Brother issue

Willow

So my boyfriend lives with his older brother. (I live somewhere else). My boyfriend has been financially supporting his older brother ever since he moved in with him years ago. The Brother seems to get a job and then quits after less than a week. This is constant. He doesnt contribute towards food or bills. My boyfriend had enough spending earned money on bills and food, he works 6 days a week now just so he has money left over for himself.

The brother recently got a part-time job where he works a minimum of I think 12 hours a week but normally does more.

His half of the bills is £180 and his half of the food is £200 a month (380).

The brother (who hasn't got a debt card) sent £240 to my partner when he got paid we thought that would be towards bills and food as that's half of what he got paid roughly however £120 for "bills" and £120 was for the brother to pay off people. He got paid £500. So when he mentioned to my boyfriend he only gave him really £120 I stepped in and told him the facts in a very calm and nice way of how much he owes for bills and food and he wasn't very happy. As he wouldn't have enough money to "buy weed then". (He smokes a lot of weed to deal with stress)

I tried to difuse it and say well what can you contribute as at the end of the day regardless we don't want to put him without money but at the same time my boyfriend feels he shouldn't have to pay all the living costs when his brother also lives there as well. He didn't seem happy but paid his half of the bills in the end.

I still don't feel like this is fair as he's priorities should be bills and food first but he doesn't see that. I think he should of atleast gave half but I don't know what would be fair on the brother if he doesn't earn that much. I will also mention a couple of weeks ago the brother stole my boyfriend card and took £120 off of him so there's that debt to reclaim back some how as well.

Any advice would be appreciated

daisyella12

Hi @Willow

This seems like a really difficult situation to be in. I think you are right in what you did by stepping in calmly. It may be worth working out a percentage of your boyfriend and his brothers pay to contribute to bills and food, that way instead of them both paying exactly the same amount, they will be contributing the same percentage. Because your boyfriend earns more than his brother this may seem fairer in his brothers eyes. Although, I understand your boyfriend has been paying for his brother for a long time so his brother must owe him quite a lot of money. It is sad to hear that his brother has stolen from him, i can see why your boyfriend would be frustrated at the situation especially after that.

It may be beneficial to encourage your boyfriend and brother to sit down and have an honest chat, that way they may be able to come to an agreement. Even if it means the brother pays half of the bills and food money for a few months to prove he is reliable and then once he has proved himself they could both contribute the same percentage of their wages to bills and food so it seems like a fairer split regarding their pay difference. For example if the brother earned £500 a month, he could pay 30% which would be £150 and if your boyfriend earned £1000 he could also pay 30% which would be £300. Of course this is only a suggestion and as your boyfriend has paid so much already this may not be something he wants to do, which is completely understandable!

I hope this helps and I really hope you find a solution

Willow

Hello @daisyella12

Many thanks for the advice this has definitely given myself something to think/ look into as I never thought about it this way and this to me makes total sense. My issue I think will be getting both of them on board especially the brother. As I mentioned he has an addiction to weed. He seems to think this is a priority over paying bills or contribute anything towards food/living costs. When we were asking him if he could start contributing he was very very upset as he felt he wouldn't have enough money for his addiction. The problem is he gets the stuff and then pays the dealer I guess back when he gets paid. So by the time he does that there is barely any money left for him to then contribute towards bills/food of which in his eyes feels he has no money. It is one of them situations where there is nothing I feel me and my partner can do to change his ways or atleast see get the brother to see from my partners point of view how much he is taking advantage of him which makes me very worried, angry and sad cause I want the best for my partner and for him to be happy and not have to worry about stuff like bills.

It gotton to a point where we bought my partner a safe so he can lock up personal items, like his wallet and also to store food in there so that the brother doesn't steal off of him as it looks to also be he like rummages through my partners drawers and stuff to find things which is a total violation against my partners privacy. The safe works really well it is just sad that my partner doesn't feel comfortable to leave items in his own home especially when the house is my partners not the brother. The brother behaviour really puts a strain on me and my partner relationship which I try not let it bother me but it does sometimes. It also undo's all the hard work me and my partner have done as I been helping my partner with his finances trying to get him out of this small debt and we were finally were getting in a good place like my partner said he has never seen his bank in + before and then immediately the next day the brother steals from him and just undoes everything we spent months on.

I guess cause of perhaps the way I grew up, I don't quite understand how the brother (whose the oldest) is more than happy to steal and take advantage of his younger brother. To me it is unthinkable. Do you think it is okay to step in and perhaps say something if he does anything (like steal)? or is it not my place? Cause I really have a few choice words I personally would like to say to him. My partner says its okay (especially now) but I don't want to break apart two brothers or ruin my relationship.

Lucy307

Hi @Willow this sounds like a really tough situation to be trying to deal with, particularly as it’s been going on for so long? Can I ask, have you sat down with your boyfriend and had an open conversation about how this is affecting you?

I think it’s really tricky with family because they will stick together through thick and thin (usually) therefore the person that’s most likely set up to get hurt if there was a big blow up is you. Even with all the nasty things it sounds like the brother is doing, which is really unfair. Maybe if you could express your fears and concerns to your partner openly, he might be able to help put your mind at ease?

daisyella12

@Willow

I'm glad I gave you something to consider, although it seems like it might take a while until you can get to that point where it is a possibility.

As @Lucy307 mentioned it seems really difficult because on the one hand it seems as though it has got to the point where the brother needs to hear it straight from you in order for him to (maybe) change his ways. But like Lucy said it could blow up and you could be the one hurt at the end of it so it is really difficult!

I think Lucy is right if you have a conversation with your partner and get reassurance that if it blows up you wont be the one blamed and isolated.

I really hope you figure something out