Suffering with loneliness after 9 years of real world social isolation, anguish of being a virgin

Former Member

I'm male, 25 years old, I won't even bother mentioning the other mental health issues because they seem to make people not want to know me. Like it's a secret people don't like those with mental health issues that require support.
I'm suffering with a lot of suicidal thoughts and depression from not being able to lose my virginity. I'm pansexual which helps I guess. But I've not been able to meet anyone. I've joined so many social groups and only been able to meet up with one person, but I don't think they want a relationship.
I'm lost on what to do. I'm scared of dying having not lost my virginity. At the same time, I want to end this misery. I was already raided by the police for spelling out suicidal thoughts. I really don't understand what people think the police can do? They've done nothing for me other than barged in unwelcomed.

Please help

kaii

Hi @SilentGoat , I can see that this is your first post here, so welcome to The Mix, it's great to have you

Thank you so much for reaching out, I'm aware that this hasn't been easy to do. I understand your reason about why you don't feel comfortable to mention your other mental health issues. But please feel free to mention them whenever you're comfortable. Our community is here to support you, whether it be through the discussion boards, or The Mix's support services. And if needed, we can signpost you to other services to help you

I'm so sorry to hear that you've experienced 9 years of real world social isolation, I can understand how it's been very difficult for you during this period. I'm glad that you've tried to seek out support by joining social groups.

It seems that you're feeling a lot of pressure from not being able to lose your virginity. I would like to ask, has anything in particular triggered these feelings? Could it be because you've experienced loneliness for a long time? Or could it be pressure from others or from the fact that you're a 25 year old male? It can of course be a combination of these factors.

The following resources may help you:

The Mix: The Mix have a free helpline which is open from 4pm to 11pm everyday on 0808 808 4994
Their Crisis Messenger service is 24/7, free and confidential. You can text THEMIX to 85258

Samaritans: because you've mentioned having a lot of suicidal thoughts, it may help to let all these thoughts out instead of keeping it all in. You can do this by calling Samaritans in 116 125 or sending them an email on jo@samaritans.org

Since you mentioned that you've been suffering with loneliness, Mind has an article about tips on how to manage loneliness: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/loneliness/tips-to-manage-loneliness/ - maybe incorporating some of these tips could help

I hope all goes well and that this helps

Former Member

One thing that's triggered the feelings other than porn is how much I realize people who have a relationship and have regular sex seem to be really happy in life. I get constant thoughts of "Why won't anyone ever have sex with me?" I'm also wondering what it feels like, and scared of dying never knowing what it feels like, to the point where I've desperately signed up to hookup sights, but to no avail because they're filled with bots.

I'll try the loneliness help, but a lot of my motivation is non-existent. I wonder if what I need is a relationship, or to lose my virginity, to motivate me to do that.

Edit: tried the Mind page... doesn't help at all.

Former Member

Hi @SilentGoat, welcome to the Mix and thank you for sharing how you are feeling. Sounds really tough to be feeling that way. Understand the stigma in real life sometimes, but we are here to listen on this site and hopefully you’ll have a better experience sharing whatever you feel comfortable to share. No pressure and no judgment here.

I wanted to ask first of all if this is the first time you’ve shared this, or if you have anyone you have spoken to about it before too (in real life or online)?

It’s sounding like you are attributing the difficult feelings you’re having to having not yet lost your virginity, which triggers the loneliness feeling more, would that be fair to say or have I misunderstood anything?

I hear you that you see people in relationships and having sex as seeming to be really happy in life. In case it helps… I am a bit older than you so am at a stage of my life where my friends are getting married and settling down, as I have myself, and honestly see and know that sex does not equal happiness. We all still struggle with mental health and loneliness. I’m sorry if that sounds a bit bleak but just trying to give you a different view too… it’s like on social media when everyone posts happy stuff and not sad, if that makes any sense?!

Which is why I’m wondering if there is more to talk through than losing your virginity, but anything else that might help you, particularly in times when you are feeling suicidal? Do you still find joy / distraction in any activity, or do you have anyone in your life that makes you feel better too?

Also I’d add to the resources shared above, I’ve used a text help thing called Shout before which got me out of a dark place. Sharing the link https://giveusashout.org/

Take care
Lucy

kaii

@SilentGoat I understand how porn and people in relationships having regular sex could contribute to the pressure of losing your virginity.

I would just like to ask if you’re still watching porn? I’m aware that porn can release a lot of dopamine to your brain, giving you feelings of pleasure. Whilst it’s completely okay to enjoy porn, keep in mind that it could also give you some unrealistic standards when it comes to having sex, which could also be applied to your expectations of losing your virginity. There are other activities for your brain to release some dopamine - this can include listening to music, meditation, or getting some exercise. To add on what @Lucy307 said, these could be activities that may give your joy or distractions from the thought of losing your virginity.

I’d also like to leave a link to an article here on The Mix: https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/virginity/what-age-do-people-lose-their-virginity-3338.html

This article may help you with your feelings, it looks at peer pressure and having sex for the first time for the right reasons. This may help you feel better

I’m sorry that the Mind page wasn’t helpful to you. We benefit in different ways, so it’s fine to not find those tips helpful