Am I the problem?

spacedog

Is it my fault that I'm not getting better? Is it my fault that breathing exercises don't work for me? Am I just faking this all? I don't understand what's going on anymore, I'm slowly losing my mind but I don't understand - am I the one at fault? I don't understand what's going on

spacedog

I can't tell what's real or not anymore

spacedog

'burn the soul within' they tell me

yana

Hey @IainJammyboy how u feeling this morning? A little better I hope Well actually it's not even morning anymore lol but how are u doing?

I completely understand the feeling of 'is it my fault?' and 'am i faking it?' but I just want to assure you that the answer to both of those questions is no. You've not done anything wrong at all, I promise. Why do you feel like you're faking it? Is this linked to feeling like you're seeking attention? I probably said the same thing last time lol but a lot of the time I think being 'attention seeking' isn't bad, it just means you need support. Idk about your situation but I know that for me I used to believe I was faking what i was going through because I was actually just exaggerating it so that people could notice I was struggling and help me. For example I remember in year 8 (this is going to sound pathetic don't judge me lol) I used to go to the bathrooms and put water in my eyes so it would look like I was crying because I felt so numb and empty that I physically couldn't get myself to cry and unless there were visible tears streaming down my face no one was willing to acknowledge my struggles. So maybe you could be doing something similar which is what's making u feel like you're faking it? Idk if that even made any sense lol but the bottom line is that you haven't done anything wrong, nothing is your fault, and you aren't faking it. I promise you're gonna be ok one day I'm here if u wanna talk about anything more. Sending hugs!!

spacedog

@Xee it's more the fact I honestly have no clue what's real or not. I don't understand what's going on, but I saw those Shadows constantly last night moving through the walls and floors. That's what they told me 'burn the soul within' but I don't understand what they mean or what they want me to do. I'm at the fine line at the moment because this is all so real whether I'm questioning if it is real and normal or if there is something going on, I don't understand

yana

@IainJammyboy That sounds so so difficult and frustrating and confusing and I wish I had more education/experience on that sorta thing so I could know how to help more but honestly I have no clue and any advice I could try to give u may be unhelpful. Do you hear and see these shadows mostly during the night? It sounds so scary, I'm sending you lots of hugs Maybe it could be helpful to try and focus on the things that you know are real rather than the things you're unsure about? Like don't think about how the shadows and voices could be real, think about what you know is real. Idk if that makes sense or would be helpful but yeah I'm here if u wanna talk more! It just sucks you aren't getting the right support

spacedog

@Xee thank you, I'll definitely still try and give it a try. I was going to phone my CPN about all this stuff in like 20 minutes and I will report back if they want to help or if they just tell me a bunch of rubbish instead

spacedog

@Xee and I know what that phrase meant now - "burn the soul within" but I can say it definitely wouldn't be allowed on here

spacedog

Guess what I was told - "jUsT uSe YoUr BrEaThInG eXeRcIsEs!!" Jesus Christ this is unbelievable

yana

UGH why are these people like this wth why are they so useless omg. It's the most frustrating thing ever. I was talking to my friend earlier and his family is going through a lot and camhs and his gp and his school and literally everyone is fucking useless. It makes me so sad to think about how many people there are out there like you and him who are really struggling and not receiving the correct support. But I'm glad to hear u understand what that phrase from the shadows means (I think that's a good thing? that u understand it now) and if u wanna talk abt it more feel free to pm me How u doing today?

spacedog

@Xee it's all just a mess isn't it. Knowing what these shadows were trying to say is definitely not a good thing, but I'll say it definitely wouldn't be within the community guidelines. I might pm you later on if that's okay with you?

yana

@IainJammyboy that's totally ok feel free to pm me whenever u want I'm not feeling too great atm though so i might reply tmrw but i will defo reply when i can

VicK_torious

@IainJammyboy @Xee breathing exercises have never helped me with my panic attacks. Neither has any mediatation/ mindfulness exercise I've been intructed to follow. But through my studies I have realised that there is so much more to cognitive and self-exercises than these frequently given by the GP's etc. Have you tried approaching the help of any proffesional who specializes in Art therapy?

I cannot describe to you how much music and writing have helped to overcome the feeling when I am about to have a panic attack and I for sure know that art therapy is a major help in situations of dissociation or derealisation.
Have you ever heard of these conditions?

spacedog

@Xee bring able to see a private psychiatrist within about 2 weeks which is amazing, and I could even choose who I wanted to see. Also got some other great news - my violin teacher has allowed me to learn Shostakovich violin sonata, and I honestly can't wait

yana

@IainJammyboy yayyy I'm so glad things are going well let me know how the psychiatrist is/what they say!