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My parents

JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
I don't want to be constantly making new posts over and over, but this time I can't help it. I have no one else I could ask for any advice.

For once I was starting to feel a little better but of course that had to be ruined...
My mum just came to me to ask something and through the conversation I ended up telling her something little that bothered me that they (my parents) do. But she took it extremely personally and started crying and saying all sorts of stuff like how they always do everything for me, how I'm always so ungrateful, how she regrets her life decisions and how she wishes she could turn back time and change her life, including raising me properly. I'm not gonna lie, I admit it, they were overprotective parents and raised me very wrong, which messed me up. And I know what she's doing here is very manipulative and trying to put all the blame on me and make me feel bad. I can identify that now. But I just can't react, I feel bad for them and all I can do is either continue doing everything they say or completely ruin my relationship with them, which I can't imagine... I have no clue what to do :s

I'll leave it here cause I have to go now quickly and I don't want to leave it for later or I'll end up not posting it. But I know I have a lot more I could say here, I'm not gonna waste time with it tho.
Believe in me - who believes is you
kaiilunarcat522Amy22MatchaMiaSalix_alba_2019Katie12sharellepatelTerry8936Alwayshope2day

Comments

  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Just wanted to add that even though I'm 20 they still treat me like a complete child. I know I need their help but this isn't gonna get me very far...
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    kaiilunarcat522Amy22MatchaMia
  • HarryTHarryT Community Manager Posts: 320 The Mix Regular
    Hey @JJLemon18,

    Thanks so much for sharing all of this with us, you've been really brave. No need to worry about making more posts, by the way - you absolutely deserve support and you're entitled to post here as much as you like <3

    I'm sorry to hear that your Mum reacted so negatively to you trying to have an open and honest conversation with her. I can understand how that would leave you with all sorts of difficult and complicated feelings. You mentioned in your message that you feel as though you can't react. It almost sounds as though you feel a little trapped, would that be fair to say?

    We're all here for you, JJLemon, and can hear how difficult this is for you. Please do keep using this space to share how things are going at home and we'll be here to listen.

    Take care and speak soon,
    Harry :)
    Hello amazing human (yes, that's YOU). I wish that you could see the amazing person who I see within you  ✨
    JJLemon18kaii
  • kaiikaii Posts: 423 Listening Ear
    Hi @JJLemon18, thank you so much for reaching out, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I understand how upset and uncertain you feel after your mum said all those things to you. Dealing with overprotective parents is difficult, and you're very brave for coming to the realisation that they haven't raised you well.

    I just want to say that your mixed feelings about your parents are completely valid. They may have tried so hard to be good parents and to raise you well, however, this may have caused you more harm to your growth than good (for example, the blame that your mum puts on you, as you described above). This doesn't justify their negative behaviour towards you though. It's okay to feel exhausted because of them, and to have some space away from them.

    Please free to continue posting on here if it makes you feel better. We're always here to listen to you. You deserve getting the best possible support needed. Please don't worry about making new posts over and over again, whatever you feel is completely valid and it can help to write it all out <3

    Take care,

    Kai <3
    cinnamoroll supremacy : )
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Thank you so much @HarryT and @kaii <3

    Yea, if I were to describe my life in one word it would probably be "trapped". I feel the opposite of free in almost every way possible. If not physically trapped (eg. having nowhere to go) then mentally trapped (eg. having no will power to do something). But anyways, I won't go too much into this yet.

    I genuinely do believe my parents are trying to do their best, but they think everything they do is perfect and they refuse to take any criticism. I really hate to blame them cause they just don't know any better, I understand that. But I don't want to carry on like this. I realised I've already started to be a bit rude to them, and I hate it. Also I've always been very secretive with them, I always hide everything and I'm not sure why cause I know whatever I show or tell them they will probably accept it. Okay maybe that's not true, lately I showed them some of the music I listen to and they already blamed it for ruining my mental health, but I already made a thread about that. They really care about me, but I feel like they're doing a lot of things wrong, and they can't really fix most of them anymore.

    Again thank you for giving me a place to talk about this. I don't know why I always feel so bad for posting a lot.
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • MatchaMiaMatchaMia Posts: 60 Boards Initiate
    @JJLemon18

    Hi I hope that you've been feeling better today,

    I'm really sorry that you've been struggling with this - I know it may sound horrible to admit but could I refer to the situation as burdensome? I can imagine how much weight that is to carry, my parents sound very similar by the way you've described yours. I can relate when you say- you feel bad but you have no idea what to do to make it better for you and for them - It's difficult because they're so stuck in their narrowed field of view and can't identify their mistakes or be that self-aware to certain topics, it may be a generational / cultural thing and it definitely doesn't excuse them but it's hard to resent them for it at the same time, because you know it comes from a place of love, just in a form that's perhaps not helpful which they can't see at all.

    What I've been telling myself is that their reactions stem from an "unhealed trauma/fear" or "unstable foundation" that they've been oblivious to in their life, and not because of us, instead its subconsciously being projected onto us, and it's not our role to heal or fix it for them, as much as we'd like to remove the toxic / unhealthy perspective. I think it's good to be able to mentally separate your feelings from their reactions- both may be completely valid but unrelated to each other you know? Like misplaced anger towards you may be a projection of their insecurity as parents or from a fear that your mental health isn't in a good place- anyway It's not your job to carry that weight if it's harming you. I understand though, even trying to separate yourself from the manipulation and reactions can be tiring if you're having to do it on a daily- have you tried to speak with a councillor about this?

    Have you considered moving away / out for a bit? Might be tricky if you're not at university, but if it's possible I think some physical distance may help because your environment won't hold you down anymore and you'll feel more free to just be? and to feel? which is a lot healthier anyway...loving your family doesn't mean you have to allow them to displace negative emotions onto you and accept the harmful environment they create. It also doesn't necessarily mean that you're pushing them away, just creating a much needed boundary to breathe.

    Sorry that this is so long, I hope it's given you even just a bit of comfort. I also agree with everyone else here, the boards are for you, and we're all here when you need us and want to talk <3
    kaiiJJLemon18
  • kaiikaii Posts: 423 Listening Ear
    @JJLemon18, I can’t imagine the internal conflict you’re going through right now, it must be an incredibly difficult feeling. It’s tough because you acknowledge that they’ve sacrificed a lot to raise you the best they could with good intentions, but it’s also unacceptable for them to behave in such a way that harms you mentally. It puts you in a really uneasy position.

    I’m so sorry that they blamed your music taste for ruining your mental health, it must feel upsetting that you have to be secretive around them and that you can’t express what you like without getting criticised. I know it’s not much, but maybe partaking in your hobbies (and listening to the music you like, no matter what they say) may help you cope in the meantime, even if it’s just for a little while.

    I truly hope that things get better for you and your parents as time goes on <3
    cinnamoroll supremacy : )
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    edited August 2023
    @MatchaMia Thank you so much :)

    Yea you could say it feels a little burdensome. I wish I could help them, I just don't know how.

    And sorry to hear that this is also how your parents are. The problem with my parents is that they do know some of the mistakes they're making, they just don't try to change them. I guess I know where I got my problem of complaining and doing nothing about it from xD

    You mentioning it "coming from a place of love" is very improtant! Cause me trying to help them fix some of their mistakes will result in invalidating that love they've given me all these years. I don't know how to explain it, but I'm so glad you said that.

    I know what you mean. Now that I've learnt a bit more, I can identify when they're being manipulative and so I instinctively try to rebel, but that just ends up making things worse. So it leaves me frustrated no matter what I do.

    And no I haven't spoken to my councillor about this, I always have a lot to tell them and not so much time haha.

    I can't imagine moving away from them. I just don't think I'd be able to handle it. Though I do feel like that's something that could help me maybe.

    And no need to apologise. Again thank you.

    @kaii also thank you so much too! I don't know what else I could add.

    Sending hugs <3
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    kaiiMatchaMia
  • MatchaMiaMatchaMia Posts: 60 Boards Initiate
    @JJLemon18

    Hey, I hope that you've been feeling a bit better since posting on here :)

    I understand the frustration honestly, that's why I feel like trying to create consistent and small boundaries bit by bit may help- maybe physical or mental. Again, trying to remove yourself from their reactions - take a deep breath and tell yourself "they're .... because ..... and not because I am...". I think if you keep hearing things like "you're ungrateful" etc. when they blow up, you're going to actually believe it and let it sit inside of you- It's teaching you that going against them or doing so and so means you're ungrateful instead of validating your own feelings, and so I do think It'll help to distance yourself from the words they throw at you, and not to take it to be personal and the truth- I know it's hard. This is actively putting up a shield - responding to your own feelings and triggers rather than rebelling and reacting to their words- does that make sense?

    I think you need to remember that good intentions out of love doesn't mean it's good for you. Acknowledging their wrong is definitely not invalidating their love, it's being considerate and understanding of their love but also being compassionate to yourself. I get how you can feel guilty though - even though you shouldn't. Again, it's not your job to handle their mistakes and teach them, I know you love them and so you feel the need to, but you can't help people who don't want to be helped.

    This board is always open for you, if you need to talk at all <3
    JJLemon18
  • Terry8936Terry8936 Posts: 271 The Mix Regular
    @JJLemon18 Hope you feel better now.

    It's a difficult and emotionally charged situation with your parents. It's challenging when conversations with loved ones become emotionally charged, especially when it involves past parenting decisions and misunderstandings. There are some steps you can consider taking: Active Listening, Expressing Your Feelings, Setting Boundaries, and Consider Counseling.

    Remember that it's okay to prioritize your own needs and well-being. It's not about ruining your relationship with your parents but about finding a healthy balance and understanding between all parties involved.
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    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Oh hi! I completely forgot about this post haha, I think I'm just posting too much :sweat_smile:
    (and aww, thats a lot of hugs! Thanks y'all :3)

    @MatchaMia That totally makes sense. I noticed I've started to take some of their words less seriously now because I definitely know better. I know its not my fault, although subconsciously I cant help but feel extremely sad. I think I'm just too attached to them, they could make like the worst mistake ever and I would still follow them. And now that I think about it, maybe they are the ones who are ungrateful haha. Idk.

    Also I've been trying to prioritize myself recently too. So I'm getting there (very slowly).

    Thank you so much @MatchaMia and @Terry8936 :)
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    lunarcat522MatchaMia
  • Alwayshope2dayAlwayshope2day Posts: 8 Confirmed not a robot
    @JJLemon18, I hope you're feeling better this week. It can be painful when your parents say hurtful things that place the blame on you. I'm sorry you've been having a difficult time at home with that going on. One thing I've found in life is that people sometimes say "big things" in the heat of the moment like that they regret their life decisions when they are upset. It's in those moments of heightened emotions that I find that it is helpful not to take sharp words personally. Well done on not reacting- that's a strength because it enables thought through, proactive action to be taken (like talking to us here on The Mix!) In situations like that it can be helpful to wait until emotions have cooled again to continue open, honest conversations with parents and to concentrate on "fighting fairly." Where there are different people together there will be clashes of opinion and so it is good to use skills that de-escalate heightened emotions to have frank conversations that can result in solutions. Here's some links to the techniques behind the skills of "fighting fair" that may help you.

    https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-article/fair-fighting-rules-article

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpYDTpQxq50
    ^the same information with more detail in terms of examples but in youtube video form

    Perhaps these techniques of conflict resolution will help you to shape the conflict so that you come to a satisfying compromise that gives you a greater feeling of independence, whilst not damaging your relationship with your parents. It can feel difficult approaching parents to discuss issues when you're torn between your relationship with/care for them and your desire to express your views and how something they do makes you feel. These "fighting fairly" skills may help you to navigate that.

    I hope things at home are looking up for you.


    JJLemon18ebyrne556
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    @Alwayshope2day Thank you so much for all the advice and the video! :)
    Believe in me - who believes is you
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