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feeling guilty over pet death
ninetales7
Posts: 8 Confirmed not a robot
I live on a farm and we have barn cats. One of them was feral before we adopted him and tamed him. After that he was very friendly and was always on the farm. He died of old age last night, he was 16 which is quite old for a cat that was feral. But i still feel bad. He started acting strange about 2 weeks ago, nothing too abnormal but constantly meowing for food even though he had some, sitting around in strange places, drinking more and no longer trying to avoid the dogs. However, he had always begged for food a lot even when food was constantly available and the other things weren't that alarming. I feel like I should have taken him to the vet though and feel bad about that but im not sure that it would have made much difference.
I also feel bad because a few weeks ago I was getting really annoyed with him. I was feeling stressed out and his meowing was making it a lot worse. I tried to get him to go away but he wouldn't so I just went somewhere else. I should have just spent a bit of time with him. I didn't get to spend much time with him this week because I've been busy, and he only ever came into the house in the kitchen when people were about since he wasn't raised in the house and didn't get along with the dogs. But I did try and show him kindness since I realised he didn't have much time left. Over the last week I was giving him some nice food and last night before I put him out I cuddled him for a bit. I just feel bad because I wish I spent a bit more time with him and didn't get annoyed with him. I'm glad I spent some time with him last night but I doesn't feel like enough when that was the last time he saw anyone. I always find pet death really hard because I have moral OCD so my brain sees it as a really good opportunity to beat myself up.
I also feel bad because a few weeks ago I was getting really annoyed with him. I was feeling stressed out and his meowing was making it a lot worse. I tried to get him to go away but he wouldn't so I just went somewhere else. I should have just spent a bit of time with him. I didn't get to spend much time with him this week because I've been busy, and he only ever came into the house in the kitchen when people were about since he wasn't raised in the house and didn't get along with the dogs. But I did try and show him kindness since I realised he didn't have much time left. Over the last week I was giving him some nice food and last night before I put him out I cuddled him for a bit. I just feel bad because I wish I spent a bit more time with him and didn't get annoyed with him. I'm glad I spent some time with him last night but I doesn't feel like enough when that was the last time he saw anyone. I always find pet death really hard because I have moral OCD so my brain sees it as a really good opportunity to beat myself up.
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Comments
I'm very sorry about your cat, mourning the death of pets can be really hard since we act as their caretakers and, as a consequence, might feel guilty for not doing enough for them when they were alive. It seems like you've been finding it especially hard because of the way your OCD plays into your guilt, that must be very overwhelming and it's great you chose to reach out to the community to share your experiences.
As you mentioned, your cat was already really old and his behaviour might have been interpreted in a lot of other ways. I have cats myself and more than once I have reacted with annoyance and shooed them away when i was tired, anxious, or simply wasn't in the mood to interact with them and I understand the guilt one might feel afterwards. However, pets learn to trust us through repeated positive interactions, and a couple of negative ones do not alter the bonds we share. Even if you chased him away your cat knew he could trust you and that you loved him, and that's why he came back to cuddle with you. If you had made him feel unsafe or unwanted, he wouldn't have come back to you to receive affection. You didn't know he was sick and you did everything you could given the situation, the fact that you're thinking about what you could have done different shows that you did and do care about him.
I know it must be very overwhelming and you said you have trouble processing it but the important thing is to give yourself time to heal and grieve properly. It's great he had such an important role on your life and that he had an owner who loved him. It's very positive you're taking some time at the end of day to feel all these emotions and that you're sharing them with others