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Convinced I'm a freak 😔
awesomeminecraft6789
Inactive Posts: 1,052 Wise Owl
Hey guys
So I've been having this thought recently and I'm not sure why but I keep telling myself "oh your a freak, you don't deserve the things you've got" and since I've had that thought it just keeps getting bigger, I don't know what it is. I keep thinking about my bullies in my old school and how they used to call me all this shit and now I'm believing I deserved that I've got serious PTSD from that experience that I'm not comfortable, not even in family gatherings, I've lived that way for most of my life.
I was on a call with my gf last night and I didn't talk a lot mainly cause I was excited but also because I was thinking I'm a freak and I don't deserve her think I'm losing my mind with these thoughts I'm not cutting or anything but I just keep thinking these things, I'm fine in the morning but idk what happens in the afternoon, I just start to feel awful.
Also another reason I think I'm thinking these things is that I have a strong tolerance to pain so say I got punched in the arm really hard it would hurt, but I wouldn't react a single bit, I've been called out on it before but pain just doesn't effect me somehow, mental pain hurts but that's about it, am I a freak? 😭
So I've been having this thought recently and I'm not sure why but I keep telling myself "oh your a freak, you don't deserve the things you've got" and since I've had that thought it just keeps getting bigger, I don't know what it is. I keep thinking about my bullies in my old school and how they used to call me all this shit and now I'm believing I deserved that I've got serious PTSD from that experience that I'm not comfortable, not even in family gatherings, I've lived that way for most of my life.
I was on a call with my gf last night and I didn't talk a lot mainly cause I was excited but also because I was thinking I'm a freak and I don't deserve her think I'm losing my mind with these thoughts I'm not cutting or anything but I just keep thinking these things, I'm fine in the morning but idk what happens in the afternoon, I just start to feel awful.
Also another reason I think I'm thinking these things is that I have a strong tolerance to pain so say I got punched in the arm really hard it would hurt, but I wouldn't react a single bit, I've been called out on it before but pain just doesn't effect me somehow, mental pain hurts but that's about it, am I a freak? 😭
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Comments
Hey,
From what I've seen from you on the boards and the support you've given me, and others you seem like a caring, amazing friend.
I hear you have strong PTSD from the past, have you had anyone to talk to about this? As, it could help by talking about feelings inside, obviously you don't have to it's just a thought.
People have different lain thresholds,so if you for example pinch your self, it might not hurt, but mental pain is different, it's pain we get Inside it's the on going effects from mental health issues or experiencing things that make us feel like crap inside,
Does that make sense?
Leila
Yes what your saying makes sense, no I haven't gotten support for it but maybe it's something I could look into cause I'm sick of thinking about this crap, like really so I will consider it and hopefully it helps
You could find helplines, for support on Minds website here's a link-
https://www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/using-this-tool
Hugs!
I would 100% recommend speaking to a professional about the things you have experienced because things like this may not only affect you now but also in your later life. It is a horrible thing you have experienced but the fact you're still powering through it is an achievement in itself. You deserve to be happy!