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Just silly self reflection.

SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
Hi!

Recently ive been struggling alot but ive had a lot of support from others. But when im with people i trust I can't help but feel guilty afterwards.
So instead of picking apart all my interactions with people I thought tonight id write out my thoughts to make sense of it

Everyone must hate me surely.
They must hate me as much as i do.
Every stim,every nervous sorry, every question, every time I break down crying is just another reason to not want me around.

I frequently have to remind myself people don't hate me. Its a weird feeling. Because I feel arogant when im reminding myself im not hated, certainly not by the people who matter.

Why is it easier to believe people can't stand you than it is to believe they could actually like you? I think I know why, its a combination of feeling vulnerable, self loathing and past experiences. But its really sad that its like that for so many people. It shouldn't be easier to think you're a burden than it is to think your loved.

Of course its not easy to deal with feeling like a burden it just feels more believable some days. Our brains are quicker to accept the bad thoughts as the truth even when those thoughts couldn't be more wrong.

Sometimes my thoughts tell me that im hurting people by reaching out and im a nuisance. It makes me sad but its not hard to believe. Yet when people tell me im kind or that they like me,my brain cuts out completely. White noise fulls my brain and i stare at my feet as i shake my head. Theres no room for argument, I don't verbally protest. I just shut down. Because it can't possibly be true can it. Why on earth would people like me?

I've thought about it alot lately. Ive been receiving a lot of help and kindness in different ways. And whilst its some people's jobs to help, others have gone the extra mile or helped even when they didn't need to. Someone told me it was because people like me.

And I don't believe that. I believe its because they are extremely kind individuals who just don't want to see someone struggling. Maybe they've been through something similar or maybe they just feel guilty at the idea of telling me to go away,eventhough there's no reason to feel guilty.

But there was a split second that i wondered, maybe they do like me and my brain whispered they may like you today but they won't tomorrow.

I wish I didn't see kindness, patience and happiness as something thats finite. Sometimes I imagine all my positive experiences with people as sand in an hour glass and once it reaches the bottom thats it. I would have used up everyones kindness and patience and since there's none left they won't want me around anymore. They won't ignore my flaws any longer.

I want to believe that im not hurting people. I want to believe my presence isn't a burden and that I deserve to be here.

But I just feel guilty when I try to tell myself these things.

We see the worst parts of ourselves,  we see the cracks no one else sees,its why its so hard to believe people. But sometimes they see the good in us we don't see.

I do know no one thinks about me as much as i do. But ive taken so much support and help lately. And im very frustrated with my brain. So i wouldn't blame others for being frustrated with me too.

I really want to believe there's something good in me. I want to believe my good qualites make up for my bad.

I've spent so much time picking apart my actions and my own character i don't really know what I am anymore.

Ive always had this feeling of not wanting to be liked by everyone, i just dont want to be hated by anyone.

I dont want to cause trouble.

Im sorry again for the silly ramble.

I hope you're ok. Big hugs.  <3
You're awesome!
Salix_alba_2019JJLemon18Past UserGemmaAmy22saffjxdeebyrne556

Comments

  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Happy Friday @SpaceOtter! I hope you're feeling better today! :)
    I know exactly what you mean, I relate a lot. But I feel like you're taking the best steps by acknowledging all this, and that's great!
    Remember that no matter what you tell yourself you are an incredible person and we all appreciate you being here!
    I'm sending lots of hugs! <3
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    SpaceOtter
  • Salix_alba_2019Salix_alba_2019 Deactivated Posts: 1,646 Extreme Poster
    Sending big hugs @SpaceOtter

    Thank you for sharing with us today and I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling with these feelings. It's difficult accepting people's kindness especially when we don't feel too great in ourselves, it must be conflicting and very exhausting.

    I love how honest and understanding you are, and how you're always willing to go the extra mile to cheer people up. There's a place for you here in the world, cry if you need to, stim if you need to. There's space for you too Erin, even on your worst days ❤
    SpaceOtter
  • emiip98emiip98 Moderator Posts: 132 The Mix Convert
    Hi @SpaceOtter

    Thank you for sharing this with us <3

    These feelings can be difficult to deal with, it sounds like you're at war with yourself, it can be hard processing how others view you as a person, its a great step that you are acknowledging this about yourself as it means that you are starting to question the bad thoughts that you have about yourself, you can now start to challenge these thoughts :)

    Always feel free to share how you're feeling with us, sometimes it can be good to just vent <3
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    SpaceOtter
  • GemmaGemma Community Manager Posts: 453 Listening Ear
    Hi @SpaceOtter, thank you for sharing this with us <3

    You have articulated yourself so well here, and I can really get a sense of how you're feeling. You write beautifully. I know you mentioned you wrote this out to try and make sense of your feelings - I really hope this helped you.

    Lots of things in your post resonated with me. I love when you said:
    It shouldn't be easier to think you're a burden than it is to think your loved.
    You're so right with this, but I think lots of us can hear you when you say how difficult it is not to hold those intrusive thoughts about what people think about us and how tough it is not to question whether people like us or not.

    I want to say that we certainly don't see you as a burden and you're such a valued member of the community. It's definitely easier said than done (speaking from experience!), but you certainly shouldn't judge yourself or feel guilty for reaching out for help/support and it's so positive that you have been receiving lots of kindness recently. We all need support throughout this life and there are always people willing to listen.

    As @eparker98 has said, it can be good to vent and the community care about you.

    How are you doing this weekend? <3
    SpaceOtter
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 3,789 Community Veteran
    @SpaceOtter Please don't apologise for having to reach out as your more than welcome to talk about anything that you need to. I know exactly how you feel. Internal thoughts can be a pain sometimes. It can be hard accepting people's kindness and advice and this is totally normal. Even I have struggled with accepting others kindness. Sometimes our brains and thoughts like to twist things and make them thoughts into something worse than they are, especially when your thoughts want you to feel bad eventhough you shouldn't feel bad. It sounds like you are going through a lot at the moment. Feeling like people don't like you sounds very draining and stressful. However, eventhough you may think that people may not like you, they probably actually do like you because they chose to help you. Always remember that your thoughts and feelings are valid here. I'm always here too if you would like to talk more about how you are feeling at this moment,

    Sending hugs,

    Amy22 <3
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
    SpaceOtter
  • RenPRenP Posts: 203 Trailblazer
    @SpaceOtter

    Thank you for sharing <3

    You have written from your heart and I hope you were able to free some of this from your mind and into words. I think it's a really healthy outlet to have.

    I guess if you're able to look deeper into it then try to pick apart the combination of feeling vulnerable, self loathing and past experiences and what it is that has made you feel this way. You say you're not sure who you are as a person, maybe if you can, try to write another piece on who you are, what makes you you, without thinking about it too much and just free write, and no one else has to read it, and maybe it will help you to gain insight.

    It's really great to hear you're receiving support and kindness and yes maybe people are just extremely kind individuals who just don't want to see someone struggling but that in turn means that people do want to help you to be the best version of yourself that you can be. You are never a burden on the mix and never have to feel guilty or apologise for sharing how you feel.

    Your presence in this world is not burdening and you do deserve to be here @SpaceOtter

    Be gentle with yourself <3
    SpaceOtter
  • GemmaGemma Community Manager Posts: 453 Listening Ear
    @SpaceOtter so glad that this helps you process things - your posts are absolutely not cheesy or silly!

    We're all here for you <3

    What a cute rabbit!! Aww his big floppy ear - does he have a name? :)
    SpaceOtter
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Don't worry about it @SpaceOtter. As @Gemma said, your posts are totally not cheesy or silly, they're just yours! And we're all just glad that they help you feel better, so keep posting!
    SpaceOtter wrote: »
    Your replies were like a hug.
    Group hug??? Idk that's the first thing that came to my mind haha :smiley:

    And your rabbit is just so adorable! He totally made me smile! :3 What is his name?
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    SpaceOtter
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    Thank you @JJLemon18 and @Gemma
    His name us jim hopper!

    I hope youre well <3
    You're awesome!
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    edited May 2023
    Im getting better. But things are still hard.
    I will have good days soon.
    Its weird for a while when things were bad,I didn't feel like me. My body and thoughts felt alien.
    I feel like me now. But everything is different.
    The only way i can think to explain it is to imagine the mind as a building. It used to be my home but I stayed somewhere else for a while, somewhere unfamiliar and devoid of any memories or comfort.
    Im home now but someone painted the walls a different colour, they moved the furniture around, Changed the light bulbs so everything is too bright. They chopped down the tree in the garden.
    Some of changes can be undone, i can move the furniture back. Some of the changes may take a while to reverse, i can't bring back the old tree but i can plant a new one. Some of the changes should stay. And some of them are lingering longer than id like.
    Everything feels familiar and unfamiliar at the same time.

    I miss alot of things.
    I find myself longing for things i can't have yet. In time ill be ready. But I still miss these things eventhough i know theyll return soon.
    I don't like being kept away from most people. Im placed in a quiet area at work, so i don't see many of my colleagues anymore. Im grateful to be away from the busyness of the shopfloor but i miss people laughing and joking with me. I told myself i wasn't sad, i told myself i was grateful. I am grateful for their kindness but I realised you can be sad and grateful at the same time. The quiet place at work is the safest places for me to be right now and thats the priority. But I do miss how things used to be at work.I wasn't close to them, I just liked saying hello and listening to their jokes.

    I don't talk much anymore to most people,  the thought of forming words feels too tiring or overwhelming most of the time. So i nod or give thumbs up. But it makes me feel like a shadow. Is it weird i miss talking to people but right now I don't really want to talk . Writing is easier,  but it feels lonely living behind email and text messages. There's a handful of people I can still talk to like i used to ,but even with them theres times talking is too much.

    I  used to daydream and write. I had these elaborate worlds. I used to just feel myself melting away into my imagination. Now its like ive been locked out. I know it may seem silly to care so much about my stupid imagination but i miss it. I hope my mind lets me back into my worlds soon.

    I miss being able to understand things without needing a couple days to process it or someone explaining and showing me a few times.  Getting involved in things and even accessing support is difficult when your brain can't really comprehend any of it.
    Everyone around me has been so kind, but they all feel so far away. I appreciate their kindness but i miss talking like we used to,i miss laughing with people,  i miss being able to help.
    I miss it all so much.


    Im getting better. Im going to be ok. It was just a bad day.

    Sending big hugs <3 Take care!
    You're awesome!
    JJLemon18saffjxde
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Heya @SpaceOtter, its me again. :) Happy Monday!
    I'm sure you probably heard this before, but your writing is so poetic! Reading many of your posts makes me so emotional. I can relate to a lot of what you said, you are able to explain some of my feelings that I can't even process myself. I'm sending so much big hugs! <3 Take care of yourself!

    Jim Hopper is such a cool name, I love it!
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • saffjxdesaffjxde Posts: 50 Boards Initiate
    Hi @SpaceOtter hope you're doing okay today. Your words are so beautiful to read, there's an air of majestic-ness about it if that makes sense. I relate a lot to what you say and it's really amazing that you can share and be really honest as well, and also just being able to articulate so clearly. One day at a time, I'm sending lots of hugs, and even if there are bad days, that also means there are good days too which are worth holding on to.
    Hugs!
    nothing is so strong as gentleness and nothing is so gentle as real strength - st francis de sales
  • RenPRenP Posts: 203 Trailblazer
    @SpaceOtter

    Thank you for sharing. Your words are really beautiful. Have you ever thought about writing as something you'd like to pursue?

    I really like your building analogy, it's a lot easier to imagine what is going on when you put it like that. Maybe your home is still the same as you left it, the same colour walls, same furniture, but when you stayed in the unfamiliar place it changed your perspective, so now you are home you see things differently. Maybe try to put it back to the way you like it, maybe it will not be the same as before as you can't go backwards but you can adjust it to something new, something you like. Like you said, you can't bring back the old tree but you can grow a new one, and I think this is really prevalent here.

    It's okay to miss these things, your imagination, laughing with people. It's okay to feel that and express that. Do you think it's something you could tell the people at work? In terms of your imagination, I used to do this thing in the mornings called 'the morning pages'. Every morning as soon as you wake up writing a page just about anything and everything and free write, I used to break my dreams sometimes and it helped my creativity because I knew no one was going to read it so I had the freedom to blurt out whatever was on my mind at that point - maybe you could try something like that to help spark your imagination again?

    I know you say it feels lonely living behind email and texts, and that people's kindness feels so far away, but I do hope you get some clarity from writing these posts. It's a really positive way to cope with what goes on in your brain and the people on The Mix are always here to listen :)

    Take care @SpaceOtter <3
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