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In this moment(TW: depression and body image; weight discussed)
mk1881
Posts: 131 The Mix Convert
I'm not going to waste time with an introduction. I feel lost right now. My emotions fluctuate so quickly. The only possible context you may need is that I'm on my period and that Thomas comes back on Wednesday so I'll see him Thursday. After waiting two weeks, three days seems like forever. I want to hold him and be held. I want to be reminded of the feeling that I belong. I've lost some weight but then gained some and dropped it again. I'm obsessed with the idea of losing weight again. I got my phone taken which sucks because I've become dependent on calling Thomas. I know I shouldn't be and I'm trying to not be. I have counseling tomorrow so that's good. But in this moment, I feel broken. I'm really tired. Not of life or anything angsty. But tired of feeling a little lost. I'm tired all the time. I only get out of bed most days to workout and shower, then I come back to talk on the phone to my friends. I reside between spaces. Not quite moving completely forward or back. I miss him. Holy hell I miss him. Even the prospect right now makes my heart flutter. We facetimed while I was closing at work and that made me really happy. His smile is one of the most beautiful things, this world has to offer. Even if I'm not the one to make him smile, I enjoy it nonetheless. I was working on a song for him, but I can't think of the right words to say. I can't wait to run into his arms again. He's my best friend.
[mentions of weight edited by moderator]
[mentions of weight edited by moderator]
"But our lives will only ever always Continue to be A balancing act That has less to do with pain And more to do with beauty." -Shane Koyczan
Post edited by TheMix on
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Comments
Sorry to hear you are feeling lost, it sounds like you are going through a difficult time. We are here for you, and you have done really well sharing what is going on for you. This is a safe space and a supportive place.
Do you want to share more about Thomas? it sounds like he is a very important person in your life.
You mentioned that you have counselling, how is that support going for you?
Sending hugs
"Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"
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Thanks for your response. I'm doing better now today. Alot of me feelings are in the moment and sometimes they consume me. I try to step back and focus on the realities of my emotions and where they came from and what I can do about it. I do still feel lost but simply because I'm aware that I'm one singular person that billions of people in the world don't know and won't know; a pretty harrowing thought if you ask me. I feel like I talk about Thomas all the time haha. I have people addiction, which isn't in the psychologists handbook but it's coming up more in psychological circles. I attach really quickly or not at all. At first I didn't like Thomas at all. It took a while but I came around. I've grown to care for him deeply and enjoy his company. He comes back today and I'll see him tomorrow. The simply joy of seeing him tomorrow, something so mundane, makes me feel real again. I don't know. My counseling is going well I guess. We paused on going through my legal stuff about my adoption but I have some certain behaviors that we're working on first. Thank you and wishing you a great day.
Regulating and navigating emotions can be truly challenging and overwhelming at times, it makes sense that you sometimes feel suffocated by their intensity. It's great to see that you've been able to reach out for support for some relief. It takes strength to show vulnerability like this, I appreciate your honesty. Within the context of these tough feelings, it's understandable that you feel as if you fixate upon Thomas, he seems to be a safe haven from things that are hard to process. I can see why you yearn for his company.
Though it is fantastic to be enjoying a fulfilling relationship, it's important to keep some balance with other aspects of your life also. May I ask what else you find enjoyment in? This could be time with friends, animals, playing sport etc. Perhaps you could invest some time in activities like these.
I'm glad to see you have been able to access counselling, this is a great tool to help with making things a bit more bearable. I see that you have mentioned an obsession with losing weight. Have you been able to explore your struggles around eating and your feelings regarding Thomas with your counsellor? You are deserving of receiving support and care.
Below I will attach some links to support regarding body image/eating if you'd like to take a look:
Beat
0808 801 0677 (England)
0808 801 0433 (Wales)
beateatingdisorders.org.uk
Offers information and advice on eating disorders, and runs a supportive online community. Also provides a directory of support services at HelpFinder.
Anorexia and Bulimia Care (ABC)
03000 11 12 13
anorexiabulimiacare.org.uk
Advice and support for anyone affected by eating problems.
Remember, we are here by your side through this. It can feel so isolating at times when we experience difficulties like these, but by relying on our social networks and coping mechanisms, we can push through until things start to get easier.
Take care.