I understand I'm not young anymore but...

Former Member

Hello community. I have spent all of my prime years with dating this one woman off and on since I was 25. (Why I am posting in The Mix)

My experience with getting past someone and building new relationships stopped there. I am now 41. I can say we are concretely finished since 2 months ago. Problem is I'm filling the void with a cocaine habit I picked back up. And I've been clean for just over 10 years.

I was hurt a few years before meeting her. When we meet I fell for her fast and even though I realized she was using my feelings to take advantage I stayed. I was deep into her. And my attraction to her started to become self-distructive as I would always put her wants and needs above my own and have stunted my personal and societal growth. We would have a fight and leave but I'd go back to her throughout these 16 years.

Ok sorry for long post just wanted set the stage.

The trouble is I'm finding myself unable to pick back up where I left off in my mid 20s. I may be 41 but as soon as I turned 40 my libido spiked up and I feel like I'm back in my 20s It's true 40 is the new 20.

Any advice you might be able to send on how to love yourself first before looking around again would be much appreciated.

I am open to any questions you may have.
Thank you in advance

Former Member

Firstly, you should be proud of yourself for opening up about your addiction and past relational trauma it's a hard thing to do. But actualizing an issue is the first step to recovery; not to sound preachy. I have a dear friend who recently started cocaine again after his best friend moved. So I'm able to understand feeling hopeless when receiving a loss. I love that you pointed out loving yourself before getting back out into the dating scene. That's really good and a great place to start. Since you've been hurt by such a long relationship, I encourage you to examine who you were before her, during her and after her; specifically the parts you liked about yourself. Even if it's just something as simple as, I like the way I smiled or I liked the way I dressed. It's really hard to seperate yourself from a partner but remember you were a person before them and you will be your own person after them. Notice the things you loved doing and the things that made you happy. Know that you are on this Earth and because of that simple mundane fact that you have a purpose and worth. Regardless if you believe in a religion, we are all here and there has to be a reason.

As far as love specifically goes, science boils down love to three stages: lust, attraction and attachment. Lust is ruled by testosterone and estrogen. Attraction is harbored by dopamine and serotonin. And attraction is governed by oxytocin and vasopressin. These are all brain chemicals. But even if you believe heavily in the sciences they can't explain every part of psychology as much as we might like to think. All that to say, there is no formula for loving ones self. But there are useful things that start with simply accepting your self as a being. Noticing what you like to do apart from people and then slowly adding in other people that have different relations to you in life; i.e, familial, friendships, romantic, etc.

I hope this was helpful. You've got this and thank you for reaching out.

Former Member

Hi there @BigMudderChevy, thank you so much for opening up about these concerns, it takes strength to be vulnerable and share our struggles. We are here with you, to help you navigate this tough time.

I hear that the ending of the relationship with your past partner has been quite confronting, it seems
as if you are experiencing some challenges with self-worth, is that right? This is a very common pain, especially after a break-up, but is difficult to grapple with nevertheless. In times like these, it can be easy to wish for an instant fix or a manual for how to restore ourselves, but everyone's path to a better place is individualised and varies.

I understand this can be frustrating to hear, so together we can look at some coping mechanisms or next steps which can lead you to a place where this is more manageable for you. Perhaps we can explore what has brought you relief in the past or enjoyment? This could be sport, volunteering, time with friends, volunteering etc. Revisiting or delving into these activities may gift you the purpose, value and direction that you are seeking.

I also see that you have been struggling with substance use. It makes sense that you want to ease some of your pain, heartache can feel unbearable and inescapable at times. May I ask whether you have been receiving any support for this? You are deserving of experiencing the sobriety you have been working hard to achieve. Below, I will attach some links for support services that you may be interested in exploring for longer-term support. The above coping mechanisms may help you push through whilst you wait to access these resources:

Cocaine Anonymous UK
0800 612 0225
helpline@cauk.org.uk
cauk.org.uk

Narcotics Anonymous
0300 999 1212
ukna.org
Support for anyone who wants to stop using drugs.

You may also be able to explore treatment options such as talking therapy with your GP, if this is something you feel able to do.

Remember, you are worthy of being loved at all stages of your journey and at any age also, but it is fantastic to see that you'd like to make some adjustments first. Re-entering the dating scene can be so nerve-wracking, but with the right tools, you'll be able to enjoy your renewed freedom!

Take care.

Former Member

Hey @BigMudderChevy

Welcome to the Mix and thank you for sharing

Having this kind of relationship with someone for such a long time sounds really difficult. I guess the fact it is on off, means there isn't a huge amount of stability. You say you put her needs and wants above your own, and in doing so it has stunted your personal and societal growth. When you have love for someone, sometimes it's easy to fall into this way, but you have recognised it and want to nurture yourself now, which is amazing.

I really struggled after I broke up with my ex, my mental health took a turn and for 3 years after was in a dark place and harmed my body a lot in that time. I was convinced I would never love again, I refused to allow myself, but after learning how to be content with myself, I am now in a very loving and independent relationship that just came my way. You are right, self-love is the key. You may have been in this relationship for 16 years but you have been with yourself long before that, and will continue to be long after that.

With the cocaine, I think talking to someone would help, a group or an individual. It's important not to punish yourself when you relapse, or rely on a form of self-harm, because that can send you on another downward spiral. Instead, be gentle with yourself, understand you are going through something very difficult right now, and try to replace it with a healthy coping mechanism.

With regards to your libido spiking up again, I think masturbation is a very important part of self-love that isn't really spoken about very openly. Intimacy with your mind and body, exploring your physical being, is soooooo powerful for self-love and healing, in my opinion. Another thing you could do is to write out a list of things you love to do, and make sure you do them a couple times a week. One thing that has been great for me, is to take myself out on a date. This could be anything, but quality time with yourself and getting outdoors is significant.

I hope this helps, and please don't say sorry for the length of your post. Long or short, we are all here to support each other!