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Do I have to be alive for christmas?

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I hear that you feel like you don't want to be here for Christmas and that you were struggling a lot. I know that you have been dealing with a lot at the moment and that itself can make anyone feel like ending it. You don't have to apologise for these feelings at all, they are completely valid. If you do feel like you are still struggling with your feeling especially with suicidal thoughts, don't hesitate to reach out to the crisis helpline on here. There is also a 1 to 1 chat online too that is also dedicated to this.
I know I may not be able to completely help your situation or make it better somehow, but I would say try to find something that keeps you going everyday even on the days that are tough. I know there will be days when it will be tough and the feeling of wanting to end it all can have its toll. Believe me I know that feeling too sometimes. But there is a reason to keep going. A reason to keep living. Everyone has a purpose in this life. Just wanted to also ask if you don't mind, do you feel safe at the moment?.
Sending hugs,
Amy22 ♥
At least the main thing is that you are safe. But please don't hesitate to reach out if you feel like you are in a crisis.
Do you mind if I ask, is there anything particularly tough or significant for you about Christmas? Or was it more coincidence that you wanted to end your life before then?
Eesh.
I know you said there were some things you couldn't say due to the guidelines, but I get the sense you blame yourself a bit for this, or that you're carrying this around:
If you want to share what the 'worst part' is in a way that doesn't break the guidelines, feel free to, or you can drop @TheMix a PM to find a version that's okay to post.
I also want to gently challenge the idea that your friend's death was your fault. Nobody but the attacker is responsible for what happened to you both. Nobody made him assault you - that was his decision and the results of that decision are his to own. Likewise, if your friend choose to intervene and something happened as a result of that, that's on him - not you.
Maybe it's worth zooming out a bit, as well. When someone ends their life, it tends not to be because of one single thing. I know you said yourself that she was in an abusive household, and there was probably a lot more under the surface that nobody saw or understood.
Grief demands an answer, because it's easier for us to process and understand if there's a simple explanation. When you mix in some of that survivor's guilt, it becomes easy to blame yourself and point to one event that seems to explain why your friend ended her life.
The truth is always more complex. People's lives are complicated and suicide is complicated, and the truth is no single person is responsible. Even with the best will in the world, you weren't in control your friend and you weren't responsible for her actions. She was a person making her own choices, though I know that's difficult to think about when this choice hurts so much.
I feel like I rambled a bit here, but I wanted to respond to your post in full because it must have taken a lot to share it, and because you deserve support.
On a related note: is there anything you like to do on Christmas or New Year's Eve to remember your friend? Or anything that brings you comfort during that time?
More basically: if you go through a traumatic situation with another person and what happens to them is worse than what happened to you, it can make you feel guilty for 'surviving' it when they didn't. I'm not sure if this 100% fits how you feel but it sprung to mind reading your story.
It's good to have you here with us, and you've done a brave thing by sharing how you feel at the moment. It sounds as though things are difficult for you right now.
The festive period is one of mixed emotions for lots of people, and that's totally okay. Would you like to share a little bit more about what's been going on for you and what's making you feel this way, if it's something that you can put your finger on? You've mentioned that you're feeling lonely and struggling with your health in your message. If you'd like to talk about that some more then we're all here for you.
Feel free to either respond to the comment within this thread or, if you'd rather, you could create a thread of your own in this forum to post about these things. Totally your call, but I just wanted to make sure that you knew the option was there!
Lastly, just a little side note to say that you might notice that I've removed a couple of words from your post. It's absolutely okay to talk to us about thoughts of taking your own life, but we encourage people to try to avoid sharing specific details where they can, just to make sure that other people here don't feel worried or triggered. I hope that makes sense, but let me know if not and I can try to explain in a different way
Take care
Harry