So confused

Former Member

I don't understand what suicidal feelings are and what they might feel like.
All day I have wondered if that's how I've been feeling. I already fight with anxiety and things are difficult at home right now.
I do have a counsellor but that's only once a week. And really talking and speaking out those words is hard enough. And what if I'm completely wrong?

So some of the symptoms I've matched up to myself are:
-waking up earlier than I used to
-feeling hopeless
-worthless
-want an escape
-low self esteem

Also, in a little meltdown I had on my own I was really punching into my legs...and tugging my hair a bit. Self harm?
^ that could also be due to autism too? idk

How does anyone manage to speak out? Really say these words?

If anyone has any help they could give I thank you in advance.

kaii

Hey @Millicento_, thank you for reaching out. I'm aware that this hasn't been easy to do at all.

Suicidal feelings vary from person to person, and they aren't always obvious. Perhaps talking to your counsellor or your GP could help you with this, since they're going to be well informed about the topic.

It may be helpful to talk about these feelings to the following services:

The Mix: have a helpline on 0808 808 4994 which is open from 4-11pm. They also have a crisis messenger text service which provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. You can text THEMIX to 85258.

Samaritans: https://www.samaritans.org/ - you can call them on 116 123 or send them an email on jo@samaritans.org

Papyrus: https://www.papyrus-uk.org/ - you can call them on 0800 068 4141 from 9am-midnight.

I'm aware that these services might not give you some clarity on how you're feeling, but they can help you cope with these feelings

Since you see your counsellor once a week, I would just like to ask how you've been finding these sessions? I hear that you find it difficult to speak these words out. I understand why you feel worried about being completely wrong about these feelings. I'm not sure how helpful your counsellor is, but they (and your GP too) are there to help you figure it out and give you some clarity, since you're still wondering about these feelings. If possible, maybe it would help to write down your feelings every time you see your counsellor? You could also do this when you have some alone time to yourself too. It may help you understand your thoughts and feelings better as well as take the weight of your chest.

Hope that this helps and that everything gets better

Former Member

Hey @Millicento_

Thank you for sharing. Suicidal feelings vary, I think everyone gets them, it's just to what extent, how frequent and intense they are. I have found in my experiences that it is so textbook, you can fill out a form online, your GP asks you set questions, it's all very rigid and basic. These symptoms you have mentioned can be symptoms of various mental health issues, as are many other things that coincide with each other. If you feel you are having suicidal thoughts then you most probably are because you know your body. It's difficult to compare our symptoms to others as every single human being on this planet is different and mental health is a lot more in depth.

Do you feel comfortable sharing what is going on at home right now?

You question whether punching into your legs and tugging on your hair is a form of self harm, I think there are many things that are self harm that people don't necessarily think of. Essentially it is anything that is harming your body: alcohol and drug consumption, unhealthy eating habits, cutting your skin, unhealthy sleeping patterns etc. Even something like exercise, it's good for you, but too much becomes unhealthy which becomes self harm. It's a very broad umbrella term. Do you think you could elaborate on what caused you to have a meltdown?

Talking and speaking out is incredibly hard, you are not alone in feeling that. I have always struggled to articulate my feelings, so words have completely saved my life. Keep writing on here, like kaii said, it may be beneficial to write down your feelings before your session, so then when it comes to it, you can read it back to your counsellor. How does this sound to you?

Take care

Former Member

Hey @Millicento_

Just checking in with how you are doing?

Sending hugs