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Words what won’t leave my mouth

Former MemberFormer Member MissPosts: 122 The Mix Convert
in Health & Wellbeing
I can’t do this anymore. I’m so sick of living like this and I don’t think it’ll ever be better. I actually hate myself and I’m not just saying that I genuinely do. I’m ugly and worthless and useless and stupid and I honestly don’t know why people like me. I’m broken and I don’t think I’m fixable. I’m trying, I’m trying so god damn hard to be better and be enough but I don’t think I’ll ever be that. I’m never enough. I’m always the one to help others but it’s so god damn hard to let people help me. I hide behind this clown I’ve become, it’s like amour for me so I don’t need show how much I’m hurting. I’ve never cried that much in a year but just this month alone I’ve cried way more than I do in a year. I guess some of it is how bad my trust and attachment issues are, I always think someone is going to turn on me. I don’t know, I guess I just always think the worse. I can’t tell people though, I hate it. I’m always scared of worrying people and hurting their feelings. I’m a failure, blunt and true. I’m just a insignificant plastic bag floating in the air. Like music is literally my crutch atm, it’s the one thing what makes me feel less alone. It’s so stupid, I could be in a room filled to the brim of people but I just feel so alone. I just want to actually be happy or atleast just ok. Every single time my life is getting better something happens and I just feel at square one again. Im having medication and I’m talking to people in a peer group and stuff but I just don’t think I’m getting anywhere and I don’t think I’ll ever be fixed. Nothing is working and I hate it. I just want to live instead of surviving. I feel like all I do is just survive through my pain, it’s like I just exist and nothing else. Im literally at my lowest and nothing is helping apart from music but I can’t always listen to music like I wish I could but there’s college and stuff and I need know what people are saying. It’s like I do so much like im involved in a lot and I have a lot going on at college but I feel like I can’t stop doing all that or im the most useless person ever. Im constantly having panic attack after panic attack, and mental breakdown after mental breakdown. I’m exhausted of my mental health being like this. Im so sorry that’s probably really stupid. I told my mum my thoughts are getting intrusive. It’s funny because she said she knows how help people but for her own daughter she don’t know what to say. I guess I’m a lost cause. I’m trying to not listen to my intrusive thoughts but it’s so god damn hard. I don’t want to hurt myself or kill myself but my brain keeps telling me to do these things and it’s so hard. I’m so sorry this must be the most stupid dumb idiotic thing in the world.

Comments

  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,781 The Mix Elder
    Hi I can imagine how stressful that must be for you, feeling like you are alone. Feeling like you are not good enough. I find it interesting how our brains and thoughts can twist and turn things against us. Sometimes our brain likes to play tricks on us from time and time. I hear that you feel like you are hiding behind a mask in a way. Im always here if you need someone <3.

    Sending hugs,
    Amy x
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • GemmaGemma Community Manager Posts: 1,138 Wise Owl
    edited November 2023
    Hey @ElleFroggo05 thank you so much for your trust in sharing all of this with us <3. It is so brave of you to explain where you're at and what's been going on for you lately. This sounds like a lot. I think you've made an incredibly positive first step in articulating your feelings so well and acknowledging that things have been tough.
    ElleFroggo05 wrote: »
    I actually hate myself and I’m not just saying that I genuinely do. I’m ugly and worthless and useless and stupid and I honestly don’t know why people like me. I’m broken and I don’t think I’m fixable.

    Can I ask if there is anything that has made you feel this way? We really don't think you are any of those things, Elle. There are people, like us, who really value you as a person, and so you could never be broken in our eyes. I know it is easier said than done, but try to afford yourself some grace in these moments. You may feel broken right now but it doesn't mean that you'll feel this way forever - you could think of it as one step on your journey to feeling better. It's okay not to be okay right now.
    ElleFroggo05 wrote: »
    Im having medication and I’m talking to people in a peer group and stuff but I just don’t think I’m getting anywhere and I don’t think I’ll ever be fixed.

    You mentioned that you find it so difficult to let people help you, so I think it is so powerful that you have taken steps to get some help for yourself like trying medication and attending a peer support group. How are you finding connecting with people in the peer support group?

    I just wanted to say that if you are struggling to stay safe, there are support services out there who you can chat to - I'll pop some in the spoiler below. You don't have to feel like you're in crisis to get in touch with them either. You're not alone and there are people out there who are there for you <3.
    Crisis Messenger (24/7) | text THEMIX to 85258
    Samartians (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
    Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
    Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200

    Childline | call 0800 11 11
    ♡♡♡
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miss Posts: 122 The Mix Convert
    Just trauma making me feel like this and of course my own brain
    It’s alright
    Thanks
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