Sexuality Confusion! Am I alone?

Former Member

I'm currently 19-years-old (male), and I "came-out" aged 14: bi-sexual. There was times I felt I was more attracted to men then other times women and in some cases neither... this is when I started to not put a sexuality label on myself at aged 16 and loved life.

From the end of 2022 to now, I have started to go clubbing and experience more. I had my first boyfriend at aged 14 and girlfriend at age 13... but the past 8 months I have been feeling seriously out of sync with myself, not knowing what I want or who I want and it's got to the point where its on my mind regularly: Am I never going find love? Am I attracted to anyone? Is it a phase that I'm now exiting?

I will go into detail because I feel there will be people who have had the same. When I kiss people (men majority of the time) I get turned on, touching does the same but when it comes to sexual stuff so sex and other things, I feel I just shut off and I get turned off massively... this is become a reoccurring thing when I'm being sexually involved with guys and I feel I'm getting more and more confused everytime it's happening... I go on a drive, get home or get to work and feel this tremendous anxiety and guilt that I can't give what the other person wants or that I feel broken, which results into me shutting myself off from everyone romantically. When my mind goes quiet, I think about this regularly and I get angry, upset, emotionally detached and I shut off any sort of interaction that involves a possible romance because I know it will happen again and again.

I love romance, I love cuddling, kissing, laughing, physical touch, going on dates and feeling I belong... and I feel all these things, but when it gets to the sexual stuff, I've always said I want to wait until I'm with my forever/long term partner to go the extra mile and have anal/vaginal (whatever the case is) because I find it a big thing to lose your virginity and I don't want to regret it. Is this a reason why I get turned off when it gets to that point because I know psychologically that I don't have that full bond?

Alot of the people I've been involved with have been short/hook-up like. This all got worse when I kissed my friend 19 (female)... and I started questioning once again.

To all the people I've spoken to, they've all said I don't need to figure anything out or know as I'm young... but I'm so drained of feeling like I'll never have love just because I don't know how I'm feeling, or what I should feel! Do we know what it's like to feel like you've found "the one", to feel you are in love? 

I need someone who makes me laugh, makes me feel comfortable, makes me feel loved, have that underlying strong friendship where you trust them with anything and be your best friend while having that romantic side.

I can live without sex and that stuff, romance I need truly and I think this is why I possibly feel out of balance because everyone around me want more sex or both.

Can anyone help me out, or if you're reading this thinking this is you... you're not alone, I know how you feel and I hope we get there!❤️

VicK_torious

Hey @Kian_B
Sexuality is such a broad and diverse spectrum! It's sometimes very difficult to understand where exactly you find yourself 'relating with' the most. But remember, that you are not obligated to choose or feel restricted to stick to a decision! However, I totally understand your need to learn yourself better and understand what attracts you and allures you sexually and romantically.
The most important thing in life should be to feel confortable with the people around you, and the people surrounding you, without feeling judged or pressured!

It is also perfectly okay and normal to feel dysphoric or confused sometimes.. I know some people that have had a similar experience with yours, and getting to know more about sexual orientations its what helped them to understand themselves better and realise that they were in fact asexual. Asexuality is used to describe people who do feel romantic attraction to others, but are not necessarily interested in engaging in sexual activity with them or are not always stimulated to do so. Asexuality doesn't mean that a person doesn't desire emotional or romantic relationships, but they may rather not look for sexual stimulation. This also doesn't mean that don't enjoy engaging with sexual stuff too! It mostly means that sex isn't a necessary thing for them to maintain a relationship!

Getting to know what you like and which qualities you are attracted to the most is a difficult and diverse journey, and I totally understand if you feel drained and confused:( but I can reassure you that you aren't alone in this !

Former Member

@Kian_B I can relate... well sort of. For me, I don't feel like I'm ready for all this stuff (I'm not even comfortable saying it), but I still want to be close to those I love and trust.

Besides, I figured out that I don't seem to be attracted to people straight away, and it takes me a while to get really close to them sexually and/or romantically. And I haven't figured out my S.O. yet.

But I'm still young and I shouldn't decide on it yet. For now, I will try to be open-minded about the possibilities, and so can you~!

Amy22

Hey @Kian_B your definitely not alone with this at all. I can similarily relate to this a bit especially with the sexual side of relationships. I think its totally okay to feel confused about your sexuality as sexuality is fluid and can change over time. I always like to explore sexuality so I can better understand myself. Love takes time so you don't have to feel like your missing out or feel like you wont find love. I think love is one of the things that just happens naturally. However, I get with with the whole wanting physical romance but not sex. Is it possible you may be asexual. Im kind of a fellow ace and asexuality is when you can fluctuate between enjoying romantic attraction to not feeling romantic attraction at all. This can be the same for the sexual side of romance as some people enjoy whereas others don't.

Im probably not the best at advice on this as I am still trying to figure myself out too. But I can assure you that things will work out and always feel free to keep exploring sexuality as it is fluid and can change over time .

Former Member

It's all so nuanced, especially when it comes to sex . To be frank, there is far too much pressure around sex and how it is done correctly when really, all along, it's down to the individual .

There is no way that you 'should' feel, and sex is not necessary in romantic love at all . It sounds wishy-washy because structure, a consistent 'right' or 'wrong' answer is what we all want when it comes to relationships . But, its not really what we need and won't make us happy in the long run . Unfortunately, confusion and patience is something that is necessary both in love and self-discovery . Sexuality fluctuates for everyone, no matter which stage they're at or how self-assured they may seem .

Finding 'the one' in the traditional sense will happen in its time, I promise, you just have to accept the opportunity . There will be someone who wants the same thing you do, whether that be romance without sex, or whatever it may change to .

Thinking you've found them happens differently for everyone . Knowing that you've found them, however... is not something I'm qualified to comment on, so I will spout an opinion that may or may not be a little biased . I don't believe you consciously do know, it just is . There's no destiny involved, once you are in the relationship it's down to feelings and the willingness to put effort in . You feel your feelings better than anyone else can feel them, identity is fluid, and the bond between romance and sex is fake !