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I just don't feel okay (TW self harm)
spoon
Posts: 375 Listening Ear
I'm so fed up of feeling like shit everyday. I guess its an improvement from feeling like shit all the time but god its annoying. I'm writing this now because I rarely ever know how to put how I feel into words and I'm just gonna forget how bad this feels.
It's results day soon and I know I failed and that's something I can accept but people are gonna be asking what my grade is. I'm gonna start this counselling course on September but I feel like I'm gonna do badly on that too because look at me. I feel like I'm gonna end up spending so much money on that course only to fail it and not move up from there and I feel like I'm doomed to not do anything worth while. I know I'm capable, but I'm also unmotivated and struggle asking for help and I'm probably gonna procrastinate a tonne. I might start work tomorrow which is a start I guess but I feel like I'll be terrible at it.
I never got addicted to self harm or anything and I didn't do it since over a year ago and before that, also a year ago. I did it quite a bit before that though. I can understand why it's so addicting though and that's because I get an urge every day and I thought I got used to it but I don't know if I am. I remember at some point I did it in a different way then 'usual' for like two or three days and would do it each chance I get, before and after school, after and before tuition, at night.. I would decide to stop and then want to do it again because it didn't feel like it's enough. It's like the closest thing to satisfaction I could get while not feeling satisfied and constantly feeling tense so I guess it explains why I wanted more. It's like tension but not physical tension but I could and still can feel it anyway. I think I would've kept doing it if I didn't throw it away. I know I would hesitate if I did decide to do it, hence why I'm not gonna do it. I don't wanna be a hypocrite either since so many people seem to do it now. I guess you could say I come a long way from not doing it because I thought I was strong enough lol.
I hate that I seem so ungrateful. Overall my life is good, I never experienced trauma and I always feel like I have no right to feel this way. I know that's bullshit and I wouldn't say the same thing to someone else. I know if someone had my feelings I would let them know it's valid but I can't feel the same about myself. I wish it was easy but it's not at all and it should be. I feel like no one actually sees it, I was in CAMHS in the past and didn't like it. I don't think they actually saw me. I never got diagnosed with anything so I guess I'm just like this. I hate that any time I feel like I'm doomed or feeling anxious or some sort of inconvenience I suddenly want it all to end, which I won't but I wish it would. I feel like I was a fake from the start, everything, my symptoms and my feelings, my tics, everything. What if its all for attention and I just want to dig myself in a hole? What if I'm exaggerating. I had a therapist through Zoom "yay pandemic !" when I was 16 and I think I was trying to explain how sometimes I feel like dying, for example anything embarrassing and she said something like "Everyone feels like that sometimes. Like "aaahhh I wanna die so embarrassing" but I could swear it wasn't like that. It's more detailed then that I had suicidal thoughts in the past. I didn't know how to explain that those thoughts feel so ingrained into me, even now, despite not actually wanting my life to end. I was getting better during the pandemic, not because of therapy but because it was lockdown and I got to do my own thing and I was more active and healthier. I had one session cut short because it seemed I was getting better according to those stupid questionnaires that didn't apply to real life anymore. I thought I would feel like lockdown me when my exams ended and I guess it does a little bit but not really.
I know I'm gonna feel okay in the end but I'm so sick of waiting for that only to feel bad again and I tell myself it'll feel better again because it does but it's frustrating.
It's results day soon and I know I failed and that's something I can accept but people are gonna be asking what my grade is. I'm gonna start this counselling course on September but I feel like I'm gonna do badly on that too because look at me. I feel like I'm gonna end up spending so much money on that course only to fail it and not move up from there and I feel like I'm doomed to not do anything worth while. I know I'm capable, but I'm also unmotivated and struggle asking for help and I'm probably gonna procrastinate a tonne. I might start work tomorrow which is a start I guess but I feel like I'll be terrible at it.
I never got addicted to self harm or anything and I didn't do it since over a year ago and before that, also a year ago. I did it quite a bit before that though. I can understand why it's so addicting though and that's because I get an urge every day and I thought I got used to it but I don't know if I am. I remember at some point I did it in a different way then 'usual' for like two or three days and would do it each chance I get, before and after school, after and before tuition, at night.. I would decide to stop and then want to do it again because it didn't feel like it's enough. It's like the closest thing to satisfaction I could get while not feeling satisfied and constantly feeling tense so I guess it explains why I wanted more. It's like tension but not physical tension but I could and still can feel it anyway. I think I would've kept doing it if I didn't throw it away. I know I would hesitate if I did decide to do it, hence why I'm not gonna do it. I don't wanna be a hypocrite either since so many people seem to do it now. I guess you could say I come a long way from not doing it because I thought I was strong enough lol.
I hate that I seem so ungrateful. Overall my life is good, I never experienced trauma and I always feel like I have no right to feel this way. I know that's bullshit and I wouldn't say the same thing to someone else. I know if someone had my feelings I would let them know it's valid but I can't feel the same about myself. I wish it was easy but it's not at all and it should be. I feel like no one actually sees it, I was in CAMHS in the past and didn't like it. I don't think they actually saw me. I never got diagnosed with anything so I guess I'm just like this. I hate that any time I feel like I'm doomed or feeling anxious or some sort of inconvenience I suddenly want it all to end, which I won't but I wish it would. I feel like I was a fake from the start, everything, my symptoms and my feelings, my tics, everything. What if its all for attention and I just want to dig myself in a hole? What if I'm exaggerating. I had a therapist through Zoom "yay pandemic !" when I was 16 and I think I was trying to explain how sometimes I feel like dying, for example anything embarrassing and she said something like "Everyone feels like that sometimes. Like "aaahhh I wanna die so embarrassing" but I could swear it wasn't like that. It's more detailed then that I had suicidal thoughts in the past. I didn't know how to explain that those thoughts feel so ingrained into me, even now, despite not actually wanting my life to end. I was getting better during the pandemic, not because of therapy but because it was lockdown and I got to do my own thing and I was more active and healthier. I had one session cut short because it seemed I was getting better according to those stupid questionnaires that didn't apply to real life anymore. I thought I would feel like lockdown me when my exams ended and I guess it does a little bit but not really.
I know I'm gonna feel okay in the end but I'm so sick of waiting for that only to feel bad again and I tell myself it'll feel better again because it does but it's frustrating.
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Comments
I hear you out when you mention about feeling unmotivated and that you are struggling for help. However, I'm glad that you have reached out for support as it is a good thing to do. There will be days where we do feel unmotivated and like we don't want to do anything. I know the feeling myself as I have dealt with feeling unmotivated lots of times. Hmm, are there any activities or hobbies that you do that you find motivating or relaxing?. Sometimes, when do something like an activity or hobby just for a little bit, it can encourage to keep doing the activity that we were doing. I also just wanted to mention that it is totally okay to feel unmotivated and feel like not doing much. It is a normal human feeling.
I noticed that you mentioned about therapy and that you did it online. Therapy can be a good thing as it can help when talking about your feelings to someone. I have done therapy before too online, and I know what you mean when you talk about it not being that helpful. I often find that most therapy sessions dont last very long and they are only 6 sessions which I personally feel isnt enough. I feel you when you mention about the questionaires that you had to fill out and that they thought that you were improving.
I dont know if anything of this was helpful to be honest, but I want you to know that you are an amazing and lovely person. I know that you won't fail and I bet you are going to get the best results anyone could ever get
Sending Hugs,
Amy22
I already know I didn’t do great in my exams which wasn’t something I’m too fussed about, just the fact that I feel like I’m gonna disappoint other people. I know that because I haven’t put in my best effort throughout the year and my mock exams weren’t great. I bet it’ll all be good for you on results day
I cycle most days but that’s about it. I wanna learn more crochet but I’m not really into it at the moment. I know the basic stitches and stuff and I wanna make more stuff other then mini octopuses. It would be cool to make more stuffed toys at some point but I swear crochet eyes are overpriced and I don’t want to waste so much stuffing. I mean button eyes are cute on octopuses but i bet they’d be creepy for other things. Made a hat before but I don’t have the wool for it right now. I plan to make a blanket at some point but it’s something I plan to do later on when I have everything and have the chance. I want to read and write more, but again, struggling to get into it.
Yeah online therapy wasn’t great. I had a school counsellor and she was great but that ended. She said if I wanted too I could continue at her office or email her but I felt ready. I’m in a much better place than I was but sometimes I still have my moments. Honestly, with those questionnaires, I feel like it’s just common sense that things will seem like it’s improving when your asked how you are in exams or being outside every week when your not doing any of those things because of lockdown. I think I ended up having like 5 sessions instead of the usual 6 because I seemed to be doing well, which I was, but because of lockdown which was never gonna be forever lol. It was a bit patronising as well because for my first “session”, even though shes nice she kinda talks like I’m 4. I kid you not she was like “woooow what year are you in?” “Year 11” “WOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW” lol
Crochet sounds really fun to get into. I am a crocheter myself and I love to crochet. I find crochet helps with my anxiety and stuff. Though I will be honest, I am a bit of a perfectionist at times and Im thingy with my colours. Aww the tiny octopuses are adorable, I will have to try having a go making one. I agree with you on toy stuffing as it is pricey even for just one bag of stuffing. Its the same for the button eyes as they cost a lot and the ones I want to get I would have to have shipped over from the US as I dont think they sell some of them in the UK. Ooh making a blanket sounds awesome, I'm actually making a blanket out of granny squares. Blankets are so fun to make and they are nice as gifts too. I would say granny squares are fun to make and they are super quick too. If you need any tips or anything in general, feel free to PM me and I would be happy to help
Im the same too with reading as I need to get back into reading as well as my writing. My creative process hasn't been too great this summer.
However, I know that you'll have plenty of time to do all these things, as they take time to do.
Sending hugs,
Amy22
I understand how scary results day can be, especially when people ask you what grades you got. I'm sure you'll be okay, and if you're not, please don't worry as there are plenty of opportunities out there for you. Best of luck to you and @Amy22 - hoping you both get good results
It sounds great that you'll be doing a counselling course, I'm sure you'll be great at it since I've seen the wonderful support that you've given to others here on the boards. I'm glad to hear that you feel capable, and I also understand how difficult it is to stay motivated and to ask for help. I felt like this during my first year of my undergraduate psychology degree. I would just like to say that you're doing nothing wrong when you're asking for help, and that it's completely fine to have days where you feel unmotivated since school life can be very busy. Taking part in self-care activities may help with this, such as reading a book, going out for a walk, or watching a good tv show ^^
Even though you have never experienced trauma at all, your feelings are completely valid and you definitely have a right to feel this way. Your feelings are just as important. I'm very sorry to hear that you've had a bad experience with online therapy. It sounds like the procedures that were used weren't helpful at all for you which is completely fine since we all seek different kinds of support. I can understand why you felt like you weren't seen or listened to at all by them, which is absolutely exhausting and terrible.
Please don't give up on searching for support, I'm hoping that everything will work out for you - I'm sure it will
Just wanted to reach out to see how you are doing?
We are all here for you and we care about you
"Like when I was down you just had that smile that made me feel like everything's worthwhile. Thinking of the day when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you"
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You wouldn’t untangle my wool 😭
Thanks kai ((:
I got CDD, so no Es like I expected lol. I had the opportunity to go to Swansea University and I was really thinking about it when I had the place. Looking at student accommodation and everything. I mean, it’s near the seaside!
I decided not to though because I already have my counselling course going for me and I wanna work and I want a direct route and I’ve never been very academic. I think Psychology degrees are amazing, I just don’t see it opening many doors for me personally, along with the fact that I got offered the foundation year through clearing. And also because I applied there through clearing on a complete whim. I might consider going to uni though either after doing a Level 3 or when I’m around 21 because some counselling degrees have age requirements. I think the course will suit me well, it’s a small group and less exams too. I’m also really hoping I get a job as a mental health support worker because it’ll be great experience and doesnt require me qualifications. South Wales does a counselling and therapeutic studies degree and having 150 hours worth of work experience with vulnerable children or adults is necessary so this could open doors for.
Thanks Steph ((:
I’m doing a lot better and I’m planning on going to London with a friend next week which we’re both excited for because we never went outside of where we live without our parents.
I wish you the best of luck with your counselling course - I'm really glad to hear that you got some clarity about which options work best for you
I'm sure you'll get a job as a mental health support worker, it sounds like a great experience that really suits you, so I wish you good luck with this!
I'm so proud of you, keep doing your best