I have been finding family life tough

Creativeboy23

My brother has been putting me down parts of the winter break and on my first day of university.

He asked my mum why I do not have to move out first. Then, he said everyone skips me all the time, and I get everything taken care of.

He said that I would not know if I get cheated on because of my autism, and he can see in my face that I am angry. He claimed that I will accept it if my friends said it and that a girl will use me because I do not understand money. I have not got around to learning about my money because I am managing different commitments. He argued with my sister and then turned on me, saying if it was my birthday then my mum would make sure I have the best birthday. Then, my mum said something positive about me, and my dad asked so what and what have I got to do with the situation, joining in with my brother. My brother said that my sister is like me and that I cannot let go of things.

This morning, I was going to have a shower, but my brother told me that I am going to have to be quick because he has a driving lesson. So, I let him go first, and he said that he mentioned the driving multiple times and that I did not hear because I got emotional about what he said yesterday. Then, he said that what he said was true and that he is going to express his opinion, and it is not his problem if I am upset about it. His lack of compassion really upset me, and he was bringing up my sensitivity and used it against me. He said that my mum would not tell me that my graphic design was bad would not tell me and something like I am sorry, but I am telling them. He said that not everyone is going to like my work and when my mum wants to express things, she has it kindly say it because of how I take it. This comment made me feel like I am a burden with my sensitivity, which makes me really isolated in the family. He said saying he worries about me in the future and something like, if someone says something to upset me, are you going run home crying to your mum and that I am supposed to be a man. He said that I am going to have to deal with it. Then, he turned on my mum, saying that she has made me like this and that I have feminine traits because I am expressing my emotions as a man. I went to university really affected and shared the situation with my counsellor, which took the weight off my shoulders. However, as soon as I came home from university, my dad gave me evil looks and my brother brought up this morning's situation and my dad got involved. Therefore, I told him that he should not be getting involved because he was not there to witness the situation, and then he acted tough and innocent, saying that I am being cheeky etc. Next, he defended my brother, telling me the same thing he said. I explained to him that my brother just randomly brought up graphic design into the conversation, when it was not relevant and he has mentioned to it in the past. So, he did not say it to be constructive. I was shaking with anger. My brother criticised me for holding in my feelings when he made a toxic masculinity comment, and I have been criticised so many times for my emotions.

sinead276

I'm sorry you've had to go through this @Creativeboy23 - it sounds like your relationship with your brother isn't the easiest at the moment which can be quite challenging to get through.

I just wanted to say that you aren't burdening people with your sensitivity or anything like that - if anything it's good that you can express your emotions with your family and don't feel the need to keep it in all the time. I'm also glad to hear you have support from your university counsellor when you feel you need it. Remember we are all here for you on here as well if you need any more support

Sending lots of hugs and keep doing graphic design (I'm sure you're great at it)
Sinead

JustV

Creativeboy23 wrote:

He said saying he worries about me in the future and something like, if someone says something to upset me, are you going run home crying to your mum and that I am supposed to be a man. He said that I am going to have to deal with it. Then, he turned on my mum, saying that she has made me like this and that I have feminine traits because I am expressing my emotions as a man.

Man, screw this. Heaven forbid you express your emotions and process them in a healthy way, rather than seething over something for 6 months and then punching someone like a 'real' man. You're doing the right thing to have those 'feminine traits' dude - they'll make you happier and you'll have more meaningful relationships than whoever your brother is trying to be.

Honestly though, reading your post, I couldn't help but wonder why your brother cares about all these things? This feels more like a him problem than a you problem. Relentlessly putting someone down or criticising them is something people only tend to do if they feel insecure themselves or they have unmet emotional needs or something.

Creativeboy23 wrote:

Then, he said that what he said was true and that he is going to express his opinion, and it is not his problem if I am upset about it.

I don't know about this, either. It's true that receiving criticism and feedback is part of life, and as long as it's delivered responsibly and fairly, it can be really valuable. But this isn't what your brother is doing - it seems like he's being needlessly critical and unkind, and it's fair to feel upset about that. I'm sure if the situation was reversed he'd change his tune.

Feel what you feel @Creativeboy23 and make no apologies for expressing your emotions or taking life at your own pace. Is it possible for you to move out now or in the future? Getting your own space away from family is a real game changer for issues like this.

Creativeboy23

Hello @Mike and @sinead276.

Thank you both for your support. Well said.

Yes @Mike . I have been planning to get into contact with a housing agency, so I can have my own space, but I have not got around to it yet.