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Update + vent (again)
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 1,926 Extreme Poster
Hello.
I know I shouldn't be explaining myself but I feel so bad for posting more while not responding to anything. But things are rough and I'm not in the best mind space to reply. I do want you all to know that I do read everything, whether it's a reply to my post or if I get tagged. (I do reply to PMs btw, so if anyone wants to sent me a message I'm always here). The reason I don't even react to anything is because I made this rule for myself that if I react to something (with a 'hug' for example) it means I won't be coming back to it, as if me saying "I've read this" and I either don't know what, or don't have anything else to say. If that makes sense?
Sorry. Just thought I'd explain myself.
I've written like 3 different vents already that I just couldnt get myself to post. It feels stupid of me, but I also don't want to overwhelm anyone here will my rambles. Plus like two of those I've written a while ago and posting them now feels wrong. I do need to vent a bit now though, so I hope that's okay.
Ive been to an event yesterday, it was so so nice talking with a new person who actually (surprisingly) seems interested in talking to me. So I'm not gonna beat myself up over it as I know I could have done much much worse.
But today I cant get something out of my mind, and its making me so so sad. She said she met some new people (met them like two weeks ago) and already thinks of going to norway with them! What?? That sounds so damn nice, and fun! But I could never imagine doing that myself. Even though I'd love to if I had the opportunity...
I keep hearing about how much people are accomplishing; going on trips, exploring, meeting new people, exercising, doing sports, playing instruments, hobbies, everything. And here I have trouble even keeping up with and understanding university work. I dont even play videogames that much anymore. I dont fucking know where all this time even dissapears to.
The event yesterday was not bad - in fact I really enjoyed it, and all I did was talk with another human being. But since the event, all I feel like doing is crying, literally. Why cant I live a normal life? Why do I have to miss out so much? And how on earth do I make (and keep) friends??
I'm trying my best but its far from enough. The person I talked with is from abroad and shes only been here for like a year, but she already has SO many friends she told me about. She is actually 'living' her life. I want to live like that too...
I'll stop before I actually burst into tears and have to explain myself to my parents why the hell I'm crying out of nowhere.
I really dont want to die one day knowing I've done nothing in my life...
I feel weak. I cant stop thinking about all this, and the more I do the more I feel sick in my stomach.
I feel like such a horrible person for being jealous about other's lives. And so dumb for being incredibly sad from an event that turned out pretty much good. Good for me at least, as I loved the opportunity to talk to her. Furthermore, she only joined the event because I asked her if she would; even though she has so many friends she still decides to talk to me, which is super nice. But I'm here just waiting for the moment she realises I'm not worth her time...
Ugh. I didn't stop and now my stomach hurts lol. I'll be okay.
One last thing I want to mention. This is pretty long but some of the things I talk about as if assuming you've read my previous vents, the ones I havent posted. So if something makes no sense I wouldnt mind explaining it.
Sending hugs.
I know I shouldn't be explaining myself but I feel so bad for posting more while not responding to anything. But things are rough and I'm not in the best mind space to reply. I do want you all to know that I do read everything, whether it's a reply to my post or if I get tagged. (I do reply to PMs btw, so if anyone wants to sent me a message I'm always here). The reason I don't even react to anything is because I made this rule for myself that if I react to something (with a 'hug' for example) it means I won't be coming back to it, as if me saying "I've read this" and I either don't know what, or don't have anything else to say. If that makes sense?
Sorry. Just thought I'd explain myself.
I've written like 3 different vents already that I just couldnt get myself to post. It feels stupid of me, but I also don't want to overwhelm anyone here will my rambles. Plus like two of those I've written a while ago and posting them now feels wrong. I do need to vent a bit now though, so I hope that's okay.
Ive been to an event yesterday, it was so so nice talking with a new person who actually (surprisingly) seems interested in talking to me. So I'm not gonna beat myself up over it as I know I could have done much much worse.
But today I cant get something out of my mind, and its making me so so sad. She said she met some new people (met them like two weeks ago) and already thinks of going to norway with them! What?? That sounds so damn nice, and fun! But I could never imagine doing that myself. Even though I'd love to if I had the opportunity...
I keep hearing about how much people are accomplishing; going on trips, exploring, meeting new people, exercising, doing sports, playing instruments, hobbies, everything. And here I have trouble even keeping up with and understanding university work. I dont even play videogames that much anymore. I dont fucking know where all this time even dissapears to.
The event yesterday was not bad - in fact I really enjoyed it, and all I did was talk with another human being. But since the event, all I feel like doing is crying, literally. Why cant I live a normal life? Why do I have to miss out so much? And how on earth do I make (and keep) friends??
I'm trying my best but its far from enough. The person I talked with is from abroad and shes only been here for like a year, but she already has SO many friends she told me about. She is actually 'living' her life. I want to live like that too...
I'll stop before I actually burst into tears and have to explain myself to my parents why the hell I'm crying out of nowhere.
I really dont want to die one day knowing I've done nothing in my life...
I feel weak. I cant stop thinking about all this, and the more I do the more I feel sick in my stomach.
I feel like such a horrible person for being jealous about other's lives. And so dumb for being incredibly sad from an event that turned out pretty much good. Good for me at least, as I loved the opportunity to talk to her. Furthermore, she only joined the event because I asked her if she would; even though she has so many friends she still decides to talk to me, which is super nice. But I'm here just waiting for the moment she realises I'm not worth her time...
Ugh. I didn't stop and now my stomach hurts lol. I'll be okay.
One last thing I want to mention. This is pretty long but some of the things I talk about as if assuming you've read my previous vents, the ones I havent posted. So if something makes no sense I wouldnt mind explaining it.
Sending hugs.
Believe in me - who believes in you
3
Comments
You don't have to worry about writing too much or burdening anyone, we are here to help and the discussion boards serve the purpose of making people feel less alone and be able to vent and find a community as well as getting advice and any resources they might need. Also, we don't expect you to answer posts even when you are engaged in a conversation - the most important thing is that you do what you want to do and what feels right for you.
I'm sorry you've been feeling like your life is emptier than the ones your peers are living; I would lie if I said I didn't understand that feeling deeply and that what you wrote didn't resonate with me. I'm glad you're saying it is slowly getting better, even if more self awareness is leading you to feeling like you don't belong here.
I've noticed that when talking about other people's experiences and their relationship with you you always take a step back and seem to feel glad that they take the time and effort to include you in their life, like they're doing you a kindness by being your friends. Is it possible that comparing yourself to them and the lives they're leading is making you feel like you're not as worthy?
I know that feeling different and feeling like you don't have control over your life as much as other people your age can really mess with one's own self-esteem. I just want you to remember that it is very easy to spiral into thinking that others are magically more adept to life than we are, even though the reality is that we all live in our own little bubbles and feeling inadequate and overwhelmed is quite possibly a universal experience.
I also want to remind you that there's nothing shameful about your lived experiences, your life and experiences are worthy and meaningful just by virtue of the fact that you are living them. Your feelings and experiences have value even if you think they fall short when compared to others'.
Let us know how you've been doing and I'm sending hugs.
I've always felt bad and apologised for posting here, and I've always gotten the same responses, so I'm not sure why I still feel so bad. I feel like this isn't going to change unfortunately. I guess I just don't want to be like the only one writing tons and tons of rambles here, I don't want other people coming on here and all they see is a million of my posts, cause at some point they'll just decide to ignore them, my vents will become meaningless. Especially since I feel like I keep rambling about the same things over and over again, just wording them differently sometimes. You won't believe the amount of times I've written a vent or something, and realised I've written the exact same thing before.
I'm even doing it right now lol.
I meant replies on my own posts. I'll be honest, I've stopped reading other people's posts at this point. And about the "what feels right for you" part - this doesnt feel right for me at all, nothing feels right for me at this point.
Sorry if I seem like I'm invalidating everything you say btw. I understand what you mean.
Yeah, kind of. I always appreciate everything everyone does for me; I appreciate every single reply I get, every compliment, I appreciate all help and advice that people give me, and all the time they decide to spend with me. I think that's a good thing. But yea, I sometimes feel like I don't deserve it.
But at the same time, no. I know that people say that self-love/acceptance is very important, and I totally see why. I hate myself, for all the mistakes and stupid decisions I made - but at the same time I know I deserve better, I deserve more. And as much as I want to put all the blame on myself, I don't think its my fault. Its not my fault that for some reason I've spent 20 years of my life living on autopilot, trying to blend into society as if I was normal.
It might sound silly, but you know what I feel like? I feel like a robot that has become sentient after 20 years of existence. I can finally look at my own hands and tell myself "yea, I'm alive. This is what life feels like."
(But then theres also dissociation and this disconnected feeling that makes my brain struggle to understand stuff, what is real and what isnt)
But I can't turn back time and revert all those years, I have to live with this now. It feels like I've thrown my only life away. I'm not happy with who I am, I'm not happy with what I'm doing. I wish I was studying a different subject, I hate this one now, but I can't change it, I've gone too far. Its funny cause I feel like I'm stuck with a subject that my past 'robot' self has chosen; computer science... how fitting lol -_-
My 'dream' right now would be to study psychology while living in student accommodation. It probably sounds so strange, but to me this sounds like such a fun experience. I will probably never have the opportunity to experience this, ever.
But I feel like I'm being ungrateful. I have a family who I spend a lot of time with (too much probably lol) and I do play a lot of videogames which is something I love doing. I know that to many many people this life is like a dream. But its not what I'm happy with, I want a bit more than that, I've lived like this for 20 years. Recently I can't even concentrate on or enjoy playing games anymore. They just feel so empty and meaningless to me. I'm too sad to play a game thats supposed to make me 'happy'.
I get what you mean. But I don't feel that way. Its not about accepting my life for what it is and telling myself that my life is meaningful. Cause no matter how much I force myself to believe that my life is worth as much as everyone else's, it doesnt change the fact that I struggle with every single thing that happens in my life. I'm just too dumb, I have to have everything explained like to a baby sometimes. Its not that I have less experience than others, I have no experience. I don't want to always be the one taking, I want to give back too! I want to be able to hold a conversation with someone so that they are interested in talking with me. I want to study such that I don't have to constantly keep asking for help to the point where people do the work for me, I want to help others with their work too! But there is never something I know, that the other person doesnt.
I don't want to feel so worthless, I don't think anyone does. But this is me explaining why I do feel this way.
Sorry I got a little carried away as usual. Maybe I just need somebody to talk to... Which is probably why I already got so attached to that person, and probably why I'm so worried that I will lose her. She is the only person I talked to who actually cares, the first person I EVER met to occasionally send me a message asking how I'm doing, wanting nothing in return. (Well, beside family and strangers on the internet). Which again bothers me why she still chooses to talk to me; she already has so many friends and people to talk to, people who (to me) seem so much better than me in ever way.
Okay I'm finally done.
Again, thank you so so much @genderless_fungi! And sorry about the excessively long reply, I guess I still had things sitting inside me that I didnt write in the first post.
Take care!
I wanted to touch on this a bit more. Dissociation just sucks. Even if I do do something I enjoy, most of the time I'll forget a lot about it. Like the last event, I said I enjoyed it, but the more time passes the less I can remember about it and what it looked like... Now I'm wondering if the event even happened and I'm not making it all up in my head. It feels just like having a dream, where after you wake up it starts to vanish and you remember less and less. It feels so strange.
So I fucking hate how I remember all the bad things so well. Like all the questions I wanted to ask that person at the event that were relevant to the conversation we had, but I was too stressed or didnt have the opportunity to say them. This sounds like such a dumb thing to be upset about, but I don't know if I'll ever have a chance to ask those questions again. I just cant get that out of my head. Every time I do something, I end up spending days analysing all the things I could have done better...
I realised that the way she talks to and messages me, shes just being nice.
If this doesnt show how horrible of a person I am to be around, i dont know what does. I will never have any friends.
Especially when we're not mentally well, it's easy to ascribe these sorts of things to how unlikable and grumpy we are, when often there's a more truthful and innocent reason behind it that we just can't see, because we're injecting a really harsh self-judgement into the situation.
For example, it may be that you and that person are genuinely friends and she likes talking to you, but you don't have that kind of dynamic where you might go away together. That's more of a reflection of the relationship or chemistry you have rather than you as an individual.
Besides, even if you're not the socially engaged, charismatic, bundle-of-fun that other people are, that is VERY reasonable given how much you're dealing with JJ. Being able to form those connections and socialise with people requires energy and emotional investment, and sometimes we're just not in a position to give that, and that doesn't make you a bad person.
I know that might not make the feeling of rejection or self-loathing go away - I've been there myself and it sucks when people just don't seem to enjoy your company as much as other people. But I wanted to say it anyway in case it helps reframe the situation a little.
In any case, I'm going to say it anyway.
Be kind to yourself, like you are to others here. You deserve that.
Could be. Although here are my questions: How on earth do I find my people then? And who even are 'my people'?
I genuinely cant imagine anyone being friends with me at this point, and I mean good friends, and not just random people who will occasionally say hi to me.
Also I thought about this, and I feel like I need friends who are more than me, people who will be there to support me and drag me out of the house, people who will motivate me. Cause I feel like if I were to meet someone who is just like me, I'd feel really happy for like a week, and then we'd both be super depressed and bored. For example, when I talked with that person (I'll refer to her as person A from now), A said how much she exercises and how much sports she plays, and I told her how little I exercise, which surprised her. And so this has motivated me to exercise and literally two days later I went for a walk which I'm proud of, and I promised myself I'm gonna work on exercising more.
Also want to mention that the group of people A hangs out with now, they seem really cool, and I feel like I could get along with them, as I've seen them around for like 2 years now lol. I just never had the courage to approach them. Maybe they are my people and I never knew cause I never talked to them...
But how do I approach them?? It would feel so uncomfortable to just walk up to them and say hi, what else would I say? I'm just too awkward. A is part of that group, I have no idea what that changes. There is one guy in the group who we said hi to each other in one society event, thats it. And theres a couple other strangers. I'm really really worried that they wouldnt want me as part of their group. I don't want to stand there with them while constantly thinking "omg this is awkward, they probably dont want me here, but they don't want to tell me to go away cause thats rude. Should I just leave? I don't fit in. Oh no."
I've been joining groups of people my entire life, and I've never felt like I belong. I always sit on the side and listen to their conversations and watch them have fun. I don't want to join another where I feel the same.
But its not like they will just approach me out of nowhere and say "hey! You look lonely. Want to join us?" thats not how it works lol.
About the part where you mention how my mental health and struggles affect how sociable I am. I'll be honest, as much as I'm struggling right now, this is the most lively and talkative I've ever been in my life. Besides, I try my best to not show the other person that I'm struggling, and I know its still clearly visible and affects the way I look and behave, but I try to be as lively as possible when talking to people. Like I don't go around crying in front of others and constantly telling everyone how shit I am at everything and how much I hate myself. Or maybe thats something I should start doing... not sure how it would help tho.
Also, I know I can be a fun and lively person (even if still a bit dumb), cause I behave like that at home. But first I have to be really comfortable with someone, and that doesn't just happen out of nowhere.
It took me a lot of rereading but I finally understand what you mean (I think). Like I wouldn't necessarily say that posting a lot is a bad thing, cause if someone else posts a lot I would absolutely not see it as a bad thing. So I don't know why I keep beating myself up for venting. AAAH I JUST REALISED HOW MUCH I WROTE AGAIN - WHERE DO THESE WORDS EVEN COME FROM???
"and you don't take up as much room as you think you do" - Yeah. Cause I'm trying my best not to post absolutely everything that comes to my mind xD
Thank you so much Mike! Take care
This. A few days ago I talked to A and they mentioned the guys they were hanging out with, and I said that I'd love to meet them but I'm too anxious to approach them. So A said that they could introduce me if I wanted to, which was such a nice thing to offer! But me being me, I thought that it might be a bit weird so I said that I'll try to introduce myself and if I struggle then A could say something. So, I was gonna meet them! Yay...
Today I had the perfect opportunity to approach them... but I didn't do it! I started shaking and I just couldnt get myself to do it
And it might seem like I'm overreacting and making this such a bigger deal than it actually is. But you don't get an opportunity like this every day, especially if you're me...
I've met those people today... and they were super nice! I don't know why I made this whole situation like such a massive deal, it all turned out okay, unlike I believed it would a few days ago. I've had such a good time talking to them that I may have already told them about my social anxiety
Now, no matter what happens, whether they'll decide to hang out with me or move away from me, it's okay. Because I feel like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and I won't let it fall on me again. I've talked to and met someone new today, and I'm proud of that!
Now I just want to say. I feel like having this thread deleted if that's possible. I just really don't want to take any chances that someone I know is somehow gonna find and read this, it's pretty embarrassing. But all the lessons I learnt from it will stay with me. I'm just not sure how I can get this deleted. And also if its gonna get deleted I still wish to copy all of this into my notes just so that I can always look back on it, if that's okay.
Sending hugs
Feel free to make any copies for your own reference too.
(can confirm I don't have ties to organised crime
I have a question. Mobs Mods have to read every single post to check its within regulations and stuff, right?
The mods (defo not any mobs around here 🦹♀️) don't read posts before they are posted, but we do check posted comments/threads throughout the day to check they sit within our guidelines. We do also rely on your guys flagging posts too to help us quickly find anything that falls outside of our guidelines.
Hope that clears things up!