I feel insecure in the things i love doing

Centipede

This really applies to anything I do, but the biggest fears for me are from drums. Keep in mind I have been professionally diagnosed with depression and severe OCD, I am on meds. I started learning how to play last year spring and I got to use my grandpa's old kit since he used to play. We keep the kit in a room next to our living room on the 1st floor. When I started I had so much motivation and I got pretty good pretty quickly, but since the end of summer of last year my I got so depressed I barely touch the kit nowadays. I go to a drum school too and I was sad to disappoint my teacher telling him I can't drag myself to go play. Don't get me wrong, I love playing the drums! But I just get so depressed and I can't force myself to do anything, I'm scared to do bad, even though I know that comes with growing, I'm terrified of it. Plus, my mom used to drink a lot in the living room since she's an alcoholic, thankfully she's in recovery now but it's been going on for years, and I just don't want to go downstairs because I just despise her when she drinks and I don't want to go to places that associate with that. I also have friends who have started playing much later than me, but they play so much better than me, they have great groove, they understand the rudiments better and in general they are really good. I'm happy for them obviously but I hate myself for not being on the same level as them after so long. Then again of course I'm not gonna improve if I only play by myself once a month at most. They, unlike me, actually cared and practised. I get so scared to go practise but I hate myself for not doing it. I feel so below everyone. Why am I so scared of doing it? I've been trying to force myself to go practise these past 2 days, I looked up what to practice and how to do things that I never learned. I really want to keep going and getting better but my head is killing me.

Dandelion

Hey @Centipede welcome to the Mix. That sounds really tough to want to do something but be unable to. Is there any chance you could move your drum kit so you can feel more comfortable about going to that area to play. How do you think you’d feel if you started off really slow like do you think if you said that you’re just going to play for 5 minutes and then once you’re able to do that, build it up?

I know it can be really tough getting the motivation to do things though. I know it’s tough especially if you have friends who are also playing I know I always used to compare myself to other people and be disappointed if I was worse than them, but it’s important to remember that everyone works at different paces and just cause they practice more doesn’t mean you’re below them. I believe in you!

Centipede

Thank you for the suggestions:)! Unfortunately, I don't really have the option to move it anywhere else. I've asked my family members if I'm bothering them while I play (since I'm also terrified of upsetting anyone) and everyone told me no so that's been helping me keep going and I practised a lot today:) I went out my comfort zone today a bit, so I'll keep trying! thank you again, what you said means a lot to me:-)!

Leila

Centipede wrote: »

Thank you for the suggestions:)! Unfortunately, I don't really have the option to move it anywhere else. I've asked my family members if I'm bothering them while I play (since I'm also terrified of upsetting anyone) and everyone told me no so that's been helping me keep going and I practised a lot today:) I went out my comfort zone today a bit, so I'll keep trying! thank you again, what you said means a lot to me:-)!

Well done, I can't add much because with what others have said but we are here for you, Hugs!❤

sinead276

I also want to second what the others have said. Keep going and I'm sure you're great .
Like they've said we are all hear to support you

Sinead