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Anhedonia(?)
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 2,082 Boards Champion
Hi. I am writing this because I am just fed up with myself and the way I live, I want to change it so much yet I'm doing nothing about it. I'm just hoping that someone here has some miracle advice that could help me, but if not then take this as more of my rambles about why I'm feeling the way I do.
I am recently having so much trouble with motivation and also enjoying things in general. I can't get myself to start doing (or continue doing) many things like courseworks, hobbies and even everyday chores.
I few weeks ago I had an assignment due that I had a lot of trouble with, I missed many lectures and couldn't concentrate on the few that I did go to. This meant that I was really behind and so I applied for mitigating circumstances to get a bit more time (the therapy sessions that I was waiting for were the evidence to support my claim that I am having mental health struggles) so they gave me an extra two weeks. The problem comes where instead of working for the two weeks I was "working" for two weeks if you know what I mean. I made almost no progress because I couldn't focus so I ended up rushing it in the last two days. And I didn't finish it. Even with an extra two weeks I couldn't finish my assignment! I am so worried about my future in this case, I don't want to mess everything up just because by brain isn't bothered to work when I want it to. I feel so helpless.
I have no idea what even happened for the two weeks because I didn't do most of the things I enjoy because I kept telling myself that I should be "working" on my coursework instead as that is more important, yet I'm still making no progress. I literally accomplished nothing in this time, nothing fun nor productive.
People tell me to ask for help, send emails to your tutor, to your teachers, professors and so on. But I don't do it. I don't know what to ask or how to ask for it. I have no idea how to explain my situation without getting the response of "you should have attended the lectures", and I can't even imagine meeting with them in person. The only thing I could ask for is them doing the whole coursework for me...
Another thing I want to talk about is hobbies and entertainment. I haven't done any sort of hobby in a very long time. I stopped playing my keyboard piano a long while ago and haven't gotten back to it since. My family want to watch some movies together but I keep rejecting. I have a few hobbies that I could do that I haven't touched in a very long time. But I just don't feel like doing any of these and I don't know why because every day that I don't do something interesting I really regret it later. Most of my spare time I just spend playing the same video game over and over even though I feel like I don't even enjoy it anymore. It's a game where I don't progress anything and I have so many other unfinished games that I know I would enjoy more but I just don't feel like playing them. Its like I'm just trying to pass time and I absolutely hate it.
I am literally writing this instead of working on my next assignment that I haven't even started and need it done before friday.
Now I am trying to think of a name for this thread and came across the word Anhedonia which really sounds about like what I'm feeling right now, its caused by loneliness and depression so I guess it could be it...
I am recently having so much trouble with motivation and also enjoying things in general. I can't get myself to start doing (or continue doing) many things like courseworks, hobbies and even everyday chores.
I few weeks ago I had an assignment due that I had a lot of trouble with, I missed many lectures and couldn't concentrate on the few that I did go to. This meant that I was really behind and so I applied for mitigating circumstances to get a bit more time (the therapy sessions that I was waiting for were the evidence to support my claim that I am having mental health struggles) so they gave me an extra two weeks. The problem comes where instead of working for the two weeks I was "working" for two weeks if you know what I mean. I made almost no progress because I couldn't focus so I ended up rushing it in the last two days. And I didn't finish it. Even with an extra two weeks I couldn't finish my assignment! I am so worried about my future in this case, I don't want to mess everything up just because by brain isn't bothered to work when I want it to. I feel so helpless.
I have no idea what even happened for the two weeks because I didn't do most of the things I enjoy because I kept telling myself that I should be "working" on my coursework instead as that is more important, yet I'm still making no progress. I literally accomplished nothing in this time, nothing fun nor productive.
People tell me to ask for help, send emails to your tutor, to your teachers, professors and so on. But I don't do it. I don't know what to ask or how to ask for it. I have no idea how to explain my situation without getting the response of "you should have attended the lectures", and I can't even imagine meeting with them in person. The only thing I could ask for is them doing the whole coursework for me...
Another thing I want to talk about is hobbies and entertainment. I haven't done any sort of hobby in a very long time. I stopped playing my keyboard piano a long while ago and haven't gotten back to it since. My family want to watch some movies together but I keep rejecting. I have a few hobbies that I could do that I haven't touched in a very long time. But I just don't feel like doing any of these and I don't know why because every day that I don't do something interesting I really regret it later. Most of my spare time I just spend playing the same video game over and over even though I feel like I don't even enjoy it anymore. It's a game where I don't progress anything and I have so many other unfinished games that I know I would enjoy more but I just don't feel like playing them. Its like I'm just trying to pass time and I absolutely hate it.
I am literally writing this instead of working on my next assignment that I haven't even started and need it done before friday.
Now I am trying to think of a name for this thread and came across the word Anhedonia which really sounds about like what I'm feeling right now, its caused by loneliness and depression so I guess it could be it...
Believe in me - who believes in you
3
Comments
Honestly this is gonna sound so harsh but the best way I made a difference with my mental health was to literally FORCE myself to be productive and do things. It's really difficult because it's so much easier to be a depressed hopeless lazy zombie but if you wanna make a change in your life you have to try. You have to force yourself, argue with yourself.
Like if I wanna spend the rest of the night reading and writing and playing games and crying rather than sleeping I have to argue with myself and say 'No, what're you gonna get out of that? Nothing. You're just gonna be exhausted tomorrow.'
It honestly is so hard but with my trauma and addiction it helps so much too, you gotta get that side of you which wants to make a change and be happy to be stronger than the side of you which wants to give up. I love playing the piano too and for a long time I didn't touch my piano but you won't start enjoying life unless you really put in all the effort you can.
That being said, support is also really important. Some of the biggest reasons why I'm doing better now than I was a year ago is because I started medication and I (finally) found a decent therapist.
And as for the loneliness and depression, it's still something I also struggle with every day but the pain gets less heavy over time. Stay hopeful, I promise it's gonna be ok and you're gonna be truly happy one day!
Sending hugs
Oh trust me, I argue with myself a lot.
But you're right, I know I have to break myself out of this cycle of misery but I just feel like I have no strength to do it, like it takes too much willpower that I unfortunately don't have right now. Forcing myself to be productive is like telling a depressed person "just don't be depressed". But maybe that's the solution. Instead of crying about it, just knowing that I can change it could be that miracle I'm hoping for. Just that small push and the belief that it will get better and it only depends on me.
My whole situation sounds so stupid to me, for example if I want to play the piano why don't I just go and do it? Why is it so hard for me? I just don't understand myself most of the time. But you sound like you know what you're talking about.
Okay, so I'm gonna try this tomorrow. I WILL do the assignment (at least half of it) in the morning and then I WILL do half an hour of practicing piano. I'll see how that goes.
Thank you again!
If you need to talk about anything I'll be here