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not sure if this belongs here buuuuut (trigger warning)
PetiteQuark
Posts: 47 Boards Initiate
so, sometimes I wish I could just look happy all the time, everyone says I look 'sad' even though personally I think my facial expression looks neutral (I have downturned lips so maybe that's why I look sad)
Even if I'm upset, everyone (especially my mum) says I have no reason to be sad, because 'I don't have any problems'
recently the doctors said I probably have autism, (well they said that for ages) and I got referred somewhere to get diagnosed, though the waiting time is very long, I'd probably finish my A-levels or whatever by the time I would get diagnosed, even though I do not think i am autistic, but she said that I probably do (i told her about some of my problems such as how I can't speak at all sometimes, having a 'weird' way of walking etc) and that I get upset over even little changes.
It's just that everyone thinks that I should look happy all the time, and that all of my problems are stupid, my mum always says that to me, yet she wonders why I never tell her anything!
I just want to be unable to feel upset and just look happy all the time.
Even if I'm upset, everyone (especially my mum) says I have no reason to be sad, because 'I don't have any problems'
recently the doctors said I probably have autism, (well they said that for ages) and I got referred somewhere to get diagnosed, though the waiting time is very long, I'd probably finish my A-levels or whatever by the time I would get diagnosed, even though I do not think i am autistic, but she said that I probably do (i told her about some of my problems such as how I can't speak at all sometimes, having a 'weird' way of walking etc) and that I get upset over even little changes.
It's just that everyone thinks that I should look happy all the time, and that all of my problems are stupid, my mum always says that to me, yet she wonders why I never tell her anything!
I just want to be unable to feel upset and just look happy all the time.
I used to self harm, I started in year 7, but I stopped and started doing it again in year 9 and stopped a few months ago,I used to hurt myself because I felt I wasn't a good daughter to my parents, that I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough, I used to get bullied for having acne and exczma in years 6 and 7 and even now I'm self concious about myself, I'm still trying to keep my mind off it. My mum thinks I shouldn't be so upset, that I have no reason at all to be upset since only adults have real problems. I am currently doing my GCSES (stressing over that horribly I did on the chemistry triple higher paper 1 and how easy physics triple higher paper 1 was, since the grade boundaries would be too high so i wouldn't get a high grade) It's just not easy, being belittled, having to do tests at 16, when you have your entire life ahead, and those tests decide what you will do for the rest of your lives. It really isn't.
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Regarding the possibility of having autism, it's important to approach the diagnostic process with an open mind. A formal diagnosis can provide a better understanding of your strengths and challenges and may lead to accessing appropriate support and resources. It's understandable that the waiting time for diagnosis can be frustrating, but it may be worth pursuing to gain further insights into your experiences.
You can reach out to other sources of support. This can include trusted friends, online communities, or support groups where individuals may share similar experiences and can offer understanding and guidance. It may take time to find understanding and support, but there are people and resources available to help you along your journey. You are not alone, and we’re here to listen!
I'm so sorry to hear that you feel like you don't deserve to feel upset. I understand how your past experiences and your mum's words have contributed to this feeling. I just want to say that any emotion you feel is completely valid - it's normal and okay to not feel happy all the time. I understand your sadness due to people not being able to recognise and understand your problems - but this doesn't make your problems any less valid.
Best of luck with your GCSEs, I understand how stressful it is taking them, especially since there's a common belief that good GCSEs = bright future (but this is not true at all!). I just want to say well done for persevering through this difficult time, and no matter the outcome, your future will be okay.
I would just like to ask if you have any trusted friends who you could talk to about these experiences? Talking about your feelings may help you feel better. If not, it may help to write out your feelings in a journal. Again, this can help you feel better and can also give your thoughts some clarity. It may even bring you some solace as well since you're writing down all of your emotions and accepting them as they are - without any judgment at all. Please feel free to continue writing here on the discussion boards, we're always here to listen you!
Take care, and I hope this helps!
Sending hugs,
Kai
I do not have alot of friends, I have a few, like 3, but they live pretty far away, so I do not see them often, i do text them sometimes but they are all busy with all their stuff. I am not sure about writing in a journal since people might find it and would become mad for the reasons I feel upset.
it's just that people often think, that people around my age (16), or well anyone who is not yet an adult (the strange thing is, some people think 18, which is legally an adult, doesn't count as an adult,) do not deserve to feel upset. I disagree with that so much, people assume that i've got nothing to stress about, which isn't true, especially because of the immense pressure of GCSEs, even if there are alternative pathways such as Btecs/T-levels, there is still alot of stigma around them
I have worries, I could not find a summer job even after applying to so many, I don't have my most recent mock results, I only have 1 offer at a sixth form, and haven't heard from any others (other than one other 6th form basically rejecting me) I have a massive fear of needles, and only a few months ago i had a blood test ( and it turned out im very anaemic, which to be honest, i had no idea about, and i was a bit scared (im taking iron medicene so i think i'll be fine) but i still havent gotten over of my fear of needles, and my hair was thinning so badly because of anaemia and I had no idea it was anaemia, i had to cut my hair short and before my hair went down to my waist
i'm a bit worried for my gcse results, my mum will get mad if i dont get 7s, my mum wants to move (unfortunately i have to move often) so im hoping i could live in my dad's house for 6th form, but then the 6th form near his house has ridiculously high entry requirements (8s and 9s in maths and physics to do alevel physics, i;m pretty sure 9s like very hard to get) and other stuff (sorry for ranting)
My gcses went alright actually, i feel a bit confident in physics (triple higher, i used to be in combined higher since year 9 but i moved schools in y11 and i was allowed to do triple) though im planning on retaking maths in november since I did foundation and wasn't allowed to do higher, i am just hoping i would be able to do alevel physics, even if it would mean i have to do it in november. I'm kind of disappointed that there were not alot of space questions because i am very good at those and i am a huge fan of astrophysics and high energy physics.
I hear you, it sounds like quite a frustrating experience for people to often misinterpret your facial expressions and make assumptions about how you’re feeling.
It seems like your mum is struggling to see things from your perspective and it can feel really invalidating when others dismiss or downplay what we’re going through so I just want to remind you that however you feel is completely valid
If you feel comfortable doing so, maybe it might be helpful to have a conversation with your mum and explain that the reason you don’t feel comfortable telling her things is because her reactions have made it difficult for you to feel comfortable opening up to her. Having honest conversations with others can help bridge the gap and clear up any misunderstanding, enabling them to better understand your perspective. That being said, you might not feel comfortable having that conversation, and that too is entirely okay; only do what you feel comfortable with.
Ultimately, your internal experience is exactly that – your own. Someone else might see your concerns or worries as "not that big of a deal" but in reality, you might experience them much differently – and the only reason they seem small in the eyes of others is because they’re not the one experiencing them. You are. And like i said earlier, however you feel about them is completely valid.
Even though it might not feel like it in the moment, it is okay for you to feel upset. Whether we view our emotions as good or bad, positive or negative, they all serve a purpose. The trick is allowing these emotions to run through us and find healthy ways to express them. Instead of trying to get rid of them – as that only drives them further inward, rather than releasing them – it might be helpful for you to instead explore ways to manage them. By finding outlets for self-expression, such as writing, journalling, painting, or talking to a close friend / someone you trust.
Also, I think it's perfectly natural to feel unsure about a diagnosis, especially if you don't personally identify with it. But it might be worth keeping an open mind and considering the possibility - as it might, if nothing else, lead to some helpful insights and help you to gain a better understanding of yourself.
Either way, you're not alone in feeling like this, and I, along with the rest of The Mix Community, are here to support you
Take care,
- A