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Big brain fart
Salix_alba_2019
Deactivated Posts: 1,646 Extreme Poster
Heads up, this is a long ass read. I just needed to offload please don't feel pressure to reply. I really am greatful for this The Mix. It's been so beneficial having a place to offload, be heard and share laughter with.
I had a big girl cry to my best friend the other day. I never let my friends know when shit hits the fan but they're starting to suspect that something's up and it's been making me feel worse that I can't hide it.
I've been irritable and erratic. I've been paranoid and scared thinking every police car or ambulance is out to get me. I'm up and down, up and down again but the good thing is that I feel like I'm through the worst of it but then something triggers the episode of agitation and I'm back to square one. I was getting ready and praying that I wouldn't bump into my mum whilst pacing and agitated. I even snapped at her yesterday it's not like me to behave like this. She told me she was in pain (she has chronic pain) and said something awful to her about her always having something wrong and she went quiet and that's when I realised I fucked up. I lost my dad a few years ago and I'm so scared it will be her soon, I don't want her to be sick and she doesn't seem to be getting better. This is exactly how I felt the run-up to my dad passing away. I have a feeling and I've not said it to anyone because I'm scared and I don't want it to be true.
When I'm around my mum I absorb her energy. She's experienced a lot of trauma so she comes across as very intense and unbearable at times. I suspect mum has BPD and PTSD on top of the GAD and depression which explains it all really Recently she's been looking at me funny and it feels like there's an elephant in the room. She knows I'm not okay and I feel bad that she has to deal with me as a lone. I don't want to make her worry or stress more than she needs to but the bad thoughts are bigger than guilt. At the very core, I still feel like self-harming and walking a very fine line.
The lady who left a message on the phone sounded really concerned but I can't bring myself to call the MH Service back. They don't care anyway, I'm out of their catchment area so I'm not their responsibility anymore.
Talking with my best friend was really helpful. I've known her for almost 10 years and it makes me cry at the fact that she still considers me to be her best friend. Her job requires her to deal with complex cases and families so she has the enhanced gift of having hard conversations. She made me realise that the MH services really are in a hot mess and right now they need to think about the best allocation of their resources, and in at that moment, it wasn't me. But it's not to say that I wasn't let down because I was in the way that they dealt with me.
I have closure now and I'm eating better again. I'm getting there slowly and that's all that matters.
I had a big girl cry to my best friend the other day. I never let my friends know when shit hits the fan but they're starting to suspect that something's up and it's been making me feel worse that I can't hide it.
I've been irritable and erratic. I've been paranoid and scared thinking every police car or ambulance is out to get me. I'm up and down, up and down again but the good thing is that I feel like I'm through the worst of it but then something triggers the episode of agitation and I'm back to square one. I was getting ready and praying that I wouldn't bump into my mum whilst pacing and agitated. I even snapped at her yesterday it's not like me to behave like this. She told me she was in pain (she has chronic pain) and said something awful to her about her always having something wrong and she went quiet and that's when I realised I fucked up. I lost my dad a few years ago and I'm so scared it will be her soon, I don't want her to be sick and she doesn't seem to be getting better. This is exactly how I felt the run-up to my dad passing away. I have a feeling and I've not said it to anyone because I'm scared and I don't want it to be true.
When I'm around my mum I absorb her energy. She's experienced a lot of trauma so she comes across as very intense and unbearable at times. I suspect mum has BPD and PTSD on top of the GAD and depression which explains it all really Recently she's been looking at me funny and it feels like there's an elephant in the room. She knows I'm not okay and I feel bad that she has to deal with me as a lone. I don't want to make her worry or stress more than she needs to but the bad thoughts are bigger than guilt. At the very core, I still feel like self-harming and walking a very fine line.
The lady who left a message on the phone sounded really concerned but I can't bring myself to call the MH Service back. They don't care anyway, I'm out of their catchment area so I'm not their responsibility anymore.
Talking with my best friend was really helpful. I've known her for almost 10 years and it makes me cry at the fact that she still considers me to be her best friend. Her job requires her to deal with complex cases and families so she has the enhanced gift of having hard conversations. She made me realise that the MH services really are in a hot mess and right now they need to think about the best allocation of their resources, and in at that moment, it wasn't me. But it's not to say that I wasn't let down because I was in the way that they dealt with me.
I have closure now and I'm eating better again. I'm getting there slowly and that's all that matters.
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Comments
Firstly can i just say how happy and proud of you i am that youre talking to us. Of course i wish you werent struggling so much, but we are here for you. I know its not easy to open up salix but im really glad you have
Im also really glad you opened up to your friend. You deserve kindess and support salix
But i also understand how sad it can feel to feel like you cant hide anymore, to feel out of control. And i know you wont believe me but youre an incredible person, and struggling does not change that. It sucks that youre struggling so much but its ok salix. You dont need to feel guilt for struggling, this is no more your fault than a broken arm. You dont have to hide, its nothing to be ashamed of.
I completely understand if its out of the question. But how would you feel about sharing some of this with your mum? Sometimes people can sense when theyre being left in the dark and they just want to help. Someone told me once that if we're keeping so many secrets people cant help fully, Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is give them the opportunity to help.
Ah salix sending more hugs, im sending all the hugs. Is there anything that helps as a distraction? Or something that helps to let put some of this energy? Ive found fidget toys and stressballs helpful and long showers.
Youre very right about them being under strain. But you deserved for them to handle your situation with kindness and care. Im sorry about how it abruptly ended.
If they sounded concerned then maybe they do want to help salix. You may not be there responsibility but you still deserve support,perhaps if you returned their call even if they cant give you direct help they be able to give you some advice.
Im sorry this wasnt very helpful advice. I just wanted to say all your help and kindness has meant alot to me. And i see you and i hear how much everything hurts right now, and we are here for you salix. Im always happy to listen.
Awww thank you! I guess talking isn't so bad after all ;p
My best friend is literally the most understanding and level-headed person. She told me that we could go through the ugly together and my god did it make me sob. She's been assigned the mum friend her whole life and I'm worried that I'll contribute to that but at the same time, I know that she would tell me in the best way possible to seek professional support if that was the case.
That's exactly what my best friend said too. I reckon I would still feel guilty if I had broken my arm, knowing how much my mum worries I try my hardest to protect her.
I really needed to hear this, honestly thank you
I would probably need multiple drafts and be vague because I don't think she has the emotional capacity right now. It's tricky because she's very religious and she once said something to me when I was diagnosed with Bipolar at the time and I never forgot it. after that, I vowed that I would never talk to her about my MH problems and I think she resents me for that. Every one of my siblings has had the end of the stick of my mum's extreme moods and for the longest time it was me, so I never developed an emotional bond with her because it was never safe to.
That's true and honestly, I think that my hurt got in the way of making sensible decisions. I'm more stable now so I could try giving them a call tomorrow, I just hope that it doesn't reignite my crisis from being reminded that I was rejected by them lol. You know in DBT if you asked to repair the relationship if you did something that damages it, I hope that's what the MH service does when I call them tomorrow, it would help me feel better about the situation even though I'm already over it lol.
Awwwwww you're gonna make me cry waaaah ! You have no idea how much you've helped me in this thread! You're a great person too and I hope that you never forget how loved and appreciated you are here in the community, we've got your back too x
How are you feeling today?
I know its really difficult to not feel guilty when reaching out. But its like you said she knows her own boundaries and im sure shes happy to help. Many people take comfort in helping, some people enjoy the mum role. And youre clearly very considerate of her and her feelings. And i know if rolls were reversed youd be there for her.
Thats really good salix. And if you ever need any help or more distractions we're here. I know i find sometimes things stop working for me after a while but this place has helped me find so many new distractions. Id be happy to return the favour any time.
Im really sorry to hear about how things with your mum are complicated. What about your siblings, would you feel comfortable talking to them. I understand that telling those close to you is really difficult. And eventhough you feel like its the right thing to keep it from them it can feel very lonely and suffocating, we are always here if you ever need to vent. Even if its just to say " im sad ", thats perfectly ok.
We love you salix and we are here for you
Thank you so much for sharing with us. It's so nice to hear that The Mix has been beneficial to you and a source of support. We are here when you need to offload those big brain farts!!
It sounds like you have a beautiful relationship with your friend. I get the feeling of not wanting to contribute or be a burden to her but she wants to support you and she sounds very honest so I agree with you, she would advise you on the best possible route or if you needed professional support. Your friendship with her sounds really lovely
With the self harm, are you able to share what kind of techniques help you? The distraction sheet sounds great and I'm glad you're getting use out of it. Have you heard of the app Calm Harm? They have different exercises and activities to help distract from self harm. Things like holding ice cubes and flicking an elastic band can also help.
It's great to hear you're eating better again, and getting there slowly because that's still a huge achievement!
Take care