Seeking an Older Partner with Complications

Former Member

Hey y'all! So I'll give some background. I'm completely new to this space but it seems very comforting and affective for others so I thought I should give it a try. For starters I'm 16 and this guy I've recently started seeing is 21.. I know it's not the most advisable thing. I've known him for a few months and we used to work together, until he recently quit to coach highschool basketball. He's never ever made me uncomfortable and he's very patient and understanding. I've been told throughout my life that I'm more mature for my age and I even look more mature. I really like him and he listens to everything I have to say without judgement and he's really sweet and sincere. But I'm not sure if it's okay to pursue our relationship. We were hanging out with our mutual bestfriend and I made them lunch. Then the aforementioned friend left to pick up his girlfriend, then we were left alone. We started cuddling and I made out with him. After a few weeks of talking he wants to take me on a date, but I'm not sure if I should pursue it.. any thoughts?

Former Member

Hey @mk1881 ,

First things first, welcome aboard! It's great to have you with us

I'm hearing that you've started a relationships with someone who is a few years older than you, and that you admire lots of his qualities and behaviours but that you're unsure if it is okay for you to continue to pursue the relaionship going forwards. I can hear how that would be quite a confusing situation for you to be in. You've done really well by reaching out to us to chat that through.

You've also mentioned that he would like to take you out on a date, and I'm wondering how that makes you feel? What is your gut instinct saying about whether or not you should go on the date?

You might find this article on our website, which talks about age gaps in a relationship, interesting to take a look at.

Thank you for trusting us with this, @mk1881. We really appreciate you being so open with us.

Take care and speak soon,
Harry

Former Member

It definetely is confusing and my gut I don't believe to be super trustworthy. Because from the time that we're in conception we're recieving sublimital messages from the world around us that shape our views. By the world's influence, I don't think I should. But by my heart I want to know him and explore who he is as a person, not even just for the sake of having a romantic partner, but because each individual deserves to be known, heard and seen for who they are. The thought of him taking me on a date leaves my heart in shambles and up in the air with no adequate Earth to return to; however my brain which is much more logical, advises me against it because I could be hurt and I don't want to be used. I feel like in general I should give him a chance. I hate being discriminatory, especially on things we don't have control over. It's not his or my fault that we were born so far apart. Thank you for your response @HarryT. You've really made me think on this, in ways I normally wouldn't. Wishing you the best in your own life. Thanks again^^

Stellaluna

Hi @mk1881

This is a really interesting topic and I remember similar dilemmas with my own peers as teenagers. As teenagers a gap of a few years seemed massive which is understandable because brains, bodies, our sense of self, our values, identity are still developing at this stage. The difference between a 16 and 21 year old in terms of development is much greater than for example the difference between a 35 year old and a 40 year old or an 80 and 85 year old.
Having said that, it is possible to have healthy relationships with an age gap and it depends on the dynamic between the two people involved, preferably one which is not manipulative or exploitative.
Sometimes there can be power imbalances, stereo-typically with the older more experienced male who preys on the younger female. Ideally a potential relationship should have equal power distribution. There should be no controlling behaviour or pressuring partners to do anything they feel uncomfortable with. There should be safety, open communication, consent when it comes to sex and mutual respect between both partners.

Have you spoken to family or friends who you know you can trust to see what they think of you and this potential partner? Mutual friends or contacts may have a better idea of who this person is and may be able to warn you if anything seems suspicious or if he has a history of pursuing girls with an age gap.
Did he know you were 16 when you first met 4 months ago?
It could be an idea, if you say you want to get to know him more, to take things very slowly and see if you feel more comfortable around him rather than having to decide immediately to be in a relationship.
What do you mean when you say you are afraid of being hurt or used? Is this a concern about relationships in general or is this specific to there being an age gap?

Former Member

@Stellaluna, You've brought up a lot of great points, some of which I dwelled with heavily on. I understand balances, not just in age gap relationships but every type of relationship whether romantic or friendly. I haven't spoken to any family members because they would all freak out understandably. And I haven't talked to friends because the person and I weren't sure if it would work out. He did know and we are taking things slowly but as friends. I was afraid of being hurt or used just because he is alot older and could have been manipulative but he isn't like that at all. He's genuine. Thank you for your correspondance!!

Stellaluna

@mk1881 Wonderful to hear he seems genuine, understands your concerns and you are taking things slow. It sounds as though you really like this person. I can understand family and friends could freak out or try to interfere and stop you from seeing this person. Although having an adult’s perspective can be useful and your family members may have experienced similar things as teenagers. Maybe one day when you’re an adult someone will approach you with a similar issue and you’ll be able to give some great advice.
I wish you all the best with all your relationships both romantic and platonic. We are here if you need anything.