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Making friends these days
MatchaMia
Posts: 60 Boards Initiate
I think its so hard to make friends these days just because no one tends to say what they feel? Either, you adapt this mindset where you're thinking "we're not close enough to...." or "am I annoying if...." or "I can't show interest because I'll seem desperate / weird". I think it's the same with relationships too? maybe they're intertwined like that. I feel like, maybe it's just my perception, but It's hard to make friends because people already have their 'friend groups', and even if you talk its like I said, you don't think you can ask them to hang out because you're not close enough but also like, how else are you going to get closer if you don't hang out? And then there's also "are we having a good time because we're becoming friends or are you trying to start a 'situationship', flirt, maybe an actual relationship?" and if you bring it up maybe It'll be awkward for the friendship or whatever. It also takes a lot of energy to give and get nothing back or feel different people out. I don't know I just think growing up and making friends is so complicated for no reason ??
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Making friends and building relationships can be complex, but it's not impossible. Patience, persistence, and a willingness to put yourself out there can go a long way. And remember, quality over quantity matters—having a few meaningful, supportive friendships can be more valuable than a large group of acquaintances.
I'm trying to adapt the mindset that whatever isn't meant for me will go to make room for whatever IS meant for me? With the 'what's right to say and what isn't' I feel like that can never be found out until the bravery of just speaking up happens
@Terry8936 I for sure agree with quality over quantity- I just feel like a lot of people these days have really high walls you need to climb up to get to that point with them, more so than before...I think generation-wise we're all more scared to get hurt in friendships and relationships than a few years ago. Like it's become almost a norm to close yourself off or to be socially embarrassed for caring?
Btw if you're on mobile you can just use emojis from your keyboard but if you're on desktop then if you right click you should get the option to add emojis there I believe.
I personally think I'm more comfortable speaking 1 to 1 with someone as I struggle a lot with making my voice heard, so this way I know the other person is actually listening. But as you said, having someone else can greately reduce the stress and pressure of you having to talk, which I can also relate to.
What you said about sending messages and dms, yes I do feel very anxious sending them sometimes, especially if I'm the one sending it first. But to me thats the best and most comfortable way of communication since I dont have to worry about being self consious, I can take my time with the reply since theres no rush (mostly), and if I feel overwhelmed or something I can let the person know and just message them later, while in person I'm not just gonna say "alright I dont feel good, I'm going home" and then just leaving. This comfort that I always have a 'safe space' to go to if I need.
Theres also the whole problem I have with my voice but we're not gonna go there haha.
I feel like the other person must know me, what I'm like and what I'm going through in order to understand me and let me feel comfortable and certain that if I say or do something wrong, they wont just hate me for eternity lol.
Thank you for the advice tho!
No problem also
we don't have to talk about your voice if you'd rather not share!
Etiquette? Never heard of it xD Seriously though, I'm the type of person who doesnt really try to follow the so called "etiquette", I just don't know what the proper way to behave is most of the time lol.
I'm often so active that I see messages almost immediately and I have this weird habit where I will sometimes not reply immediately to not give the sense that I'm always waiting for a reply or that I'm desperate or something lol
Yes I totally agree with that! But as this thread shows, finding good friends is real hard.
If you don't mind I'll talk a little about myself again. The only 'friends' I have are a couple of guys I know from uni, and I wouldnt really call them friends too much, we don't talk almost at all outside of uni, and they're not very considerate people, to say the least. I've had a couple situations where I didn't feel too good during a lecture and since we sit in rows and I was in the middle I couldn't leave without telling them to move, so most of the time I was strong and stayed. But there were a few times where I felt so bad that I decided I have to leave and I told them I don't feel good and I want to go, but they didn't let me out. They always said "you have to say", "you'll be fine" etc. And me being shy and quiet, I cant stand up for myself, so I stayed. And that's always been a worry of mine, 'what if I start to feel bad again? I'd have to tell them to move. What if they wont listen?' and so on.
Sorry its a kind of long unnecessary story but I think it fits well with the topic of withdrawing yourself from a situation and being around friends that understand you.
And short explanation of my voice. For some reason I find it very hard to talk, impossible to be loud, and I often lose my voice. So talking is real tough for me. Phone calls are my nightmare lol.
I get what you're saying- I think that may just be a social anxiety norm that a lot of people experience- I used to also be like that, waiting a while before responding but I think I just learned that it doesn't really matter - people will think what they think and it's never something you can control so just reply if you want to even in seconds, or wait until you feel like replying- either way the only opinion thats worth that anxious thought is your own. I used to say, if people view the fast replies as desperate or pityful, then they're the ones who need to rethink because 1. people should appreciate you making time for them / connecting with them, and 2. honestly timing a reply is a bit extra really - what's even so bad about someone replying fast
Don't apologise at all! Honestly, there are different types of friends, I don't talk to a few of mine outside uni either, but i think every relationship is different and can't be entirely comparable. Some people you're only friends with for contextual reasons e.g., same classes, others your relationship is bit deeper, others a bit more fun-focused, and others very surface level- I don't think It's a bad thing as long as they aren't harming you. I have to say though, what your 'friends' did seems quite awful and i agree, inconsiderate. I don't believe friends would've responded that way at all and I think surrounding yourself with that kinda people isn't the best- speaking from experience, you'd for sure want to be friends with people who make you feel understood or at ease at the very least! It's a hard concept to follow but I agree being alone is better than to surround yourself with people who don't at least respect your feelings.
Standing up for yourself is difficult at first, but very important and a powerful way to protect yourself!
That's actually very interesting. I never really thought about the idea that you can have different 'types' of friends. This really changes the way I will view 'friends' from now on, I won't expect everyone I meet to be perfect friends. Maybe my uni friends are just that, uni friends. And I'm always so conflicted about them, cause they do sometimes seem like nice people, even though I talk quite negatively about them. I think their intentions are good, they just don't know how to properly be nice and caring, if that makes sense. Like with the situation I mentioned, they just wanted me to not miss a lecture, and the fact that they didn't know how much I was struggling was on me for not making it clear enough.
Though the question is: how do I find good friends then? Ones that are more caring, or ones willing to have more fun etc.
Also if I don't want to be around these friends of mine, do I just not sit with them anymore? Do I just start sitting by myself hoping someone else talks to me? I'm gonna get a LOT of questions from them if I do, and I'm not ready for that.
Again, I'm so sorry, I've basically stole this thread from you at this point xD
It's actually an idea that I'm getting used to- some friends or people will only fulfil you in different ways and that doesn't have to be a bad thing, like... friends who fuel you academically and encourage your pursuits, and like i said, friends who are able to give you a good time- these people may be different but you can appreciate them equally for different reasons. Finding friends who check off multiple of these boxes are just extra special to me personally, but I've stopped trying to expect this in all my friends and to appreciate what each friendship offers- of course its only natural that you trust and are closer to some than others. I guess what friendship means to people is quite subjective anyhow.
I think if you're not ready, you can maybe slowly distance yourself? Some days sit with them, some days don't, and usually, people get used to natural drifting in the long term. I think separating yourself from people who don't fit you doesn't have to be a negative thing at all and not even personally against them. Again, you might be more comfortable doing something else but this is just a suggestion
This is a bit vague and I apologise because each person's experience with this is so different but I feel like the more you know yourself, the more likely you'll find friends that are good for you, but this takes a lot of hit and misses, and also generally takes a long time- sometimes it means spending a lot of time with yourself before letting others into your life. With others talking first, maybe joining a club will surround yourself with people who are more open to talk with you as you share a similar interest?
No need to apologise at all!
I think I've spent more than enough time with myself already xD
I have started to join some societies hoping to get myself out there and meet some new people, but I'm terrified lol. In the end tho I have nothing to lose, so why not.
I know I know. I really appreciate all the insights and advice you've given me, thank you so so much! Take care