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Please help me
Basically, I have been really worried that I have feelings for my older brother. For context, I'm 15 and he is 23, so he moved out for uni when i was about 12. He is also quite conventionally attractive. I don't really have a close bond with him, although we get on and have an ok relationship. I have been worried about having some kind of inappropriate feelings for him since about January after I visited him with my mother. At first I had been worried about finding him physically attractive, then I was paranoid about having sexual feelings for him (which I'm still not really sure about), and now my current problem is that I am worried that I have some sort of grossly inappropriate crush on him (although I would obviously never tell him any of this happened or try and make any kind of moves). I became worried about this after video calling him with my mother and I felt kind of giddy and happy and nervous talking to him and that combined with the fact that he is good looking (I think it's necessary to mention that this is not just my opinion, girls are often interested in him) and the fact that I don't know how I would feel if he got a girfriend (I think I would be excited to meet her but also would feel a little bit of sadness which is obviously worrying) made me really worried that I like him in that way, which is obviously completely inappropriate. I can't help feeling anxious about it almost constantly and thinking that my friends and everyone I know (appart from my mum who tries to talk it through with me and says it's normal) would hate me if they knew and I worry that it's true and that these feelings will last forever. My worries and upset over it have gotten me to the point that I often have suicidal thoughts, although I don't think I would actually committ. Is this normal? I just can't stop panicing and thinking that there's something is wrong with me 🙁 has anyone else been through this?