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Am I a horrible person?

One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Posts: 599 Incredible Poster
So it’s been on my mind for a bit although I’ll never tell them.

Sometimes I feel like my mental health is pushed to aside or dismissed hence why I don’t talk to family about it anymore bug lately I feel.. well I don’t know what the word is, I guess I feel hurt that they are acknowledging my cousins mental health but now mine, like they check in with her, ask how the help she’s getting is going etc but with me…. They don’t. Or if I say I’m feeling down they acknowledge it but don’t try to understand it like they do with my cousin. Just the other day me and my cousins were down nans and my nan said “I wish I could do more to help her, she’s not happy and I wish I could take it away. Now don’t get me wrong if I could take all her hurt I would, I love my cousin so much and I wish I could do more for her. But at the same time I kind of wanted to say “I’m hurting too nan.”

At times when my cousin has tried to explain some of the things she’s struggled with that my
Nan hasn’t quite understood I have tried to explain via my own experience while also opening up, such as intrusive thoughts, I said I didn’t want to talk about my more darker ones but would give her an example which I did and she said “oh, hers are worse than that.”

My family have always been close and still are and if I’ve had a bad day but when it comes to talking about mental health they don’t seem to want to listen, when my nan first noticed I wasn’t myself she asked what was going on and when I said “it’s been hard to tell others, but I have been struggling with anxiety and depression.” My nans response was “I don’t think your depressed, just fed up.” This was quite disheartening because I had kept it quiet for a while almost as if I was embarrassed by it and now I opened up I was sort of shut down.

This happened with my mum to, I told her I was so sick of everything during covid, I lost my job, I couldn’t see family, I couldn’t see friends, I couldn’t go out to do the things that help me and I felt like things were getting worse. My mums reaction was “you’re not the only one, a lot of people are going through the same.” I was kind of angry at this and wanted to say “I know, but I’m struggling too, I want someone to hug me and tell me everything’s going to be ok, I want this feeling of worthlessness to go. I feel so alone.” But I didn’t.. the hug this was due to covid, we are a very huggy family but due to covid we had stopped.

I felt like the world was getting darker that it already felt and no one would listen.

More recently although I’m not as bad down my thoughts had darkened and I’d just stopped caring anymore, my performance had dropped at work, I stopped taking all my medicines because I didn’t see the point and I was alone. I was just trying to figure out the best way to without causing too much pain although I knew it would be upsetting for them either way. I was then pulled in at work and questioned about my performance and a lot of hurtful comments were made as well as being told they currently didn’t want me on the rota or particularly at work, they were going to cut my hours right down and that I was at risk of loosing my job.

I felt like I was screaming silently I had nothing to stay for.. but I did because of my cousins. I love them so much and they are my world which is why I feel bad for writing this post, I do not resent the support my cousin is getting in fact some times I feel she needs more because I can see her pain. But I get a bit disheartened and sometimes think “what about me? Can’t they see my pain too?”

Not that long back my nan noticed I have accumulated a lot of tablets (because I wasn’t taking them.) I wasn’t in such a dark place the but sort of admitted I’d stopped caring, nothing mattered anymore and I didn’t see the point. My nan said “but you could have a seizure if you don’t them them.” (Epilepsy medication) I said “ although I’m doing a bit better now, at the time I didn’t care anymore.” She said “what about your job, you would have put it at risk.” Again I said “at the time I didn’t care anymore.” She said “you should have said.”

Maybe I should but I don’t know if anyone would have listened, maybe she would? I don’t know.

I don’t want this to sound like my family does care about me because I know they do and they always tell me how much they love me. And when it comes to my achievements they always celebrate with me. If I’ve had a bad day at work they listen etc But talking directly about mental health seems to be something they struggle with.

Comments

  • BrookeeBrookee Posts: 1,327 Wise Owl
    Hey @One-in-a-million
    Thank you so much for sharing this with us today, I know it's not always easy to talk about such difficult things. It's perfectly understandable to be hurt and feel dismissed when your family aren't giving you the support and time that you deserve, particularly when you're dealing with so much on your own. I can hear how upsetting this must be to feel like you're being pushed aside and that your feelings aren't as important. I just wanted to let you know that your feelings are completely valid, and matter. It sounds like you're managing a lot at the moment, and it takes real bravery to reach out and share how you're feeling, particularly when you've had such difficult and disheartening experiences of opening up in the past, so thank you for your strength today <3. You deserve to be supported through all of this. It makes sense to want to find an outlet to share all of these devastating feelings, we're always here for you to be here and listen. You don't have to go through this alone <3

    I'm wondering if you've been able to talk to anyone else about how you've been feeling, outside of your family?

  • One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Posts: 599 Incredible Poster
    @Brookee thank you, I feel awful writing that because I don’t want it to sound as if I’m jealous of my cousin because I’m not. I just wish they’d try to understand better, I do think it’s because my cousins mental health is more visual such as developing ocd, having extreme mood swings etc where I tend to hide it till I’m alone. Part of me feel her slipping away as in detaching and it hurts me the most because I love her so much and the thought of her growing apart scares me. I’d never tell her this of course I don’t want her to feel bad. I just wish I could take it all away for her.
  • RileyRiley Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    I think you've explained yourself really well here @One-in-a-million so don't worry it doesn't come across like you're jealous of your cousin at all. :) If I can weigh in a little it seems like you're often scared of sharing how you feel because of how it will affect others, though this is just based on what you've posted here. I think it's very sweet and admirable how you worry so much about your family but sometimes it's important to worry about yourself first! I don't think there's anything wrong with telling your family how bad your mental health is doing or letting your cousin know that you're scared she's growing apart from you, if that's how you feel then you should be able to share that.

    Of course this is all just my advice please don't feel you have to do what I've said I'm just trying to share an outside perspective if that makes sense. :) Whatever you do next I hope you keep us all in the loop, or if you just want to vent and get things off your chest that's totally fine too! <3
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