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Preparing myself for an apointment

SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
Happy Thursday!

Hi, ill try to keep this brief, but its not been a very good time mentally lately. I feel like ive been quite intense and messy lately, so sorry about that.

I have an apointment tomorrow with the primary mental health team. Ive seen him a few times before and hes very nice.
Last time i saw him i confided in him about self harm, we had already previously talked about my suicidal thoughts.
He suggested we refer me to the community mental health team.
It feels wrong and over the top but he thought it was a good idea, so i agreed.
He said he would email to let me know if they would assess me.
He didnt email but i got a letter last week saying i have an apointment with him tomorrow.

Im trying to prepare myself for the very high likely hood cmht wont assess me. And even if they do asses me they wont want to see me.
I dont mind. Other people need the help more.
I just want to get this out of the way so we can figure out what we are going to do support wise.
I just dont want to get upset about it, i get upset about everything too easily.
I know its life but i dont like how uncertain everything is.

Im also worried hes going to be mad. I gave his email to the support lady at college so she could contact him. Her and my tutor said he wouldnt be mad and would appreciate them reaching out to him. But im still worried.

Im so lucky. Everyone is trying to help. I dont mean to be ungrateful i just miss being in control and knowing what happening.
I dont even feel in control of my mind anymore.
Im so tired and i want help i just feel like i keep messing it up by shutting down and getting upset.

Big hugs <3
You're awesome!
Emma_JJLemon18Terry8936yana

Comments

  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Community Champion Posts: 1,876 Extreme Poster
    Hey SpaceOtter, I'm so glad you are getting the support you deserve. And yes, you do deserve it! Don't worry about people who "need the help more" because you should focus on yourself first, then worry about others, that is their job. ;)
    Its really nice that you know you are lucky, that is already a big sign that you are grateful!
    I completely relate to not feeling in control of your own mind, and the fact that everything feels so uncertain. There are a lot of things we can't change, but we don't have to worry about it, worrying often makes situations seem a lot worse than they really are. I'm sure it will be fine and you will feel better soon!

    Sorry I don't have much advice for you, I'm honestly not exactly sure what the different mental health teams are, but I believe in you. You can always come and update us how its been and how you're feeling after the meeting.
    Sending lots of hugs, look after yourself! :heart:
    Believe in me - who believes is you
  • Terry8936Terry8936 Posts: 271 The Mix Regular
    Happy Thursday too, @SpaceOtter .

    Everyone can take time for their mental health. It’s very good and helpful that you have some professional help. It’s normal to worry or upset, but you deserve the support.

    It is understandable to feel that way when you have less control of life, but it takes time and effort to improve, and I'm sure you are on the right path. Try to take care of yourself as best you can in the meantime. Take a walk, listen to some calming music, or do something that brings you joy. Remember that you're doing the best you can, and that's all anyone can ask of you.

    Good luck with tomorrow’s appointment!
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  • emiip98emiip98 Moderator Posts: 132 The Mix Convert
    Happy Thursday @SpaceOtter (almost the weekend),

    I'm glad that you have a great support system and that you are working towards getting the help that you need.

    Your feelings are valid so do not disregard them, things like this can bring up every emotion and that is okay. It is understandable that you feel less in control but the steps that you are taking are a positive way to regain control step by step and you should be so proud of yourself for doing this.

    Wishing you all the best tomorrow <3
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  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    Thank you @JJLemon18 , @eparker98 and @Terry8936 . I really apreciate your kind replies. Hope you have a good day <3
    You're awesome!
    JJLemon18
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    I had the appointment. I dont know how i feel about it. Im trying not to think about it in depth.

    The person i normally see wasnt there. That made me really sad which is silly.
    But i spoke calmy answered all the questions.
    Not as in depth as i could but nevermind.

    I think they were annoyed i hadnt submitted some forms yet. I was just overwhelmed.

    The assessment is done now at least once theyve rejected me we can move on to finding different support. Even if its only seeing someone once a month, im fine with that, id just like to know for sure whats happening. Hopefully i will soon.

    I just wish i didnt feel sad. I have two weeks now with no people. Itll be fine once i stop worrying.

    Take care <3
    You're awesome!
    JJLemon18
  • genderless_fungigenderless_fungi Moderator Posts: 156 Helping Hand
    Hey @SpaceOtter

    First of all I want to say how brave and positive it is that you're reaching out for help, both here and with professionals, and I want to echo what @JJLemon18 said about you deserving all the help you need, even though there might be other people in need as well.

    I don't think it's silly that you felt sad you weren't assessed by someone you already have a rapport with, opening up with someone is hard and it's normal to feel some sort of bond. Anyways it's great you feel like you managed to answer all the questions and that you finally got assessed! I'm sure they understand that the people that make use of their services might sometimes be struggling so i'm sure that submitting some forms late won't be a problem.

    I hope you get to see someone soon and that things start to be a little less uncertain for you in terms of what kind of support you'll be able to receive. Please don't hesitate to let us know if you need any support or resources to use while you wait :)
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    SpaceOtter
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    Thank you @genderless_fungi <3 hope you have a happy day!
    You're awesome!
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    Im trying really hard to keep myself distracted. The uneasy feeling never goes but im trying to focus on the happiness. I keep telling myself at least there is happiness this time, even if its tied to anxiety its better than nothing.
    Im really trying hard, even been trying positive affirmations.

    But im not getting anything done, everything feels messy and unfinished . The stimming is pretty bad, it gets a little aggressive. I dont like it.
    But im trying to be better, to be relaxed. I dont want to be sad the next time i see the people helping. I want to show them i can be good. I can help myself.

    But theres phone calls to be made and forms to be filled and i cant do it.

    The support lady at college ( i luckily still see her eventhough i defferred) suggested dedicating half hour a day to draw a plant from my ID books.
    But i cant find them anywhere, after a week i eventualy got myself to copy a photo of a plant, but my brain feels sad because i want the books. Its silly. But plants are starting to reappear,i want to go out with my books and search for them like last year. I even feel sad on my walks because i think about the books. Its silly.
    We've searched everywhere. Ive searched my room so many times but its a ness and i camt get myself to tidy it. Mum offers to help but i have things she cant see. And shes frustrated i wont let her help.

    TW
    I was self harm free for a couple days, but i felt like i was failing someone. It feels more wrong and guilty to stop than it does to continue. i feel nothing when i do it. But its superficial and safe. Im just tired of it. Id like it to stop , its tiring to hide but i have no drive to stop it

    Sorry for the rant.

    Have a good day!
    You're awesome!
    yanaJJLemon18
  • yanayana Community Champion Posts: 1,266 Wise Owl
    @SpaceOtter I feel this, I used to relate to pretty much everything you've just said. But I haven't self harmed in almost a year now! It does get better, I promise you. I know everyone says 'it'll get better one day blah blah blah' and you're like 'ok well one day yeah but right now I'm really struggling' and I get that but honestly you just have to keep trying your best and looking forward to the future. Be kind to yourself as much as you can be. I'm really proud of you, honestly you're doing so much better than you realise! Just keep going, take life day by day. And don't apologise for ranting! We're all here for you :)

    Sending hugs <3
    my brain is not braining the way brains are meant to brain
    SpaceOtter
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Community Champion Posts: 701 Part of The Mix Family
    edited April 2023
    Thanks @Xee big hugs <3
    Welldone on almost a year free thats awesome!
    Ive struggled with self harm before. I was 2 years free before i relapsed about a month ago.
    Its just frustrating because this time it doesnt feel wrong eventhough i know logicaly it is. It doesnt feel like inflicting harm, it doesnt feel like me im doing it to.

    The time i spend at night doing it doesnt feel connected tothe rest of my life. Its like a drean or an advert break between the main show.
    Sometimes i think i forget the aftermath lasts longer than that hour.

    It definietly doesnt feel like last time. Its not driven by feelings.
    You're awesome!
    yana
  • yanayana Community Champion Posts: 1,266 Wise Owl
    @SpaceOtter Thanks! It's weird because I totally get why I used to do it before but at the same time I feel like my view on it has changed so much.

    Do you know what triggered your relapse? There might not have been something specific but if there was then I hope you can identify what it was and seek support for it! I get that whole dream like thing though, I always used to do it when I was either in the bathroom or at night in my bed. It was like I entered a different reality when I did it and then I simply left the bathroom, went back to normal life, and acted like nothing had happened.

    Do you know why it feels different to last time? If it isn't driven by feelings what is it driven by? I think once you identify why you do it then you're one step closer to stopping. Also pleaseee make sure you're cleaning your wounds and taking care of them! You don't wanna get infected.
    my brain is not braining the way brains are meant to brain
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