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When Anxiety kicks in
VicK_torious
Posts: 115 The Mix Convert
TW - Anxiety / Panic attacks/ mental health
I've been struggling with generalised and health anxiety since i was at the very age of 12. I didn't know that whatever I felt at that time wasn't the 'normal' level of every day stress we all go through. I realised I might be suffering from a clinical level anxiety when I started experiencing very bad panic attacks even during school, to the point where I would lay on the floor in a literal fetus position and cry until my fingers and body feel numb and cold and my eyes would puff. I also started developing some minor heart issues, due to sudden heart rate changes for a prolonged time and started taking meds for each time I would have a panic attack. Sometimes, I would tell my friends I wouldn't be in the mood to go out or hang out with them, and they would respond with '' You're always saying you can't go out with us'', ''Why would you not want to hang out with us, such a moodkiller''. It was around the age of 17 when I started having really bad and unexplained feelings of guilt, and my close friends would even sometimes laugh and say these are stupid reasons to feel guilty about. During and after the Covid pandemic I developed very bad health anxiety. Again my close circle wasn't at all supportive and they called me hypochondriac, 'acting too much', overreacting etc.
Throughout all this time I was in constant war with myself, trying to 'fix' me, while also hiding everything that was happening from my friends, because not all of them were trying to understand what's like to feel a constant pressure to become high-skilled, be an over achiever, not taking breaks, not allow mistakes.
When I started Uni things became better, my anxiety was somehow more easy on me, and I found the most awesome and supportive friends I could ever ask for.
Fast-forward to the present, I have graduated and the reality of being an adult has never hit harder. I've been having 24/7 constant stress and fear of the futute, my job, my health, my responsibilties, and my head is filled with reccurring anxious thought patterns. I have panic attacks again, and my friends have all moved elsewhere for their studies/work. I feel alone and trapped in a very small bubble of fear.
My concern is that I keep letting this anxiety out the worst way. I'm very easily triggered, get very angry all the time, and burst with bad attitude to people I love and don't deserve that. I feel sad, a failure, and scared.
Finding another therapist has been a very difiicult journey this far and I'm only stuck with myself at the moment, since every one is far. Besides everything, I also had to break up with my partner of 3 years because of distance.. we both still love each other to the moon, but I can't maintain an online relationship while I have no motivation to reply to texts or talk via call. I feel guilty for this.
This discussion is more of a shoutout to all people here who may feel this way too, and a way for me to vent without being judged... I know loneliness is hard, let alone struggling with mental health at the same time. I would really feel less alone if I knew that other people feel like me, and motivate each other through becoming a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on
I've been struggling with generalised and health anxiety since i was at the very age of 12. I didn't know that whatever I felt at that time wasn't the 'normal' level of every day stress we all go through. I realised I might be suffering from a clinical level anxiety when I started experiencing very bad panic attacks even during school, to the point where I would lay on the floor in a literal fetus position and cry until my fingers and body feel numb and cold and my eyes would puff. I also started developing some minor heart issues, due to sudden heart rate changes for a prolonged time and started taking meds for each time I would have a panic attack. Sometimes, I would tell my friends I wouldn't be in the mood to go out or hang out with them, and they would respond with '' You're always saying you can't go out with us'', ''Why would you not want to hang out with us, such a moodkiller''. It was around the age of 17 when I started having really bad and unexplained feelings of guilt, and my close friends would even sometimes laugh and say these are stupid reasons to feel guilty about. During and after the Covid pandemic I developed very bad health anxiety. Again my close circle wasn't at all supportive and they called me hypochondriac, 'acting too much', overreacting etc.
Throughout all this time I was in constant war with myself, trying to 'fix' me, while also hiding everything that was happening from my friends, because not all of them were trying to understand what's like to feel a constant pressure to become high-skilled, be an over achiever, not taking breaks, not allow mistakes.
When I started Uni things became better, my anxiety was somehow more easy on me, and I found the most awesome and supportive friends I could ever ask for.
Fast-forward to the present, I have graduated and the reality of being an adult has never hit harder. I've been having 24/7 constant stress and fear of the futute, my job, my health, my responsibilties, and my head is filled with reccurring anxious thought patterns. I have panic attacks again, and my friends have all moved elsewhere for their studies/work. I feel alone and trapped in a very small bubble of fear.
My concern is that I keep letting this anxiety out the worst way. I'm very easily triggered, get very angry all the time, and burst with bad attitude to people I love and don't deserve that. I feel sad, a failure, and scared.
Finding another therapist has been a very difiicult journey this far and I'm only stuck with myself at the moment, since every one is far. Besides everything, I also had to break up with my partner of 3 years because of distance.. we both still love each other to the moon, but I can't maintain an online relationship while I have no motivation to reply to texts or talk via call. I feel guilty for this.
This discussion is more of a shoutout to all people here who may feel this way too, and a way for me to vent without being judged... I know loneliness is hard, let alone struggling with mental health at the same time. I would really feel less alone if I knew that other people feel like me, and motivate each other through becoming a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on
6
Comments
The thing with anxiety is it almost silences you. It takes your voice away from you. You isolate yourself because it’s the only way you feel you can stop the feeling. With that though, you put yourself in a worse, and more lonely position than before, which exacerbates the anxiety.
The silence also means anxious people as a collective don’t often talk about it, and it’s easy to assume you are alone. But you really really are not alone.
Just a mention about your anxiety to the future, that really resonates with me. I’m about to go into my final year of uni and am consumed with fear for my future, the feeling I’m never going to be a ‘real’ adult and work a ‘normal’ job like ‘normal’ people. Something I’ve been trying to teach myself is that there is no timeline. We have so much time, and baby steps will get us where we need to be eventually.
Great post ❤️
I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time. Please don't say that you're a failure because you release your anxiety in a way that you don't like. It's completely understandable for you to do this. Whatever you feel - frustration, sadness, they're all completely valid. As this is something you're worried about, maybe it would help to talk to your feelings with a trusted person. Or alternatively, write down all of your feelings in a diary or journal. This can allow you to accept the way you feel without judgment, to release the weight of your chest, and to give you mental clarity. Of course anxiety won't vanish completely by doing this, but hopefully this can help you feel okay in the moment.
I also just want to add that I feel the same way about feeling anxious about the future from time to time. I'm going to go on placement soon and although it's exciting, the impostor syndrome is kicking in, so I'm feeling mostly terrified that I'm not a perfect fit and that I don't deserve my placement. You aren't alone in feeling this way at all, and slowly but surely, we'll get through it together. It's going to take a lot of time.
Sending hugs, I really hope that things get better for you and that you find another therapist soon. Please feel free to continue writing about your feelings on here if it helps at all - we're here for you ^^
Kai
You're definitely not alone in your experiences. Many people struggle with anxiety, panic attacks, and the challenges that come with adulthood. People around me and myself often feel stressful when thinking about the future. Your feelings are valid, and it's okay to reach out for support and understanding. It's also important to recognize that self-care plays a crucial role in managing anxiety. Even small steps like practicing deep breathing exercises, mindfulness, engaging in hobbies you enjoy, and maintaining a healthy routine can contribute to your well-being.
While finding a therapist can be challenging, it's worth continuing your search. Many therapists offer online sessions, which could make it more accessible for you. Your willingness to share your experiences can provide comfort and understanding to others who may be going through similar struggles. Keep reaching out for support, and know that you're not alone on this path! We're here to support too!