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hi!

kxnshjdvhkxnshjdvh Posts: 1 Just got here
edited October 2022 in Health & Wellbeing
hello
I can't sleep and it's my first post so please forgive any messiness :)

I don't communicate my problems with anyone, and figured this was probably anonymous enough to where I won't care too much with sharing a bit.

I am early twenties, in college, no job. I live alone and rely on benefits, but I'm doing fine financially. I have Asperger's and can struggle to communicate, especially verbally.

For a teensy bit of background, my time in school was very isolated after the transition to year 6 and beyond. I'd try to go to some lessons, but ultimately stayed cooped up in the unit that the school had for SEN students. I managed to get maths and science GCSEs, then failed to transition into a sixth form specifically for SEN students.
After that, I was NEET for about two years, then spent a year doing foundation and got my English GCSE, another year doing a level 2 course, and I've recently started year 1 of 2 for a T level.

What really made me decide to somewhat impulsively sign up and post was that I was lying in bed and felt ashamed. I don't know what in particular I felt ashamed about, but my working theory is that I feel I have squandered many opportunities and continue to do so.

My college schedule fills up 3 days. I'm probably at my happiest in college, because I usually have something to do. However, I still feel like I'm not doing enough. This feeling is more intense when I'm not occupied in college (obviously).

My anxiety around reaching out in any meaningful way severely limits my options in regards to finding some good use of my time. I'd have no idea where to begin in terms of volunteering or anything, and even if I did I doubt I would have the guts to actually show up somewhere and say hi to a real human (let alone multiple!)

I feel that I have wasted much time and potential and that I feel unable to properly course correct when I am unable to ask for help.
I do not have friends, and any person capable of offering support cannot effectively do so because I do not offer any actionable information regarding my issues. I do not talk about myself. I am very uncomfortable talking about myself, and I suspect this is related to the shame I feel.

I can function normally enough to be able to feed myself, but anything outside of college that requires interacting with people is essentially a no go. I loathe asking for help, and my issues are usually not made known until I cannot do something due to them. When I cannot do something, if it is not that important I'll just never do it, but if it's important I'll 'shut down' (I stop responding entirely) until whatever situation is over.

I get frustrated with myself for wasting years on doing nothing, and failing to make effective use of my time now. I'm (in theory) capable of so much more but I can't seem to find ways to overcome the anxieties of interacting with people. I feel that has held me back a lot and it leads to self deprecation.

I can't seem to identify anything I'm truly passionate about. I'm just studying because it's the path of least resistance and I think I'm in an area I seem to have a knack for. This lack of passion leaves me very uncertain about my future (especially when AI seems like it'll be capable of automating a huge chunk of jobs!)

I can't seem to find a path forward that I can realistically take that isn't simply keeping my head down and dealing with it like I have always done. I think along with the social anxiety, the shame I feel at what situation I have brought myself into leaves me feeling unable to ever ask for help.

I'd list some cool facts about me so I could make friends or something but I'm tired and I want to see if venting will help me sleep
You can get a medal or something if you actually read all that because I don't want to proofread it because it's about me
actually I really don't want to post this but I'm doing it anyway cause I'll be annoyed at myself if I don't<3
Post edited by Aife on

Comments

  • HarryTHarryT Community Manager Posts: 320 The Mix Regular
    Hello @kxnshjdvh ,

    Welcome to The Mix, and thank you for getting in touch to share this with us. You've done a really brave thing by seeking support and a space to vent.

    You're absolutely right that one of the benefits of our community is that you can remain anonymous if you choose. This is a judgement free space where you can seek support from your peers.

    I'm hearing that you're feeling frustrated about your lack of sense of direction, purpose and passion at the moment, and that you are hoping venting would be helpful for you.

    How are you feeling about this morning? If you'd like to talk to us further then you can post up a thread in one of our forums about how you're feeling.

    Take care and speak soon,
    Harry
    Hello amazing human (yes, that's YOU). I wish that you could see the amazing person who I see within you  ✨
  • sinead276sinead276 Posts: 951 Part of The Mix Family
    Hi and welcome to the mix - hope your feeling better today :3

    Sending hugs,
    Sinead
  • RenPRenP Posts: 203 Trailblazer
    Hey @kxnshjdvh

    Firstly, welcome to The Mix! Secondly, thank you so much for sharing this with us, it's super brave, and like you said, it can be anonymous, which I'm sure makes it easier for a lot of people. This is a safe space, and we are all here to support each other. Hopefully remaining anonymous can help you release things you would usually find hard to express. You say you struggle to communicate - how did you feel during and after writing this?

    I find it hard to communicate verbally also, so pen to paper has been a huge form of release for me. There are many ways of communication that are non-verbal. The fact you have been able to communicate with us through your post is amazing and I hope it helped you! Maybe, you could learn BSL? You could do virtual volunteering if the idea of physically going in is too daunting? Do you think you would try therapy for your social anxiety? This could be Art/Music/Movement/Play Therapies.

    I noticed that you have brought up the word shame/ashamed 3 times, so this seems like a big emotion in your life. How do you feel about doing a writing exercise and maybe writing 'shame' in the middle of a mind map, and noting down where it stems from, how it makes you feel, times when it is intensified etc? It could be a good way to gain some insight into yourself if, subconsciously, one thing leads to another, and maybe a good starting point in trying to alleviate shame and in turn start to feel pride. One thing I noticed in your post was that you mentioned you are capable of so much more, you just cannot seem to overcome the anxieties of interacting with people which has held you back. This is a really positive thing to say about yourself, because it is showing that deep down there is a belief in yourself and your capability. It's just taking one step at a time and being patient with yourself, and writing your post is a huge positive step.

    Did you feel supported at school when you were there?

    Did the venting help you get off to sleep?

    No pressure to answer any of my questions by the way if you don't feel comfortable to.

    Take care and thank you again for sharing, I hope that you can keep on using this platform to vent when you need <3

    P.S. I'm sure we would all really like to hear some facts about you!!
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