Queries About Talking and Human Interaction

JJLemon18

Hi. I have a few queries about talking/messaging with people, over time I might add more and if anyone also has any queries then feel free to add them here.

My first question is how do I reply to people without sounding repetitive?
For example, I was recently writing with someone who was telling me a lot about what they are doing, what their day looks like etc. But most of my responses sounded like "oh thats cool", "oh thats interesting", "oh thats funny". I want to sound like I actually care about what they're telling me but I can't figure out how to respond most of the time.

Another query. Is it okay to steer a conversation in a way that you can tell the other person you have social anxiety?
My anxiety is obvious, I am worried that if I sound too confident and hide my anxiety while messaging then people might get a fake impression of what I'm like and it will be super awkward once we do meet.
About meeting people face to face, do I make my anxiety obvious? I don't mean like meeting someone and immediately saying "Hi I'm Jakub, I have social anxiety!" but slowly letting the other person know about it. That way once a situation does get awkward its not as bad.
But on the other hand telling people too much about my problems and feelings I might end up looking weird and people will just avoid me. Recently I was talking with one of my friends about what we do in our spare time, during the conversation I mentioned that I probably have depression. He replied with "no you're just lazy", till now I have no idea what to think about it.

Final query for now. How do I meet new people?
I mentioned in another post that I have recently joined a society and the time is coming for me to be part of some get-together meeting (something like bowling for example). I am really worried about talking with someone new. I'm the worst at small talk, how do I start a conversation or at least prevent a heart attack in the case that someone else starts a conversation with me. How do I interact with others? I just can't help but stress out about what people think about me. When I catch eye contact with someone my anxiety just explodes, I immediately forget about what I was thinking/doing. I am incredibly self conscious and more often than not I have no clue where to put my hands or where to look.

That's about it for now. I can feel more questions coming so I will write them here once I feel the need for it.

And again, if anyone has any questions then please do post them here, this isn't just about me. I hope others can also benefit from this thread.

Sending Hugs!

Amy22

Hi @JJLemon18 I hear you out on this as I too feel like I can associate myself with this. I hear that you are struggling with meeting new people and feel like when you reply to messages you are being repetitive. There is nothing wrong with being repetitive, as I too struggle with responding back to messages. I also noticed how you mentioned about your social anxiety and that you struggle with eye contact too. I'd say that it is totally okay to have social anxiety, there is nothing wrong about having it. I understand that it can be hard dealing with especially when you are amongst lots of people whether this be online or in real life. Sometimes it is good to explain about your social anxiety. I know it sounds quite hard but sometimes just letting the other person know can be helpful for them to understand you better. This then can make the anxiety of talking to others less stressful. I'd also say that with eye contact, you don't have to make eye contact a lot with people. I too find eye contact hard to do especially when in a group. What I tend to is focus on their nose or a facial feature which isnt the eyes. It might sound odd, but it does work sometimes as it will give the effect of eye contact but not in a way where you are looking in someones eyes.

I also noticed that you have recently joined a society. I think that it is great that you have decided to join a society as this is a great way of meeting new people and also talking to like - minded people. Sometimes when meeting new people it can be a scary and anxious feeling in itself especially when you only just getting to know the people in a group. I remember my first day of college was like and I felt very awkward and very shy. But feeling shy is totally a natural thing. I bet that there a lot of other people who feel the same way too. I'd say one way of meeting new people or making friends, is finding out what their interests are. It can even be just asking them 'how was your day?', or asking if they have a favourite TV show or film. Sometimes when we talk about an interest it can create a conversation and you can find similar things in common. Sometimes you don't have to feel like talking to people, just asking people if they are okay or they day was okay can be a starting place too. I hear that you are very self conscious about what other people think about you. The main thing is that you are uniquely yourself and feel relaxed, as it can help to ease the nerve of socialising.

I will be honest I know exactly what you are going through at the moment as I felt in the exact same place. It does take a while when meeting new people but as long as you are yourself and feel comfortable around the people you are with, then the stress will slowly be lifted.

I don't know if my advice was helpful, but I hope it helps in some way. I am always here for you if you want to talk more about socialising or meeting new people.

Sending hugs,

Amy22

JJLemon18

Hi @Amy22 Thank you so much for your reply!
I know some of the questions may sound stupid or obvious but I'm glad I'm not alone.

Amy22 wrote: »

I hear that you are struggling with meeting new people and feel like when you reply to messages you are being repetitive. There is nothing wrong with being repetitive, as I too struggle with responding back to messages.

Here's the thing, I now know if I'm writing to you for example, I don't need to worry about being repetitive because I know you will understand, but other people I'm not too sure, I don't go around telling everyone about my problems so not everyone understands. I believe people see my messages (and also what I say irl) as "Oh he sounds like he doesn't even want to talk with me", which is not true.

Amy22 wrote: »

I'd also say that with eye contact, you don't have to make eye contact a lot with people. I too find eye contact hard to do especially when in a group. What I tend to is focus on their nose or a facial feature which isnt the eyes. It might sound odd, but it does work sometimes as it will give the effect of eye contact but not in a way where you are looking in someones eyes.

It's not keeping eye contact that's the problem, I think I've gotten really good at eye contact actually. I used to talk to people while looking at the ground but now I look at the eyes even when they're talking to me, I'm really proud of that. The problem is unexpected eye contact, for example when I realise someone is looking at me and I'm just not prepared for it. I immediately get thoughts like oh no they're looking at me, what do I do, where do I look, do they think I'm weird. Act normal... Then I proceed to act the opposite of normal haha. I know it sounds dumb but I can't help it. I analyse everything and it takes me ages to think of a reply to people or just what to do next in any situation. That is why I prefer messaging because it lets me think about what I want to say to the other person without the worry of saying something wrong.

Small talk is the worst, I can't figure out a way to continue a conversation even if it's about common interests. I'm just not used to talking with people, I stayed away from any social interactions for too long and now it feels like it's too late to fix it. I know if I met someone exactly like me we would get along really well, but then again, I have left this for so long that I doubt anyone just like me exists (and then the odds of actually meeting somehow).

Amy22 wrote: »

The main thing is that you are uniquely yourself and feel relaxed, as it can help to ease the nerve of socialising.

How do I feel relaxed? It is never the case, in fact I feel the opposite of relaxed most of the time.

Sorry if I sound very pessimistic, I'm not usually like that.
Please know that I really appreciate your comment and the advice!

I think I need to stop hiding my emotions and start being more open about what I'm actually feeling, that might be a solution to being more relaxed. And the people that don't understand, that is their problem.

Thank you so much and I hope you are well!
If you too need to talk about something then I'll also be here!

Former Member

Hey @JJLemon18

I struggle a lot with social interactions as well so I understand where you might be coming from with these questions. I second everything @Amy22 wrote but I also want to add some suggestions of my own.

- Your first question is about how to avoid using repetitive expressions/phrases when interacting with people. I assume here that you mean people you don't know well and with whom you have to engage in small talk. I struggle with this as well and feel somewhat anxious when dealing with these sort of situations; what I realised is that often, when dealing with an abnormal amount of stress, it's very easy to overthink and what we say might actually not sound repetitive at all to the person we're talking to. One mistake i did make often was to try to use these phrases as the person was explaining the situation instead of showing interest by looking like I was actively listening and commenting only at the end. It is more difficult to find something to say when the whole story hasn't been told yet so I recommend trying to keep these phrases for the very end and in the meantime try to make a mental note about what you could add to the conversation or, if you don't have anything to add, pick out one interesting or unusual aspect of what the person has been talking about and tell them why you've found it interesting. i understand it is difficult to communicate with people but chances are that if they're telling you about it they're interested in what you think/liked about it in the first place and that also shows that you're appreciating the interaction. What i do in my head in say yes, and... as a way to remember to 1) acknowledge what the person told you (so the phrases you were mentioning) and 2)try to keep the conversation going by adding/pointing out something

-Your second question is about whether or not it is appropriate to mention that you have social anxiety. While some people might still react in a negative way, i think that letting people know about it could be helpful as it would make you feel more seen and at ease and the person might be more aware of your feelings in the moment. You seem to want to build lasting friendships, and i'm sure that the people you'll befriend would benefit a lot from a healthy and open discussion about what your boundaries and anxieties might be around social situations. There is nothing shameful or wrong about having social anxiety and i'm sure that the people you'll want to keep in your life will understand that. I'm sorry your friend reacted in such a dismissing manner when you mentioned that you might be depressed btw, I understand how that might have ha a negative impact.

-Your third question is about how to make new friends. You've mentioned joining a society, which is very positive as finding common ground and interests is a great place to start meeting new people. What i find easier is to meet new people in situations where social interaction is actually not the main aspect of the outing. For example, if i'm thinking of going out with a new potential friend the first thing i'll propose would be to go to the cinema or watch a movie because that leaves me plenty of things to comment on as the film unfolds, it gives me the chance to focus on something else if the social interaction is becoming too overwhelming, gives me plenty of time to collect my thoughts, and most of the time the movie offers new topics to talk about that i would be too anxious to come up with in the first place. I'm explaining this because you mentioned going bowling, I think that you could treat the situation in a similar manner. It's easier to steer the anxiety away if you've got a task you can focus on as well, so maybe thinking about the situation in this way might help you a bit. As Amy22 said, asking things like what's their favourite tv show or book or movie or other general questions like that is perfectly fine and it's a place to start so you can steer the conversation towards different topics

JJLemon18

Hey @genderless_fungi Thank you so much for the advice!
I sure hope I can remember all of this when I meet someone.
There's just a few things I'd like to add.

genderless_fungi wrote: »

I'm sorry your friend reacted in such a dismissing manner when you mentioned that you might be depressed btw, I understand how that might have ha a negative impact.

About that situation. I don't think I took it too negatively, it just gave me a lot to think about. I know I am lazy, so I'm debating whether I am actually depressed, I haven't been diagnosed in any way, I just seem to have most of the symptoms. Or am I just really good at hiding it, that seems to me like a good thing because if people can't see it, they won't think negatively of me so I can feel more confident about myself. Also laziness is a lot easier to fix than depression. Just a thought.

genderless_fungi wrote: »

As Amy22 said, asking things like what's their favourite tv show or book or movie or other general questions like that is perfectly fine and it's a place to start so you can steer the conversation towards different topics

I see you're both suggesting topics like tv shows, books and movies. These seem like very popular topics to discuss about and I agree, my "friends" keep talking about shows and movies. I unfortunately don't watch any tv shows or many movies and I especially don't read books. I feel like I don't fit into most common conversations simply because of the things I'm interested in and the things I don't care about. I'm not saying I don't care about what someone has to say on a specific topic, I'm saying that I wasn't interested in the topic beforehand so I'm lacking information to continue the conversation if you know what I mean. For example, if someone starts talking to me about politics I will listen and will care about what they have to say, I just won't have any idea on how to reply to keep the conversation going simply because I have no experience in politics.
Should I start watching movies just so I have something to talk about with people?

Anyways. I'm sorry this may sound a little hard to read because I'm really tired and should probably go to sleep. I hope I explained everything in a way that's understandable. I tend to get lost in thought in the evening.

I hope you are well!