What is comforting for you to hear?

SpaceOtter

Happy Wednesday!

My little ramble

Hi, I took a little break from the boards (but i attended friday group chat). I do feel a little better from taking a breather. Sometimes things get overwhelming when you use a service a lot or when you see people alot. I start to worry im bugging people.

I wanted to ask something. And i know theres no one answer ,it changes depending on the person and the situation.

But when you're struggling and you open up to people what do you find helpful to hear?

Do you find hearing people share their own experiences helpful? Advice on what to do next? Do you want to be asked questions or is it enough for someone to just listen?

The thing I struggle with is showing people im listening but trying to keep the conversation going.

I also find it difficult to gage wether people want me to share my own experiences.

And what do you find unhelpful?

For example unhelpful for me
This applies to day to day life more than the boards but i don't like being told i seem happier or better. Eventhough my struggles are often visiblesometimesthey aren't, sometimes my mind gets really bad. It makes me feel like a fraud. And that telling people would make them think its fake and I don't want to make them sad.

Helpful for me
Sometimes i don't want advice, sometimes just someone saying yeah that sucks makes me feel better.

This is a wonderful community and everyone here has helped me an awful lot.

I just wanted to try and better understand how to help.

I often say things like sending hugs. I really care about people and its my way of showing im listening. But sometimes i wish i knew better what to say. I worry im quite repetitive. I tend to speak jn scripts online and in real life. But i also suppose its a skill that comes with time too.

You're awesome

JJLemon18

Hiyo. Happy Wednesday! I'm glad to hear you've been feeling better from taking the break. But I still want to mention something I know you've heard a million times already, you are never bothering or bugging anyone! I know what its like since I too keep feeling like I'm bothering absolutely everyone I talk to, and you could say I too made myself a small break from the mix recently. Glad to see you back tho

This is actually a great question! But a bit hard to answer. I just want people to be honest with me, and not just tell me what I want to hear.

SpaceOtter wrote: »

I also find it difficult to gage wether people want me to share my own experiences.

If someone asks you to share your own experiences then they absolutely want to hear them (as long as you're comfortable sharing), cause otherwise they wouldnt ask
But if they don't ask then its a bit more tricky. though I wouldn't say sharing your experiences is ever really a bad thing, it often helps people to understand you and what you're going through, help you were possible, and even help them feel alone themselves.
I see it that way: nice people will understand. While bad people will take advantage of it, which is a clear sign that you probably shouldnt waste any more of your time with them.

But okay, what I find the most unhelpful:
When people invalidate whatever I say to them without really thinking about it or trying to understand. For example I often asked my parents about mental health and that maybe I have depression or anxiety or autism and their response was always a strict "no", they didn't think about it or try to understand what these things even are, they just always saw them as 'bad' so they didn't want me to have anything to do with them. Same as my doctor recently, I go to her to tell her I think I might be autistic and/or have adhd and was hoping she'd refer me for a diagnosis, instead she immediately said that I probably dont have either of those without hearing what I even have to say, which felt extremely invalidating cause I went there thinking I may have finally found what has caused me so many problems all my life!

What I find helpful:
As I said, I prefer people to be honest, even if what they say might sound rude. I'd genuinely appreciate anything that is honest instead of hearing something that isn't true that is said just to make me feel better.
What I also find helpful is when people share their own experiences too, it makes me feel a lot less alone and lets me also be supportive when I can. This also means I don't feel as bad for venting too much to them myself.
And this might sounds strange but this one small phrase has really helped me personally, it pretty much changed my life. "Its okay". Just someone telling me that whatever I'm going through, and no matter how much I'm struggling, that its okay. I always though that I am weird, stupid and my struggles dont make sense; and this phrase made me realise that its normal to have problems, to struggle and not fit it. It doesnt make me feel as bad about myself anymore.
Oh and I cant forget advice, I appreciate any advice I can get. Cause after all, no amount of comforting can make your problems go away if you don't do anything about them.

SpaceOtter wrote: »

I often say things like sending hugs. I really care about people and its my way of showing im listening. But sometimes i wish i knew better what to say. I worry im quite repetitive. I tend to speak jn scripts online and in real life. But i also suppose its a skill that comes with time too.

Omg I'm the same!! Not sure if you can relate but I have this thing where I will reread one of my messages and think to myself that it sounds like I don't care and am either trying to be nice or am sending hints that I'm really not interested in talking, even though none of this is true and I do actually care and really want to hear what they have to say. If this makes sense? Like I will often struggle to show that I really am interested.

You're also awesome! Sending the biggest hugs

kaii

Hi @SpaceOtter, thank you so much for making this thread! I hope you had a good break! First off, I just want to say that you're not bothering anyone at all, I can understand why you feel like a burden, and honestly it's very considerate of you to consider the feelings of others! But please remember that there are people out there who care for you and want to support you (like this community or trusted friends/family members). It's completely okay for you to reach out for help - there is no shame at all. You don't have to suffer alone.

Your question is really interesting, and I find it fascinating how the kind of support we want depends on the situation and how we are as a person! Here are my general thoughts on this:

What I find unhelpful:
I completely agree with with @JJLemon18 has said above! People invalidating my feelings without trying to understand them feels so frustrating. I sometimes find it hard to open up to people because I fear that my feelings will just get invalidated. There have been instances where I've told my parents about my problems and they just dismiss it as something to not worry about. They'll say stuff like 'just get over it', or 'oh that's your problem? It's not that bad after all'.

What I find helpful:
Simple words like 'I understand what you're going through' (from people who've been in a similar situation to me) or 'I'm so sorry, that feels tough' (from people who haven't gone through what I've gone through but try their best to empathise) help me feel better. I also appreciate advice, no matter how true it is. But this would also depend on whether I agree with what they've advised - I've hard instances where I thought my friends' advice were quite harsh. This is pretty tricky. I think as long as they say why they think this piece of advice would be beneficial for the situation of the person opening up, then I guess it'd be okay.

As for sharing experiences, I do appreciate it as well - as long as the person is comfortable with sharing theirs. It kind of gives me that comfort that I'm not alone you know? I don't want to force them to share their experiences if they're not okay with it though. I think sharing experiences would be especially helpful if they also add what they've learned from them (what went well, what didn't, and what they would have done differently) - I feel like it really shows that they really want to help the person opening up if you know what I mean?

Thank you for making the community a better place, I really admire your dedication to finding ways of giving the best possible support to others. You're incredible!!

Sending hugs