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Frustration (Tw- self harm and suicidal thoughts)
SpaceOtter
Community Champion Posts: 885 Part of The Mix Family
Hi,
Im not really sure how i feel.
People keep telling me i seem calmer. I must admit I find that frustrating and confusing, because why don't i feel calmer?
I apparently seem more at ease but i feel a few seconds away from exploding no matter how hard i try with self care.
It makes me feel lonely. There used to be a rain cloud hanging over my head. But now the storm is just on the inside. It still effects me just the same, but people keep telling me how sunny it is now. But it isn't sunny, i really wish it was sunny.
I don't like feel angry or frustrated, people are being nice and trying to help it just makes me feel sad when they tell me things are better but they don't feel that way.
It also makes me afraid of messing up, i dont want to make then sad. Sometimes i wonder if its best that the storm us on the inside.
Sometimes i wonder if i am better but im lying to myself because im selfish. Maybe subconsiouly i like the attention. But that doesnt really make sense because the attention makes me squirm and stare at my shoes,i push people away when im really struggling.
Besides the things that ive been doing and thoughts that i have been having lately are signs i havent progressed as far as I like to pretend. I may be better in some aspects but im worse in others. But i don't like telling people that because it makes me feel silly telling them the bad things when they think i seem calmer. I feel like a liar and like im dragging myself down.
I do acknowledge there are good things ,i am getting better slowly and I will continue to get better. But things are still very tough,the self harm and thoughts are still very consuming.
I don't want to keep pretending its all gone away,i want it to actually go away.
I have a meeting tomorrow with the primary team, i think i might get discharged. I told the lady at college no matter what happens tomorrow ill be ok,but i don't fully believe that. I know things can get better, but I don't trust myself anymore. I don't feel safe left alone with my mind. But telling anyone that feels manipulative and wrong.
I am safe,and ill be ok.
Sending big hugs. Take care
Im not really sure how i feel.
People keep telling me i seem calmer. I must admit I find that frustrating and confusing, because why don't i feel calmer?
I apparently seem more at ease but i feel a few seconds away from exploding no matter how hard i try with self care.
It makes me feel lonely. There used to be a rain cloud hanging over my head. But now the storm is just on the inside. It still effects me just the same, but people keep telling me how sunny it is now. But it isn't sunny, i really wish it was sunny.
I don't like feel angry or frustrated, people are being nice and trying to help it just makes me feel sad when they tell me things are better but they don't feel that way.
It also makes me afraid of messing up, i dont want to make then sad. Sometimes i wonder if its best that the storm us on the inside.
Sometimes i wonder if i am better but im lying to myself because im selfish. Maybe subconsiouly i like the attention. But that doesnt really make sense because the attention makes me squirm and stare at my shoes,i push people away when im really struggling.
Besides the things that ive been doing and thoughts that i have been having lately are signs i havent progressed as far as I like to pretend. I may be better in some aspects but im worse in others. But i don't like telling people that because it makes me feel silly telling them the bad things when they think i seem calmer. I feel like a liar and like im dragging myself down.
I do acknowledge there are good things ,i am getting better slowly and I will continue to get better. But things are still very tough,the self harm and thoughts are still very consuming.
I don't want to keep pretending its all gone away,i want it to actually go away.
I have a meeting tomorrow with the primary team, i think i might get discharged. I told the lady at college no matter what happens tomorrow ill be ok,but i don't fully believe that. I know things can get better, but I don't trust myself anymore. I don't feel safe left alone with my mind. But telling anyone that feels manipulative and wrong.
I am safe,and ill be ok.
Sending big hugs. Take care
You're awesome!
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Comments
I just wanted certainty. Im very sad now but im sure ill feel better in the morning.
I got so upstet yesterday i just poured my drink over the floor. I dont know why,i just wanted the noise to stop. It didnt help,only gave me a ness to clean up.
Theres a quote ive been thinking about alot lately.
Its about a man who had a dream he was a butterfly and then he wakes up,and he says,
"Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a man. "
Am i really this way, or did i read and hear things that i made a part of an act, but somewhere along the line forgot it was an act. Is it real? Why am i so different from a few years ago, a few months ago even.
When did i start putting my hands over my ears on the train and rocking? When did it all get so much.
Sometimes you think so much it all stops feeling real. I don't always feel real.
When I was little i used to wonder what if its all in my head, if i die will the world around me stop existing.
Thoughts and feelings are just a concept aren't they, theyre not real. The things that make me sad aren't real.
Ive had a lot of awful dreams lately. And sometimes reality and my dreams blur together. Sometimes I wake up full of sadness and i grieve for things that weren't real, it can take up to an hour to realise the event upsetting me never happened.
I won't go into detail about the dreams,theyre pretty graphic and disturbing sometimes. But either death or self harm tends to be the main feature of the dreams. I havent told anyone about them. I don't always let myself admit how much they bother me. I bottle them away.
Things are difficult ,im on the road to getting better but things are tough right now.
People understand sadness to a degree, they don't understand feeling like everything is too close,and your body feels wrong and everything's wrong and you just want to lash out at yourself til it stops.
Brains are tricky. Sometimes i think people believe sadness only looks like frowning and crying.
People kind of understand when you cry. But its different when they see you calm but on the inside you're curled up into a ball, sobbing on the floor as the world collapses around you.
I don't like when people crowd me when i cry,i prefer to be left alone. But at least when i cried no one told me i looked calm or much better.
I know they mean well it just makes me feel wrong telling them truth. It makes it all feel like a lie.
Im sorry for sounding angry or ungrateful. I don't really have a reason to feel like this.
Take care, big hugs.
This is a super interesting quote. I've had a dream recently where I was so calm and peaceful, when I talked to people I was confident and I didn't care what they thought of me, everything was just perfect. When I woke up I just felt so content with myself, a feeling I haven't felt in years... until I realised it was all a dream and none of that actually happened, then I felt incredibly sad. It still hurts me so much that I was a lot more happier dreaming rather than being awake. The dream felt more real than life itself.
I used to think the same thing! Sometimes I still have trouble understanding that even though I am here in my room all by myself, there is still sooo much more happening outside these walls, and just because I don't get to see or experience it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Sorry I wish I could say more or give some good advice but I really don't know what else to say. But again, I relate to many of the things you said so I understand how hard all this is for you. I'm always here to listen or talk if you want. Take care of yourself!
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It sounds like you're going through a difficult time, and it's important to acknowledge and validate your feelings. It can be frustrating when others perceive you as calmer or better when you still feel overwhelmed internally. Remember that your experiences and emotions are valid, and it's okay to feel differently from how others perceive you.
Feeling lonely despite receiving support is not uncommon. It's also important to be kind to yourself and not judge your progress based on others' perceptions or expectations. Recovery is a journey with ups and downs, and it's okay to have setbacks or struggles along the way. Recognizing your strengths and the progress you've made while acknowledging the areas where you're still struggling is a more balanced and compassionate approach.
Regarding your upcoming meeting with the primary team, it might be helpful to express your concerns and doubts during the meeting. They can provide guidance and support based on your current needs. If you don't feel safe being left alone with your thoughts, it's crucial to let someone know, as they may be able to offer strategies or resources to help you cope.
If you're comfortable, consider discussing your feelings with a mental health professional who can provide guidance tailored to your specific situation. You don't have to face these challenges alone, and there are people who can help. Take care, and be gentle with yourself