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Q&A with Ailish - Ask anything about relationships
Aoife
Community Manager Posts: 3,228 Boards Guru
Hey everyone,
Here at The Mix we're running a campaign all about toxic relationships. You may remember Ailish from the Your Best Friend project who ran a q&a session all about healthy relationships back in August.
Ailish will be running another q&a session all about relationships on Tuesday 12th April. You can ask anything you like about relationships, whether it's family, friends, or romantic relationships.
Here's everything you need to know...
Who is the expert?
We'll be joined by Ailish from the Your Best Friend Project. Here's a little bit of info about her:
When?
The Q&A will take place on Tuesday 12th April.
Where?
You can post your questions in this thread for Ailish to answer anytime before Tuesday. If you'd prefer to ask anonymously, you can use our online form: https://forms.office.com/r/HvRm0DxLWQ
How will this work?
If you have any questions, you can either write them in this thread or use the anonymous form. Make sure you submit your questions in advance
Here at The Mix we're running a campaign all about toxic relationships. You may remember Ailish from the Your Best Friend project who ran a q&a session all about healthy relationships back in August.
Ailish will be running another q&a session all about relationships on Tuesday 12th April. You can ask anything you like about relationships, whether it's family, friends, or romantic relationships.
Here's everything you need to know...
Who is the expert?
We'll be joined by Ailish from the Your Best Friend Project. Here's a little bit of info about her:
Hi, my name is Ailish (she/ her) and I’m 28. I’m the Authentic Voice Coordinator on the Your Best Friend project, which means it’s my job to make sure young people’s voices are at the heart of what we do. Before this, I was a support worker at Rape Crisis centres for 8 years and I got my start in the field teaching LGBTQ+ inclusive sex and relationships education. I’m also at college part time training to be a counsellor so my heart goes out to anyone else who’s been learning from home this year! Working in domestic abuse can be full on sometimes so I’m big into my self-care and when I’m not working I love hill running (very slowly) and making dodgy DIY projects.
I’m so excited to hear all your questions but I’d like to put some big old quote marks around me being here as an “expert”. I know everyone of you will have a wealth of knowledge and skills you’ve learned from your own life. I see that as just as valid as what I’ve learned through my work and activism so I think everyone in this thread is an expert in their own way. I just hope that my perspective gives you a helpful way to see things, even if it’s different to yours
When?
The Q&A will take place on Tuesday 12th April.
Where?
You can post your questions in this thread for Ailish to answer anytime before Tuesday. If you'd prefer to ask anonymously, you can use our online form: https://forms.office.com/r/HvRm0DxLWQ
How will this work?
If you have any questions, you can either write them in this thread or use the anonymous form. Make sure you submit your questions in advance
Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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There's still time to post your questions for Ailish! We'll be running the q&a tomorrow
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
This is such a tricky situation, I’ve been there and I know it’s not easy so my heart really goes out to you.
I feel I’ve got to be real with you, so the first thing to say is that there is no sure-fire way to guarantee either of these things. Your friend might not ever see what you see in her relationship and if you express disagreement with a partner she is really keen on, it might damage your friendship. I think it’s important to go into this conversation aware those are possibilities BUT that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Human friendships, and all relationships, are more of an art than a science so I can’t give you a 100% guaranteed list but I can give you some guidelines.
It sounds to me like there are two questions here so I’ll do them one by one.
1) How do I help her realise the relationship is toxic and not good for her?
I’m sure all of us have had the experience of being lectured by someone and it’s not the most persuasive, so rather than go in with an agenda, ask her how she is feeling. That could be a general question about how the relationship is or you could specifically ask about something that you saw as a red flag. For example you could say ‘I noticed the last few times we’ve hung out you’ve said you can’t stay long because your partner doesn’t like you being away. I was wondering how you felt about that?’
Give her space to talk and listen to what she has to say. Don’t be judgemental and try to see things from her perspective. You can repeat some of what she says back to her to make sure you understand and she feels like you’re listening.
If she does tell you something is wrong, thank her for trusting you and let her know that if she is being treated badly, it’s not her fault and she doesn’t deserve it. Then ask her what sort of support or help she might need from you and try to offer her that.
It can be really frustrating if she doesn’t come to the conclusion you’d want her to! But if you push her and pressure her it might make her less likely to open up in the future when she’s ready.
Obviously, you will have your own relationship with your friend so think about how this guidance will work for you – maybe you have all your most personal chats in DMs or maybe you know she opens up most if you start the conversation jokey. So think about what will work to make her feel comfortable to share how she feels.
2) How do I do that without losing our friendship?
Staying non-judgemental and being kind is a big part of this. There is also a bit of a balancing act to strike between how often you bring up how you feel about her relationship. If you’re worried, obviously you want to help her but if you keep asking her about her relationship and she thinks it’s fine, it’s going to feel like you’re nagging her. If you can feel she is getting defensive or annoyed, leave the subject alone for a while. Make sure to have time to just do whatever you’d do together normally and let her know you’re there if she needs you.
The challenge here is if the relationship gets to a stage where you feel you can’t stay quiet. When we did the research for this project, some young people told us if they found out there was physical abuse happening they would feel they would have to tell an adult regardless of how their friend felt. If it gets to that point, it’s always best to keep your friend informed so they can feel in control. But if you get to a point where you feel like taking action to keep your friend safe from immediate harm is your only option, you might have to choose to do that even if it will damage your friendship. If that does happen, you can make sure that you’re still always around and open to being friends again if they do come back to fix the friendship. This is a really heavy decision to make, because it’s about breaking someone’s trust, so if it gets to that point make sure you have support too.
I think this will really depend on the people involved in the relationship and what stage you’re at. So often we have these things in movies of you know, a date has to be dinner out with a fancy white table cloth. But if you take it back to basics, a date is
1) you spending time with someone you like
2) ideally doing something you both enjoy and feel comfortable with
A first date, or even in that stage before ‘being official’, will look different to a date five years into a relationship where you’re going to propose.
Think about how close the relationship is and how formal the date should be. And then think about what you both enjoy. So if there is someone you like who you only chat to casually in class or at work, you might invite them to a casual group event, like everyone going to the park after an exam or work. If there is someone who you know better and want to meet up with one-on-one for the first time, you could say ‘I know you like drawing, I was wondering if you wanted to come to this drawing club with me?’ And after you’ve done things which are lower stress, you could ask someone to do something more like a formal date if you wanted.
Asking someone to something special can be one way to start the ‘do you want to be my romantic partner’ conversation! You can also broach that conversation by telling them how you feel when you have a chance to speak in private, or asking where they think you mean to each other. I think how you do this will depend on how you communicate but the one thing that feels important to say is not to put pressure on yourself to be slick. It’s OK to feel nervous when you tell someone something vulnerable and it’s OK for vulnerable conversations to be a bit awkward!
Reading this over, it all feels very ‘offline’ and full disclosure, I met my partner before the UK even had Netflix, so have very limited personal experience with online dating. But talking to my friends who do online dating, what I hear is the stress of so many options and feeling like you have to ‘perform’ on loads of formal dates that kind of feel like interviews. So I think actually, going back to basics, trying to get to know someone as a person and spending time doing activities you enjoy together still feels like a solid place to start.
In terms of when to know if you want to be a romantic partner, Scarleteen have a good readiness checklist that might help. https://scarleteen.com/article/relationships/ready_or_not_the_scarleteen_sex_readiness_checklist It’s about sex but there are questions in the relationships section which might help as reflective tools. (Maybe less helpful if you’re ace though). I think more generally, it’s good to ask yourself ‘what would change if I was a romantic partner to this person rather than a friend?’ and think if that is something you want or not.
I’m aware this is might not be so applicable to poly relationships but that’s not my area of expertise so just to say, any poly people, sorry if this isn’t quite what you’re looking for! And I don’t even have any good resources up my sleeve to share – definitely an area I’ll have to learn more about.
You can call me and I will walk behind you with a big Pride flag and scowl at anyone who laughs at you!
I mean, obviously in real life I wish I could but unfortunately, not a practical option. So maybe try going to somewhere which is, for example, an LGBT+ specific space like an LGBT youth club as a first step. If you know other people locally in the LGBT+ community, you could see if anyone knows anywhere which is LGBT+ friendly or you could google it and see. There’s safety in numbers, so you could also go out in a group so you and your partner aren’t alone if someone does say something. These are all ways you could try and feel a bit more comfortable to start and build up your confidence (but friendly reminder, you and your partner have a right to be your wonderful selves WHEREVER you want.)
Sadly, you can’t control other people’s behaviour so it may be at some point you do experience something negative. I think having been out together in more controlled or supportive environments first might help that but also having a strong support network around you will mean if it does happen you will have people to pick up you up and reassure you if someone is mean.
There is a whole community that has your back too, so if you experience behaviour that’s threatening you can call Galop https://galop.org.uk/ for support reporting a hate crime or if you experience discrimination in a business you can make complaints to the manger – Stonewall has a information line which I’m sure would be able to send you in the right direction for help there. https://stonewall.org.uk/help-and-advice
This is such an interesting question. I can’t help feel there is a story behind this… I’m really sorry if someone is being a bad friend to you right now!
I think that in any relationship, communication, trust and respect are really important. So if you feel like your friend doesn’t respect you or isn’t worthy of your trust those are bad signs. What that behaviour looks like could be different depending on what’s important to you both.
So for example, I like making plans ahead of time and I have told friends this. So a friend who just assumes I can do something last minute, or cancels last minute might make me feel disrespected. However, I have friends with chronic health conditions who do this all the time and I don’t feel disrespected at all because I know it’s not about me, it’s about their health! In that situation, I actually feel like it’s the sign of a good friendship because they trust me enough to say ‘I’m too sick today’ or ‘I feel well today for the first time in ages and I want to spend that time with you’. And for some people, they love being spontaneous so this wouldn’t be a problem at all.
Because I don’t know specifics about what’s important to you, it’s hard to give a list but if you’re finding yourself wondering ‘is this person being a bad friend?’ you can check in with your gut instinct and see if when you’re around them if they make you feel good or bad. Once you’ve done that, then maybe you can narrow down to what exactly it is that makes you feel like that and that might give you pointers to specific traits.
Thanks Dancer! Great to see you back
So I can have a crush on, say, someone in the year above me who I see on my bus every morning but they might not even know I exist, let alone that I have a crush on them. So I and my friends might know they are ‘my crush’ because I talk about how I think they’re really cute or something. But they might not know. (I'm not in school any more but I was just trying to make a real-life example)
A boyfriend or a girlfriend is normally someone who you’ve spoken to about your feelings and have a relationship with. They know they are your boyfriend and it’s sort of like a public label to let others know the two of you are a couple.
I know words about relationships can change so if anyone else has a different take on this I’d be happy to hear it!
This is a great question.
My old boss always used to say ‘there is no such thing as attention seeking behaviour, only attention needing behaviour’. And someone else I know says ‘you’re only as needy as your unmet need’. And I think that idea is really helpful, whenever someone is doing something that makes me think ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’ I try and think what need they are trying to meet. So if someone keeps saying something over and over, maybe they don’t feel you’ve heard them and they have a need to be heard. Also helpful for me, if I’m doing something I don’t understand! It’s so important for forming groups where everyone is heard and respected.
I think the other thing is that the way you do something has to reflect what you’re trying to achieve. So you can’t bully people into being nice and you can’t have a group that campaigns for love and care if you’re not all being loving and caring towards each other. The writer Audre Lorde has a really good essay which is more about looking at this in terms of social change but I think it gets at a similar idea https://collectiveliberation.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Lorde_The_Masters_Tools.pdf
And the final thing I think I see more clearly now is power imbalances. I am surprised how often there is a problem in a relationship or an organisation and it comes down to a power imbalance, whether that is to do with gender, race, sexuality or another part of someone’s identity or something in how the structure is set up. Or in romantic relationships things like who has more money. And how now even if I’m in a situation where someone has power over me by having a fancy job, I know now I have lots of inner power or power from being connected to amazing friends. This blog talks about it quite well https://sustainingcommunity.wordpress.com/2019/02/01/4-types-of-power/#:~:text=to%20act%20together.-,Power%20to,life%20and%20world%E2%80%9D%20(p.
So any of you getting told off by teachers for your brave opinions, they might have power over you, but know that you have power to make a change