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Losing faith/hope in a future with my partner
Mookey
Posts: 1 Just got here
This is my first post like this on any site. i am totally alien to this so i apologise if i get anything wrong.
To give some context, me and my girlfriend just had our 3 year anniversary and she has been everything to me since the day i met her. that being said, the more i stop and think about our relationship the more i realise things have changed. Most of them for the worse,
I am committed to my relationship, I am honest, kind, loyal and I make time for her. it's what i signed up for when i asked her out. But i have recently felt a disconnect with her. the last couple of months have been painful at best. To save oversharing i will keep it short but I don't have the most ideal home life and i am currently struggling with my A-levels. So my relationship with my grilfriend and friends has been my good thing. something i can look forward to and something to keep me going. I wouldn't call myself needy or dependant, We are both young adults who have lives and responsibilites and I understand that as well as i can. But I think i deserve more?
We spent the bulk of our relationship in lock-down and that took its toll on us very early on but we made it through it, going back to school together was amazing, i could see her at lunch and when we had frees together, life was good. But a couple of months ago, leading up to christmas i felt a shift, nothing serious but something that made me stop and think now and then. i felt like the momentum was slowing. we spent less time together in school and went from spending the weekends togther to facetime, and then facetime became texting and texting became a goodmorning message and a goodnight message. it was like i was losing my girlfriend in slow motion. i would bring it up every now and then, which would be swiftly followed by a "i'm busy with school" or "I have this exam to do, Once it's done ill be free again". to put it bluntly, that exam has come and gone, and my girlfriend has gone with it. whatever deadline it seems to be, shes just living dealine to deadline and I feel like I no longer fit into her puzzle.
I'm not a particularly demanding partner and i am by no means good at managing my time but night or day she could message me and i will respond. I can't say the same for her, texting has become a sequence of me probing her with questions about her day and trying to respond to one word answers with long response times. I just dont know who she is anymore.
my friends tell me to break up with her, But honestly, i can't imagine life without her. She has been my best friend for the best part of 3 years. And I can't say goodbye to that. But she isn't the girl i fell in love with 3 years ago. Maybe i havent adapted to her growing up or maybe i'm stuck in 2020 but whatever the reason is, I'm dating a different person and I don't love her. She isn't who i fell in love with but I don't know what to do.
Any advice or help would mean the world to me, thank you for taking the time to read this
To give some context, me and my girlfriend just had our 3 year anniversary and she has been everything to me since the day i met her. that being said, the more i stop and think about our relationship the more i realise things have changed. Most of them for the worse,
I am committed to my relationship, I am honest, kind, loyal and I make time for her. it's what i signed up for when i asked her out. But i have recently felt a disconnect with her. the last couple of months have been painful at best. To save oversharing i will keep it short but I don't have the most ideal home life and i am currently struggling with my A-levels. So my relationship with my grilfriend and friends has been my good thing. something i can look forward to and something to keep me going. I wouldn't call myself needy or dependant, We are both young adults who have lives and responsibilites and I understand that as well as i can. But I think i deserve more?
We spent the bulk of our relationship in lock-down and that took its toll on us very early on but we made it through it, going back to school together was amazing, i could see her at lunch and when we had frees together, life was good. But a couple of months ago, leading up to christmas i felt a shift, nothing serious but something that made me stop and think now and then. i felt like the momentum was slowing. we spent less time together in school and went from spending the weekends togther to facetime, and then facetime became texting and texting became a goodmorning message and a goodnight message. it was like i was losing my girlfriend in slow motion. i would bring it up every now and then, which would be swiftly followed by a "i'm busy with school" or "I have this exam to do, Once it's done ill be free again". to put it bluntly, that exam has come and gone, and my girlfriend has gone with it. whatever deadline it seems to be, shes just living dealine to deadline and I feel like I no longer fit into her puzzle.
I'm not a particularly demanding partner and i am by no means good at managing my time but night or day she could message me and i will respond. I can't say the same for her, texting has become a sequence of me probing her with questions about her day and trying to respond to one word answers with long response times. I just dont know who she is anymore.
my friends tell me to break up with her, But honestly, i can't imagine life without her. She has been my best friend for the best part of 3 years. And I can't say goodbye to that. But she isn't the girl i fell in love with 3 years ago. Maybe i havent adapted to her growing up or maybe i'm stuck in 2020 but whatever the reason is, I'm dating a different person and I don't love her. She isn't who i fell in love with but I don't know what to do.
Any advice or help would mean the world to me, thank you for taking the time to read this
2
Comments
Firstly well done for posting, it takes a lot of bravery to post and I am sure everyone has felt the same nerves and anticipation you have felt posting this, I know I did!
I can say that my best advice, as I am sure anyone else's would be, would be to try and speak with your partner about how you are feeling. Finding time to communicate when you both have busy schedules can be tough, but it is necessary. But it is important you communicate how you are feeling with your partner as your feelings are so important. And so are hers. Do you know if she feels a similar way to you? Finding out how she feels will definitely help you figure out why she is acting the way she is.
In my personal experiences a shift in behaviour can be down to a number of things; stress, anxiety, nerves for deadlines, bad influences from others, anything could be a factor, which is why I iterate what I said about communicating. It is vital for a successful relationship.
Tell her how you feel and why, ask her how she feels and why, ask what has changed and any other questions you have. And once you are more clear about this, then you will have more clarity about the relationship as a whole.
I hope you are alright and I hope you can sort things with your partner, all the best
Have you tried having an honest and open conversation with her about how you're feeling? It might be helpful to tell her that you're feeling disconnected and that you miss the closeness you used to have. Try to approach the conversation in a non-accusatory way, and let her know that you understand that she's busy with school and other responsibilities.
It's possible that your girlfriend is not aware of how you're feeling and that she's been unintentionally pulling away from you. By having an honest conversation, you might be able to come up with a plan to reconnect and strengthen your relationship.
If you're not comfortable talking to your girlfriend directly, you could also try speaking with a trusted friend or family member. Sometimes getting an outside perspective can help you see the situation more clearly and give you the guidance you need to make the best decision for yourself.
Remember, it's important to prioritize your own needs and happiness in any relationship. Whatever you decide, know that you deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your relationships.
Welcome to The Mix, it's really great to have you here. Also, there's no need to apologise about anything you say, we are here to support!
Your post really resonates with me. I was in a relationship for 4 years, but we got together during A levels. He smoked a lot of weed, played a lot of video games, and I lost him to that basically. He would bail on me a lot so he could play video games with his friends, sometimes I would go round and be waiting for him for hours whilst he was playing video games and getting high. I always suggested going for walks or dinner or just anything but he never wanted to. I wanted to be noticed, appreciated and valued. I did that for the whole last year of our relationship because I loved him and wanted to be with him. In the end, love wasn't enough for me because I knew I deserved to be seen. I would say to you the importance of communicating your truth, but I tried to speak to him so many times but he never wanted to have that chat because I guess he was just comfortable being ignorant. When I broke up with him, he asked me for a second chance, which I did, but it continued in the same way, so I gave up I guess. I regretted it after, because I loved him so much still, and I still desperately wanted to be with him, I just knew I couldn't continue being unhappy and I owed myself more. He then got another girlfriend, which was really tough. It took me about 3 years to get over him, a lot of work on myself, it was incredibly painful, I won't sugar coat it to anyone, my heart was completely broken. But now, I feel the most connected to myself and content with myself I've ever felt.
It's hard to be giving your all to someone who isn't giving it back, and like you said, texting her back and trying to reply to one word answers. It's not healthy for you to be putting your heart into something that isn't reciprocated, it's not fair and you deserve to be getting the love and effort that you are giving out. I would also say, your friends can give advice because they care about you, but you can't do anything unless you're ready to within yourself, so don't feel pressured necessarily by them. You say maybe you haven't adapted to her but maybe she hasn't adapted to you, or maybe you've both grown in separate ways, which is okay, I guess it's just about recognising how much longer you are able to continue if you aren't feeling fulfilled.
Try to have that conversation with her because she deserves to be given the opportunity to prove to you that she does love and appreciate you, and then go from there. But ultimately, you deserve to be seen.
Take care
I would say that communication is key in any type of relationship that you have, if you are feeling this way then share these feelings with your girlfriend, this will allow you to get these worries off your chest and help you to move forward with your relationship. Provide her with an opportunity to explain herself, it may be something small but talking about it will bring more understanding.
Take care of yourself