Home Health & Wellbeing
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨

A friendly kind of sadness

SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
edited April 2023 in Health & Wellbeing
Hi I hope youre ok.

I dont know how much of this makes sense, im not even sure if i want it to.

Sometimes i think posting here is like throwing a pebble in a river. The current corrects itself but just for a few seconds i changed it, i made a ripple. I made a change in the river for a few seconds. When i let out my thoughts for a few seconds i feel lighter. I have the ability to change things and one day my relief will last longer than a few seconds.

Sometimes i think of my thoughts and feelings as people, figures who appear when feelings are intense, good and bad feelings. I used to feel my really bad thoughts following me. They never left but i grew fond of their company. I didnt turn to them when i was sad but instead when i felt overwhelmingly broken inside. Id imagine looking over at them and theyd smile back softly. And in that moment it felt like we both knew what i had to do. How to make it stop.
I dont imagine seeing them anymore anymore.

I used to imagine happiness as a person too. Theyd hug me tight. Happiness still visits frequently and i see them and i smile but they dont hug me anymore. They stand beside me.

My happiness no longer feels like happines. Instead the sadness in me just aches in my chest. I smile but it feels sad. But in a way i like the weird achy sadness, its a friendly type of sadness. For now that friendly achy sadness is my happiness.

I always feel sad. Ive felt sad for a long time before but back then things felt grey. They dont feel grey this time. Its a warm kind of sadness. I know that probably doesnt make sense. Its like that sadness you feel when watching a sad moive, its intense and raw in the moment and you feel the tears run down your face, you hug yourself tight around the middle and you feel like youre going to fall apart.

In the past i havent felt real when things got bad. I was watching the world through a window.

Ive never felt so connected to life before. Im here. And the world around me is loud and bright. Its so real it hurts. And people care about me and i care about them. I just feel so sad.

I like to doodle,to go on long walks and listen to music. They still make me sad but i remind myself one day ill listen to this song or read this book and ill smile brightly and it wont be a sad smile.

Good days will come. I know that. Healing takes time. Its just tiring and lonely feeling so sad. But it will pass.

Everything feels sad right now. I dont think theres anything i could do other than to ride it out. Im doing good things and talking to good people.

Im sorry for rambling so much. I just wanted to throw a pebble in the river. I wanted to remember things can change. Because one day ill read this post back and ill smile and ill imagine giving my past self a hug and telling them things will change.

I doubt i made sense. And it was an overdramatic weird ramble. But for three seconds i felt ok.

I wish you all the best. Sending hugs. Look after yourself <3
You're awesome!
yanaJJLemon18Terry8936

Comments

  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Let me tell you SpaceOtter, you threw this pebble and skipped it a couple times! This post so beautiful it literally made me emotional. I'm sending so many hugs! :heart:

    Don't worry about rambling at all, as long as it makes you feel better then throw as many pebbles as you want, eventually the pebbles will fill up the river and make it go a completely new path! (I don't know if that even makes sense haha)

    I know it will get better, and I'm so glad you know that too! Take care of yourself, you deserve it so much! :heart:
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    SpaceOtter
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    Big hugs @JJLemon18 , thank you that really means alot and makes a lot of sense. Big hugs, happy Thursday! I hope youre ok <3
    You're awesome!
    JJLemon18
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Heya @SpaceOtter, happy Thursday!
    Yea, I'm ok. I returned from my therapist session and I want to make a few posts but I just can't get to doing it. Been just sitting here listening to music all the time.
    How are you feeling today?
    Believe in me - who believes is you
    SpaceOtter
  • Terry8936Terry8936 Posts: 271 The Mix Regular
    @SpaceOtter Thank you for your sharing. They are sincere and beautiful. It's nice to hear people express their feelings, and it's fine no matter it makes sense or not.

    It's okay to feel sad sometimes, and it's great that you're taking positive steps to take care of yourself by doing good things and talking to good people. And it's wonderful that you can find a glimmer of hope and comfort in the idea that things can and will change in the future. Remember that it's important to be kind and patient with yourself, and to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up. We're here to support you!
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email [email protected] with questions or concerns.
    SpaceOtter
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    Happy Thursday, thankyou @Terry8936 and @JJLemon18

    I think im ok. Im not sure.

    Its funny, last year i would have considered feeling like this very bad. But i suppose my view of ok has changed. Last years bad days would be considered good days this year. Thats ok, its sad but its ok. And in the future i will have very good days. Compared to how i felt in december i think how im feeling now is pretty good progress.

    But I think the mistake i made in the past was not allowing myself to admit i felt sad just because id felt worse before. Things will pass but right now its very overwhelming to sit with the sadness and wait for it to pass. Its always there and I miss the happiness.

    I was talking to someone about how intensely i feel things, even the good things. I used to shake with happiness when i was excited, sometimes something as simple as a new episode of my favourite show would make me close my eyes and pull my knees close to my chest as my whole body shook. It was like being made of light. I miss that. But for now the achy sadness is enough. Because its better than when i felt numb.
    It still hurts but at least im feeling things.

    I take comfort in knowing im not alone this time. I really appreciate everyones kindness. Thankyou for listening to my weird rambles. I just let my brain write what it wanted too. I didnt try to control it,it was scary but nice to let it all out.

    Take care, wishing you all the best.
    You're awesome!
    yanaJJLemon18ebyrne556
Sign In or Register to comment.