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TW a form of sexual assault?

I went out with someone I knew, first time we just kissed.

Second time he said lets go down an ally, I said keep it waist and above, especially because I was on my period and he knew that, after a minute or so he put a hand down there and used his fingers, he didn't ask but I didn't stop him (I didn't see his hand going there, just knew once it was) I kind of thought I just needed to get over myself and it's what people do and after it, thats what I said to him, that I just need to get over my self a bit.

Third time when we met up and both sober at the start, I told him I was going to be a lady and be behaved and that I wouldn't drink much, he said we'll see about that after last time, I laughed a little but said I'm serious,

(we did previously talk about sex and hotel rooms and using condoms over text, he said he likes pulling out and I said I'm not getting pregnant and wasn't sure about his method and so on because I'm not on anything, but ended up agreeing not getting a hotel room and just meeting up)

We had a few drinks and I can't remember if I agreed to having sex with him but we walked back to a bar and went to the toilet, I remember hesitating with my belt and him encouraging me to take them off, at this point I remember feeling really unsure, I knew it didn't feel right but I didn't say anything, he bent me forward a bit and I tried to stand back up to face him to say enough but before I could talk he turned me around again and pushed down over, at that point I exactly remember thinking I don't want this, but again couldn't bring myself to say it , then he put it in, he said move and I did, I can't remember if I was the one to stand up first or if he stopped, I know people were just outside the door talking about us, then I looked down and there was blood everywhere, I looked at him and he said it was the period but that finished a few days before.

There was no condom, I don't know if he finished, it all happened so fast and it's sort of fuzzy. He was such a sweet guy apart from all this.

It takes two to tango. I wasn't clear that I didn't want it. I'm not blaming the guy.

he probably didn't know, I wasn't black and white about it but I'm sitting here and wondering what the fuck happened. I hate that it did, it was my first time, he also knew that. I wish I didn't see him after the ally, I should have known not to go back. I've got cramps in my stomach like crazy and I just want to cry about it all.

I don't think it's rape, that seems like a strong word but maybe a bit of an assault, I'm not sure.

I'm not meeting him again, don't want anything to do with him.


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    lunarcat522lunarcat522 Posts: 469 Listening Ear
    @Usernametaken None of this was your fault, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like it was clear you didn't want it as anything other than an explicit 'Yes', in my opinion isn't consent. Have you managed to look after yourself physically and mentally since these incidents i.e. getting the morning after pill as you said you don't want to get pregnant (correct me if I'm wrong), reaching out to those you trust or a counsellor? It might be beneficial to see a doctor about your cramps just to make sure you're okay, but I completely understand if that feels too daunting right now. You've made a great first step sharing on here and myself and the community are here for you <3
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    UsernametakenUsernametaken Posts: 2 Newbie
    edited September 2023
    I could have stopped it tho, just walked out, should have been so easy, just open the door and leave.

    I think I'm most ashamed of that, not standing up for my self or doing a very poor job, I'm not a shy person when it comes to conflict like that, so what happened, like he wasn't even threatening or fighting me but I could only try the once to stop it and I didn't even manage that, as soon as he put his hand on my back and pushed it down I just thought shit but it wasn't like it was a lot of force, if I tried I bet I could have made a fuss but I just like stopped breathing and took it, thinking I don't want this but not saying anything, I can't wrap my head around it.

    I ordered the pill and getting it tomorrow before work, thanks, it crossed my mind before but I didn't want to deal with it, ur comment reminded me that I think it's probably best.

    My best friend just happened to text the day after asking to meet and I ended up telling her the basics of it, I don't think I would have said to anyone otherwise, I don't think I can tell my step mum. Other then that I don't think anyone else needs to know tbh.

    A doctor might not be a bad shout, it'd just be hard to say it, I don't really want to talk face to face about it again.

    Do u know if it's normal to bleed a lot ur first time, I don't even fully know what he was doing back there, I just wanted it over with.

    Thank you @lunarcat522 it's helped to think this through by replying to you.

    I waited for ages to lose my virginity the right way, didn't matter in the end.
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    Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,124 Community Veteran
    Hi @Usernametaken I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that and I bet it was traumatising for you too especially when you felt like you didn't have control in the situation. I think that's the thing sometimes they think that they can have control over your body when technically they don't. A relationship is based on boundaries and comfort not just for the other to feel comfortable and the other person to not be comfortable in the relationship. I can kind of relate to what you mentioned about the hand thing and period thing as my last partner did something similar to me as well as thinking it was okay to touch and massage my chest. They asked me first and I gave consent but when they started doing it it felt strange and weird. I also didn't feel anything romantic there either. That sound like he did assault you and that is serious too what they did. I know that with consent and stuff you can still allow it but also not consent too at the same time. As @lunarcat522 mentioned it may be a good idea to visit a doctor especially if you are having cramps and maybe possibly explain what happened as well.

    I know it can be hard doing but if you did feel up to it, have you considered reporting the person to the police?. I know there is only so much that the police can do but by reporting it they could offer support?. I'm always here too if you need someone to talk to,

    Sending hugs,

    Amy22 <3
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
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    Salix_alba_2019Salix_alba_2019 Deactivated Posts: 1,646 Extreme Poster
    Hey I welcome to the mix @Usernametaken , I wanted to pop by to send you a virtual hug 🫂 Those are heavy feelings to process and I'm proud of you for speaking to us here at The Mix and your bestfriend.

    As lovely as you said he is, you expressed your boundaries on multiple occasions and he failed to meet them on a multiple occasions. I personally beleive that you did make an attempt to get out of the situation even if you didn't explicitly say yes.

    As for the bleeding
    It's not uncommon for the hymen to tear a little when you first have penetrative sex. I did quite a bit. Try not worry, it should resolve itself

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    slugchannelslugchannel Posts: 20 Boards Initiate
    that is a horrible situation. Im sorry. It brings in a lot of mixed feelings, so it is completely understandable if you aren't sure whether to call it rape or assault. you have done the healthy thing by talking about it, processing your feelings. it is O.K to take your time, and to cry, because you went through something that was traumatic and that does take time to process.
    You mentioned not being shy when it comes to that sort of conflict, but i do think it is a lot harder to speak up when it comes to sexual things, especially with it being your first time and the fact that the boy was very sweet besides this.
    you should not blame yourself because of the fact that he was otherwise a nice person. its easier said than done but try to remind yourself that everything has some nuance. but even so, you never said yes. in the first incident you had even set your boundaries beforehand - there is no misinterpreting that. he is in the wrong for sure.
    if you want my advice, I agree that you should report both incidents, anyone with the capacity to do that was not a nice person to begin with.
    The bleeding is normal, but, I would ask a doctor to play it extra safe. You deserve to have some peace of mind rather than any more doubt.
    Forgive yourself for times it takes a toll on you, you aren't "losing" by being hurt by his actions, or weak. things like this take a lot of guts to even think about so you are doing very well for talking about it and typing this post.

    much love
    - doc
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    JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,336 Part of The Furniture
    edited September 2023
    Edit: yikes this post was longer than planned, sorry!

    So much good advice in this thread already. @Usernametaken you've done so well to come here and talk about what happened. It really does take courage to do that.
    I don't think it's rape, that seems like a strong word but maybe a bit of an assault, I'm not sure.
    100% agree with everyone here who said it's okay to feel unsure what to call it. It's important to take things at your own pace and do whatever feels right for you.

    'Rape' can be a difficult label to use because it feels like a such a loaded, scary word. But it's okay to use it if it fits your experience. I also wonder if people struggle to use these words because we think of 'rapists' as these evil people who violently attack people in car parks or something, when the reality is much more... normal and close to home. And perpetrators of sexual assault tend to be regular people that we might have also had pleasant experiences with.
    It takes two to tango. I wasn't clear that I didn't want it. I'm not blaming the guy.
    I could have stopped it tho, just walked out, should have been so easy, just open the door and leave.
    People (women especially) are socially conditioned to think these things are their fault - we live in a culture of victim-blaming for a lot of things but especially sexual assault.

    Also, psychologically, we love to find narratives that help us make sense of things that we don't understand, particularly for traumatic experiences. Part of that can be thinking of simple explanations like "I wasn't clear enough" or "I gave him the wrong signal", rather than confronting the difficult and confusing reality that someone hurt us in a big way for no reason.
    as soon as he put his hand on my back and pushed it down I just thought shit but it wasn't like it was a lot of force, if I tried I bet I could have made a fuss but I just like stopped breathing and took it, thinking I don't want this but not saying anything, I can't wrap my head around it.
    Have you ever heard of 'fight, flight, or freeze'? It's really common for people in dangerous situations to 'freeze' rather than run or fight back. It's your brain's way of keeping you safe from further harm, because if someone has already violated your boundaries, it can actually be quite dangerous to fight back. There's also a psychological element to it I think, where your brain kind of disconnects from the experience to protect you emotionally. It's an almost universal experience for people who have been assaulted, and it doesn't mean you allowed it to happen.

    One final thing - when your first time is with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries, it can be hard to see that for what it is. It's only when you have sex with people who DO respect your boundaries and make you feel safe, that you get more perspective on what 'normal' is. I've heard so many people say that they didn't know what healthy sex looked like until they had it. It's only then you realise that other people find it really easy to stop if you seem uncomfortable, and maybe they verbally ask if you're okay or if you're into it, and that (kink aside) force shouldn't even remotely come into it, let alone needing to run away.

    There's nothing right or wrong to do next - it depends entirely on what you need and how you feel. Well done again for posting, and keep us updated with how you're doing. :)
    Post edited by JustV on
    The truth resists simplicity.
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    LydsRose9LydsRose9 Posts: 106 The Mix Convert
    Hi @Usernametaken - I’m really sorry that you had this experience, and like everyone has already said - this is not your fault.

    As @JustV mentioned, a lot of people in the situation you were in freeze or disassociate in order to protect themselves, which in and of itself is an effort to stop the act taking place and he should have stopped. Just because you had spoken about having sex previously, that does not act as consent in that moment.

    It can take time to process what has happened, and you don’t need to label it as rape or anything if you don’t feel comfortable doing that, but as others have mentioned, it may be a good idea going to the doctors, not only for any physical concerns that may have occurred but also for psychological support.

    It is incredibly brave of you to tell us this and express your feelings, thank you for doing that. Treat yourself gently and with kindness and remember we are always here for you❤️
    Keep fighting the good fight!
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