Mixed feelings, is it over?

Former Member

Hello everyone,
I am fairly new here, I have only made one discussion so far and received some good advice so I am turning to you again for help.
Me and my partner have our 2 year anniversary coming up on the 6th of December but last night we kind of, sort of, broke up. Which I know does not make a lot of sense, it doesn't make sense to me either. We had a very difficult conversation about how he had been feeling recently, and to cut a long story very short, he said he didn't think he loved me anymore. Which hurt like a bitch, but I say "think" because he didn't seem sure, and he hasn't acted like his love has gone since last night. He stayed at my house and we talked about things and he said he was very confused because as soon as I had left his house earlier that night after the "breakup" he said he missed me and wanted me. Which yes is confusing for me but I have tried to understand as best as I can. My partner has Asperger's, a type of autism that means he has difficulty with social situations and reading his feelings. He has always been upfront about this, and it didn't put me off him because it didn't matter. We have had our struggles over the past 2 years but nothing quite like last night. I know I don't have a place to say how his Asperger's affects him but I know it does a fair bit. He becomes obsessive with tasks, he works and works for hours and hours on projects and sometimes even forgets to eat. He has trouble relaxing, he always needs to be doing something, and his emotions and feelings are a rollercoaster from one hour to the next. He doesn't always realise when he says hurtful things to me (nothing abusive or aggressive or anything, just passing comments like back-handed compliments and little bits really) and this causes some disagreements but nothing too severe. He is the sweetest boy I have ever met and I have truly fallen for him, which makes last nights "breakup" so the much harder to accept.

I guess what I am wanting advice on is what to do now? He continues to message me and ask if I am okay (which is obvious that I am not), he seems to still genuinely care and he has even said he "can't imagine a life without you in it". I am his first girlfriend he has ever properly loved and I know he has loved me because I have felt it. I guess I am wondering if it is possible that his Asperger's can mask certain emotions, or make it difficult to process them? Is it possible that he does love me but just can't always register that feeling as love? Or should that emotion be clear, even with his Asperger's? Is it fair on myself to try and make things work with him, even after he has said his love isn't there? I would fight for him if I thought he still had love for me, is this possible? And does anyone have any experiences similar to mine? Any advice would be so greatly appreciated.
Sorry for the extra long text ❤

Former Member

Hey @Ginge20 it's so nice to hear you had good advice from your last post and felt supported.

Reading this through, I would say the main thing is that you need clarity. Maybe give it some time, discuss boundaries within this time so you are both on the same page, and come back to the conversation again once you both have digested it a little more. Then go from there. What do you think about that? I don't know enough about Asperger's or Autism to be able to answer your questions, but what I would say, is that it is so individual, like majority of things are. Do you think he could get clarity himself for his feelings?

It's not really a similar experience as when I broke up with my partner, we had a lot of issues. But we both were messaging each other in a similar way, because it was so fresh. Sometimes it's so hard to cut that tie straight away like that.

You've asked the question is it fair on yourself to make things work with him, even after he has said his love isn't there. I guess, that is a question you have to ask yourself. Like you said, you have tried your best to understand, and it sounds like you have been so so supportive. Do you think you have the capacity to do that, even if it means your own suffering in the process?

I'd say give yourselves both some time to process this conversation, and where you are both at now. There is no rush, and sometimes we just need to have these honest conversations and even that in itself could be beneficial to your relationship. You just have to remember to look after yourself in the process.

Thanks for sharing, and take care of yourself

Former Member

Thank you @RenP for your kind reply and advice, it has helped!
Unfortunately I think me and my partner have decided to end our relationship. He doesn't feel the same way about me as I do him and it isn't fair on either of us to pretend he does. It's been a massive shock to the system and I am trying to move on but it's hard. We have had discussions and he has clarified I have not damaged the relationship in any way and that he still cares about, just not love. Which I cannot force I suppose.

Thank you again for your advice, I do appreciate you taking time out of your day to help me.❤

Former Member

@Ginge20

I'm so sorry to hear that. Break ups can be devastating, and I don't think people realise how hard they can be sometimes. How are you feeling now?

You have expressed how it has been a massive shock to the system, and also that you are trying to move on, but I think it would be good to process that shock before trying to move on. Of course, there is no should or shouldn't, right or wrong when it comes to your emotions, but maybe, if you are pushing yourself to get over him before you are ready or before it has actually sunk in that this is real, may be damaging to you - how do you feel about me saying that?

Are there things you can do to look after yourself? Like a little self-care list or something?

Just remember there are no time frames for these things, try not to put pressure on yourself to get over him in a certain amount of time. And be gentle with yourself.

My breakup was the most difficult time in my life, so any support I can give to you I will. Thing is, people can give all sorts of advice about their experience but ultimately, this is such an individual thing. Just know that if you want to talk about it, we are here

Former Member

@Ginge20

Just checking in with you. How are you doing recently?

xx

Former Member

Hi @RenP

Apologies for the delay in replying, I took a break from most social media over Christmas break.

I am doing much better, things are much better than I thought they would be. Losing someone is always hard but never impossible to get over I think. I am certain this year will be better.

Thank you so much for checking in, you truly are a lovely person 💕

I hope things are alright with you too 💕

Former Member

Hi @Ginge20

I am so pleased to see that you're feeling much better. Navigating times like these can be exhausting, but it seems as if you're starting to reach a turning point and are able to enjoy the relief that you deserve. It's great to see that you have such a positive mindset, hope is a priceless virtue. Nevertheless, please do not hesitate to reach out again if you find yourself in a bit of a low point. Healing isn't always linear and some days are harder than others.

Take care.

Former Member

Hey @Ginge20

Really good to hear back from you and hear that you are doing better. The break from social media probably helped - I deleted my Instagram a couple months ago and it's had a really positive effect on me.

Hearing that you are certain this year will be better is such a positive outlook!! I guess it's quite significant the start of a new year, what things you leave behind and what things you take with you. It can be sad but enlightening at the same time. I guess you can really focus on yourself

Really glad you're doing better, and like el_rose said, don't hesitate to reach out again when times get tough.

Take care