Just my recent mind frame

One-in-a-million

Ugh I hate mental health like I’m not as bad as I used to be but I’ve been better. This is what I was afraid of though, feeling great, fantastic even but having that underlying feeling of “but for how long.” And now I’m in the next cycle of having up and down days. Some days are great others I can’t even get out of bed! Some days I just feel drained and don’t want to go work and it takes me all my mental strength to force myself to go work. Once I’m there I’m usually better(ish) I mean at least it stops me from just lying in my bed.

Therapy seems to be helping some (when I can make time for it) but I’m getting sick of having to cancel due to work, sometimes they can accommodate for me and allow me to attend but other times it doesn’t work. My last session was going to take place at work (via video) but I couldn’t engage properly so we ended up cutting it short (she suggested it and then suggested I used the rest of the time to cool off and listen to some music or something.) I also have a sense of guilt sometimes like others probably need it more than me… what if I’m taking someone’s place?

Other than work I’ve been thinking what a mess I’ve made and how much my mental health has almost cost me, for one I almost lost my job plus I lost a lot of trust due to lying about self-harm. I still think about self harm but not in the way of thinking of doing it, it’s more thinking about what I’ve already done and going through what could have happened if I hadn’t stopped. Sometimes I think about doing it again as it was a way to get my anger and frustration but I feel bad about it now which I guess is a good thing.

Lastly and I’m aware it’s selfish, I feel like my cousins are slowly drifting away from me. I’ve been expecting it for a few years but it doesn’t make it any easier. The times in between seeing them is getting longer. I’ll never stand in their way or ask them to stay because this is all part of them growing up and I’ve got to accept that and appreciate the times they do want to see me. It’s just hard watching them grow each time I see them. I know they still love me and last night had me crying (in a nice way) although I can imagine it wasn’t a nice situation. I had texted both my cousin “love you” but it didn’t go through until late. One of them saw it and immediately texted back saying love you but then followed it by a message asking if I was ok, checking I wasn’t going to do anything stupid and trying to call me. I apologised and said I had sent it ages ago. Bless her heart and of course due to our relationship I then had to tease her 🤣❤️ to which she jokingly told me to shut up. I then confirmed that in all seriousness I appreciate why she was worried and reassured her. I love these girls so much it’s hard to explain I’m just dreading the day they stop seeing me.

spoon

Sometimes that feeling of being better is nice but it can be tough because you wonder what would happen if you stop being better. It sucks because those bad days tend to get really sucky after having good days because of that “it was going so well” mentality. But what I find that helps me is that I stop worrying about later bad days because I know that if those bad days keep coming, there will soon eventually be good days. It makes those good days more special and those bad days easier.

Please please please don’t ever feel you don’t deserve therapy. If you didn’t, you’re therapist wouldn’t have those sessions with you, if it’s NHS then it probably means that even more because you wouldn’t have been in that long waiting list for nothing. I really hope you find a balance between your work and your sessions at some point. If you found that therapy benefitted you at all, of course you needed it! Is there any time of the week that you don’t have to go to work? It sounds like in person would be better just because other environments can be so distracting, though it’s better than nothing and its understandable if you can’t do that right now.

It’s understandable that you lied in the past about your self harm, the stigma of it can be awful. I think it’s brilliant that you stopped doing it, what you did in the past can’t be undone so you should just be glad you did stop and don’t look back. Self harm is like that toxic relationship that you know you need to walk away from but struggle to, something that you end up thinking about often. The urges often stay for a very long time, but if you get an urge, you remind yourself that you are strong. You can get passed it. It’s one thing to avoid doing it because you know it’s bad, it’s even better when you avoid it because you are learning to love and care for yourself.

There’s some ways that can help with those urges, one is to keep you hands busy. Maybe a fidget or maybe a task or a hobby like origami (I mean I’m shit at origami but I bloody love making paper boats). Music can definitely help, or something to help you switch of like the telly or going for a quick walk. I find one way I avoid harming myself is scratch my sleeve or my clothes, for me it’s usually enough to satisfy my urge. Maybe that could help you, maybe it wouldn’t, I’m assuming method plays a role in how well it works but you could give it a try if an urge ever gets bad.

It’s not selfish at all to want to see your cousins, you love them. And it sounds like you are giving them the space to grow up. To be honest, I don’t think there’s any harm in seeing them more often if you all can. You clearly all deeply care for each other and I bet your cousins would love to see them more often. You should just ask, worst they can do is say they’re busy. It’s natural to be less available when they grow up, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to see you. I bet they do, more than you think. They’ll be the ones who can decide whether they should see you or if they should focus on themselves more. There’s a difference between being a part of someone’s life and taking up a person’s whole life. That doesn’t mean you have to be out the picture entirely. It’s not selfish to see those you love, you’re probably even helping them grow up. As long as your not pushy, I dont see why there’s any harm.

You are amazing OIAM and you will be okay, and it’s okay if you’re not for now or feel not okay in the future

daisyella12

Hi @One-in-a-million

It seems there is a lot going on at the moment, It can be really difficult to juggle multiple different areas of our lives at once (eg. work, self-care, family). I appreciate you reaching out and sharing your feelings with us as I am sure many people can relate to you

I am really glad to hear you have been feeling better lately, however, you mentioned being afraid of feeling great. I would suggest taking each day as it comes, and as much as you can to live in the present when you are feeling great, when we are worrying about the future it takes away from the moments we are living in the present, meaning we cant enjoy it as much. Recovery isn't linear, some days will be good and some will be bad but the fact you are having good days is a massive achievement, it shows you are improving, so well done! Also, the fact you are still getting up and going to work is amazing! But remember it is okay to have off days, it is okay if you need to take a break and have a day off.

I am happy to hear that therapy is helping you. It might be helpful to communicate with someone you trust at work and arrange the same day/time every week for therapy. That way it isn't unexpected so may be easier for them to accommodate the time for you. You are just as valid as anyone else for therapy!

Instead of thinking about what your mental health has almost cost you, it may be beneficial to think of what almost happened compared to where you are now. it seems like you have progressed a lot from where you were (almost losing your job, self harm etc.) which is a massive achievement! You should be proud of yourself for how far you have come!

I'm sorry to hear about your cousins drifting from you. It is really positive that you are still communicating with each other

Sending hugs

One-in-a-million

Thank you both

I guess mental health has it ups and downs. I never thought about it like that (if I didn’t need them I wouldn’t be given them.)
Unfortunately being on 0 hours my shifts change all the time which makes making appointments hard.

Self harm is something I still think about-ish but I don’t have any urges to actually do it anymore. I have some fidgets but don’t know how I feel about using them at work.

As for my cousins I know they still love me so much and I love the time they still come to see me. I know it will get easier. I don’t know how I feel about asking them to come though as I don’t want to be that person who is making them feel like they have to change plans. I’ve been in that situation myself and it’s not nice.

Thank you both again

spoon

One-in-a-million wrote: »

Thank you both

I guess mental health has it ups and downs. I never thought about it like that (if I didn’t need them I wouldn’t be given them.)
Unfortunately being on 0 hours my shifts change all the time which makes making appointments hard.

Self harm is something I still think about-ish but I don’t have any urges to actually do it anymore. I have some fidgets but don’t know how I feel about using them at work.

As for my cousins I know they still love me so much and I love the time they still come to see me. I know it will get easier. I don’t know how I feel about asking them to come though as I don’t want to be that person who is making them feel like they have to change plans. I’ve been in that situation myself and it’s not nice.

Thank you both again

i used to say that exact thing in my counselling sessions and my counsellor said if i didnt need them, she would discuss ending my sessions. we always downplay our own problems when in actuality, they are valid.

being on 0 hour contract sounds very sucky. is there a time where you can not do a shift at a certain time? assuming ur sessions are for an hour, is it possible to tell your work that you're pretty much always available except for that certain time at that day of the week? putting it that way can still make you sound flexible.

im glad you dont get urges anymore. its understandable if the guilt is still there but you shouldnt be, especially now that its all in the past.

im not a fan of taking fidgets with me either, thats why i usually take spiral hair ties with me to keep on my wrist to fidget with when needed because... no one ever suspects... the hair tie... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA...cough

im glad ur close to ur cousins, it must be great and bittersweet watching them grow up. i think u could simply ask when they are available to see u. that way, they wont have to change plans because they can choose when