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Unexpected Break - emotional drain
MatchaMia
Posts: 60 Boards Initiate
First of all, I just wanted to say sorry for going M.I.A for the last couple of weeks- I was really looking forward to coming onto here on a weekly basis and talking with everyone, but suddenly I just had a wave of overwhelming everything? I don't even know where to start with it all, I feel like maybe it's normal to have a time where for a few days or weeks, you're kind of on a low? not necessarily going through a sudden change or a fresh cut wound? but more like, you're in the progress of healing from multiple things and there's stitches maybe that experiences pressure or a stinging of some sort? I feel like that's where I've been for a couple years now. In advance I just want to say that this is going to be just a big blurt of what I'm thinking at the moment so apologies If I'm being hard to follow! (TW - body perception, SA)
Basically, I feel like many of my 'stitches' began to hurt over the past couple of weeks and the things I've gotten better at attending to, I found it harder to deal with recently which I know isn't something I should beat myself for but at the same time, It was a lot to try and get a hold of. I've had quite a few difficult conversations with family this summer...I think growing up, I tend to just avoid it to protect myself as I know how they'd respond ...in a way that would just hurt me or feed into my unhealthy thoughts, but yeah recently I just had enough and needed to express that I wasn't okay, even if I knew I wouldn't hear the response I wanted- It was quite the breakdown haha. Those interactions were just so emotionally taxing- I knew I would get judged for crying and sharing those emotions so I was quite annoyed at myself for letting it out in an environment I knew wasn't going to be supportive, I suppose the weight of everything was too much and in general I think I knew i needed to cry but somehow couldn't until then? Also, I feel like I've been thinking hard about every single thing, spending a lot of time trying to process my own thoughts and emotions regarding so many things like my body issues, religion, relationships, friendships, family troubles and I found myself getting extremely sensitive and triggered a lot by comments my family would make about others / my body & my mum would often share stories of SA all the time and watch documentaries of it around me despite me saying I was uncomfortable (I haven't experienced it myself but my best friend has and I was the only one helping her for a year, I think that affected me more than I thought it would, and to think of it I have experienced physical intimidation and that also freaked me out). I would just feel sick to my stomach and I realised It's just so draining having to continuously remove yourself from spaces that feel unsafe instead of trying to fill that space up with good (I live at home so this is hard). I've also been more conscious than usual with my body, I've honestly been proud of how I've worked mentally to give myself some love but It's hard when there's constantly a lot of negative talk, even at home, when you're trying to overcome those voices. I think so many feelings arose and I just got overwhelmed with it all after trying to tackle it over and over- I think the emotional drain is the reason why I haven't been online, I just didn't feel like I had it in me but I hope to be here more, whenever I can. I honestly think I've come to terms with the idea that I may need therapy when I finally have space from home. I do love my family and I know they love me too, but at some point I just need to be honest and acknowledge that the space here isn't helping me heal. This is a bit random, but sometimes I look forward to being, just to be? Like, doing what you need to without feeling like you have to explain yourself or you're being judged ...for example, simply needing time with myself, going on walk when I feel overwhelmed, napping when I'm tired from a day out, to do this and that...maybe go to the bookstore randomly, to go out maybe 4 times a week when I'm losing myself in my thoughts and need friends / company, maybe 1, maybe not at all, and for some reason my parents act like I'm doing the worst or being stupid for how I spend my time, so it's hard for me to access the things I know I could benefit from. Anyway, I just wanted to rant for a bit.
Basically, I feel like many of my 'stitches' began to hurt over the past couple of weeks and the things I've gotten better at attending to, I found it harder to deal with recently which I know isn't something I should beat myself for but at the same time, It was a lot to try and get a hold of. I've had quite a few difficult conversations with family this summer...I think growing up, I tend to just avoid it to protect myself as I know how they'd respond ...in a way that would just hurt me or feed into my unhealthy thoughts, but yeah recently I just had enough and needed to express that I wasn't okay, even if I knew I wouldn't hear the response I wanted- It was quite the breakdown haha. Those interactions were just so emotionally taxing- I knew I would get judged for crying and sharing those emotions so I was quite annoyed at myself for letting it out in an environment I knew wasn't going to be supportive, I suppose the weight of everything was too much and in general I think I knew i needed to cry but somehow couldn't until then? Also, I feel like I've been thinking hard about every single thing, spending a lot of time trying to process my own thoughts and emotions regarding so many things like my body issues, religion, relationships, friendships, family troubles and I found myself getting extremely sensitive and triggered a lot by comments my family would make about others / my body & my mum would often share stories of SA all the time and watch documentaries of it around me despite me saying I was uncomfortable (I haven't experienced it myself but my best friend has and I was the only one helping her for a year, I think that affected me more than I thought it would, and to think of it I have experienced physical intimidation and that also freaked me out). I would just feel sick to my stomach and I realised It's just so draining having to continuously remove yourself from spaces that feel unsafe instead of trying to fill that space up with good (I live at home so this is hard). I've also been more conscious than usual with my body, I've honestly been proud of how I've worked mentally to give myself some love but It's hard when there's constantly a lot of negative talk, even at home, when you're trying to overcome those voices. I think so many feelings arose and I just got overwhelmed with it all after trying to tackle it over and over- I think the emotional drain is the reason why I haven't been online, I just didn't feel like I had it in me but I hope to be here more, whenever I can. I honestly think I've come to terms with the idea that I may need therapy when I finally have space from home. I do love my family and I know they love me too, but at some point I just need to be honest and acknowledge that the space here isn't helping me heal. This is a bit random, but sometimes I look forward to being, just to be? Like, doing what you need to without feeling like you have to explain yourself or you're being judged ...for example, simply needing time with myself, going on walk when I feel overwhelmed, napping when I'm tired from a day out, to do this and that...maybe go to the bookstore randomly, to go out maybe 4 times a week when I'm losing myself in my thoughts and need friends / company, maybe 1, maybe not at all, and for some reason my parents act like I'm doing the worst or being stupid for how I spend my time, so it's hard for me to access the things I know I could benefit from. Anyway, I just wanted to rant for a bit.
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Comments
It's brave of you to have those difficult conversations with your family, even though you knew they might not respond as you hoped. Expressing your feelings, even in an environment that might not be fully supportive, is an important step toward asserting your needs and boundaries. Recognizing that certain topics or comments trigger negative emotions and taking steps to protect yourself from those triggers is a form of self-care.
If you're comfortable, consider reaching out to friends, support groups, or professional help when you're ready to continue navigating these complexities. You're not alone in your journey, and many people face similar struggles. Your insights and experiences can also help others going through similar situations.