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Always Ending
Former Member
Posts: 8 Confirmed not a robot
Hi this is my first post on any sort of chat like this, I am 21 and a university student.
I often feel quite low after 'situationships' have ended when I have dated them for a few months then suddenly it has ended. I have wanted to or have self-harm and feel so worthless that I will never be enough for anybody.
Recently I have just got out of something that lasted 2 months it wasn't a relationship yet but felt it was heading that way. Everything was good in my eyes although I missed possible red flags as he was being nice to me, however the last time I saw him the fact I hadn't had sex with him I could tell was starting to be an issue but I told him about my past experiences and he seemed okay with it however he still made comments such as: "I would come over a lot more often if we had sex" "Why are you putting me off" "There will always be a pressure with sex, so you should just do it". I am proud of myself that I didn't decide to have sex with him after these comments as I didn't feel comfortable yet. We then decided to watch a film he complemented me and was still being nice and reassuring he liked me. But flash forward to a week later and he was hardly messaging me and had cancelled plans. I messaged him saying how we needed to talk, he responded with one word answers, then finally sent me more of a response saying "I am not a good person to try and speak too I am always busy". This had confused me so I stupidly messaged back saying I was confused. Then the next day he replied' "You haven't done anything wrong, I wasn't that bothered we didn't have sex, I just lost interest really".
I know this seems simple oh he lost interest it doesn't matter these things happen. But it is hard as similar things have happened to me before and its so hard not to take it as a personal attack and to say to myself, If I was worth more, If I was more interesting, Prettier or if I had just had sex with him.
Not sure what responses I am looking for, I guess I just don't want to fall back to where I was really low after dating someone and how to cope in these situations. I don't really know any direct friends this keeps happening too that's why I feel it must be something wrong with me.
I often feel quite low after 'situationships' have ended when I have dated them for a few months then suddenly it has ended. I have wanted to or have self-harm and feel so worthless that I will never be enough for anybody.
Recently I have just got out of something that lasted 2 months it wasn't a relationship yet but felt it was heading that way. Everything was good in my eyes although I missed possible red flags as he was being nice to me, however the last time I saw him the fact I hadn't had sex with him I could tell was starting to be an issue but I told him about my past experiences and he seemed okay with it however he still made comments such as: "I would come over a lot more often if we had sex" "Why are you putting me off" "There will always be a pressure with sex, so you should just do it". I am proud of myself that I didn't decide to have sex with him after these comments as I didn't feel comfortable yet. We then decided to watch a film he complemented me and was still being nice and reassuring he liked me. But flash forward to a week later and he was hardly messaging me and had cancelled plans. I messaged him saying how we needed to talk, he responded with one word answers, then finally sent me more of a response saying "I am not a good person to try and speak too I am always busy". This had confused me so I stupidly messaged back saying I was confused. Then the next day he replied' "You haven't done anything wrong, I wasn't that bothered we didn't have sex, I just lost interest really".
I know this seems simple oh he lost interest it doesn't matter these things happen. But it is hard as similar things have happened to me before and its so hard not to take it as a personal attack and to say to myself, If I was worth more, If I was more interesting, Prettier or if I had just had sex with him.
Not sure what responses I am looking for, I guess I just don't want to fall back to where I was really low after dating someone and how to cope in these situations. I don't really know any direct friends this keeps happening too that's why I feel it must be something wrong with me.
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Thank you for sharing your story. It actually describes a situation that I and I'm sure many others can relate to. So please don't feel worthless. Nobody should be pressured to have sex and if someone is doing that to you, It says a lot more about them than about you. Your value isn't in whether you sleep with someone or not, it's in your personality, your achievements and all the little things that make you, you.
If you don't mind me asking, what are some other red flags that you noticed? And also, did you feel safe and secure when you were with this person? What about your other relationships?
xxx
Thanks for replying, I suppose other red flags to me were that he didn't arrange any dates I had too, he told me the reason his past relationship ended was that he didn't make any effort to see her and was too busy. Its hard to think of them right now as I can only see myself as the bad guy like was I too needy or did I not give him enough attention. I did feel safe with him, however there was a moment where he was talking about we should just have sex, I started to have a mini anxiety attack in front of him which he did comfort be about, however I then did not feel comfortable to engage in any sexual activity with him for a week or so.
Suppose I could mention every guy I dated that affected me and current relationships.
6month Relationship aged 19- First Boyfriend
This guy was my first boyfriend it was great at the start however cracks began to show. We were about three months into the relationship and he wanted me to meet his parents (which I thought was to soon) telling me "if my parents don't like a person I am dating I probably wouldn't want to date them again". So I started to feel the pressure, but I met them anyway I was quite and didn't eat much (for two reasons, one I recently became vegetarian and was picky with my food and two he recently mentioned by weight so I didn't want to put on anymore). He then gave me a review the next day saying they though I was ok and didn't eat much food. And that was that.
The next month he would slowly continue making comments about my weight such as, "you shouldn't have carbs with every meal", prodding my stomach, telling me I am very heavy. I mentioned to him this upset me as I had a problem with eating previously however he told me it was just a joke. Anyways I carried on tried to make myself feel sexy in front of him as he was my first time, and I hadn't been exposed to anything else at the time. He originally was all over me and sometimes would carry on doing things when I wanted him to stop (I could have said it louder but only would move his hand away or say no quietly which he must of felt was playful). There was one moment when we were having sex and this was nothing he did, but I wasn't enjoying myself but carried on but my breathing was off and felt the weight of his body on me and felt like I couldn't escape, I carried on as this was my first boyfriend and I assumed sex at the time you did just have to "lay back and think of England". (That breathing is what I felt when I had that mini anxiety attack when the current guy was pressuring me and I had told him bit about my past experiences).
Jump forwards to Valetines Day just before Covid Hit. I put on underwear to make myself feel nice in front of him however he wasn't interested and too busy thinking of the food delivery. Then we started heading into lockdown, I tried sending him pictures to keep things alive when we were in lockdown separately however he would ignore those pictures so I stopped. At the start of lockdown and this new world my personal mental health started to decline which he stated was pathetic, I think because he had his own issues at the time which I did try to help with. Anyways after the first three weeks of lockdown and no birthday card from him things ended. At the time going through my first breakup in lockdown was very hard. I felt there must be something wrong with my body, to why he didn't want me. But I am glad things ended now.
1st Situationsihp
Things had moved on and it was the end of the year and I started going on walks with a friend that progressed. A month in he wanted to do Christmas presents and become exclusive it all felt very quick but I liked him so didn't mind. Then straight into the New Years we came back from home to university and he stayed over at mine for the first time we attempted to have sex however I stopped it as it was starting to hurt. He seemed fine but did make comments such as okay but when can we have sex. We fell asleep and I made him breakfast he left pretty soon after and I could tell things were off. He said he thought things would feel different but things were going too fast. At the time I felt it was because I stopped him having sex or because he saw me naked for the first time and didn't like what he saw. I then felt every guy was going to dump me after.
2nd Situationship
This time I felt better about things, this guy was nice to me and also seemed emotional which I liked. We became exclusive after a few months. Things were going well he never made me feel like I had to have sex with him, he never put this pressure on me. However when we were both away back home for the summer things ended he stopped messaging me as much and I felt the need for reassurance. He stated he wasn't sure what he wanted. This really hurt me, I knew things weren't always working well but this hurt me. He told me at the time that it was because of me and I was asking for reassurance too much (and at the time I probably was). However jump forward a few months he said it was him and he wasn't ready and was scared to get hurt. But at the time I thought it was, thankfully I was away with family at the time, but this was a big trigger for me and a downwards spiral. I felt I wasn't worth anything to anyone and never would be. I felt all I did was ruin things. This was the feeling I am sacred that any future relationships ending will create again.
A few dates
Jump forward again, I started dating again and was feeling better about myself that I didn't need reassurance as much and didn't need to settle for just anyone. I went on a few dates with this guy and it was fun, he wanted to see where things went and so did I we dated for about a month so not long. I felt comfortable enough to sleep with him and we did. However the next day I saw him in a club dancing with other girls and he completely ignored me and my friends. I understood he was still single but wasn't nice for someone he supposedly liked. The next day he then ghosted me completely no message just blanked. This hurt me again I didn't understand however someone could treat you like this if he didn't want to date me anymore a simple message would have been fine I would have understood. But I felt so used for sex again. I questioned so many things about myself again.
The current one that ended
This leads us to the current 'situationship' I met him a month after things felt quick but I already knew him and he was nice to me, until one day he wasn't.
Sorry if that was way more information then you wanted and a very long read, but guess these are the relationships that have affected me and still affect me and my feeling of worth or lack of work.
Firstly, well done for reaching out. It's never easy to take that step, especially if you haven't used a space like this before. It's great to have you here. 😊
I found this super telling:
His original comments were super pressuring here and you were right to feel proud of sticking to your boundaries and not doing something you didn't want to do. You might know this already, but for the record, there shouldn't always be a pressure with sex and it seems quite manipulative that he said that (especially while he was doing the pressuring!)
I really hear this. A lot of people make this out to just be part of life or not a big issue, but it's harder when you're the one having to deal with those feelings of rejection. It's really tough.
I'm not sure if this is helpful, but I always try to think of relationships (any relationship) as being about the connection you have rather than you as individuals. Relationships make us feel things and give us things we want, and that's usually what makes them valuable to us. We might like someone because we feel we can trust them, or because they make us feel safe and cared for.
So if someone decides to break things off with you, I would argue it's because they're looking for a different kind of relationship or a different connection, rather than because they don't like you or because you've done something wrong. We're all out here looking for different things from relationships and it's super normal for that to take a while to find.
That's just my perspective though - feel free to throw it out if it doesn't feel helpful! What I will say is I have a few friends who have had similar struggles with relationships and dating. It can involve a lot of rejection by nature and it can get super demotivating. But there isn't anything wrong with you, and it's okay to take a break from dating if you need to ('Tinder fatigue' is a known thing).
Thanks for sharing your experiences! Our past is a part of who we are so I appreciate you being so open and vulnerable. I agree with @Mike, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and I hope you don't continue to carry all this blame onto yourself. It seems like these guys might be looking for something more casual than they are willing to admit and are trying to see how far they can push your boundaries, instead of being honest about their needs and respecting yours. This might sound demotivating, but it could help you feel more empowered in your romantic relationships if you focus on building a compassionate and loving relationship with yourself. This way, you can figure out for yourself how you want to be loved and treated, and whether the person coming into your life can match that.
Have you tried journaling? It could help you on that journey
xxxx
Thanks Mike and Sona for getting back to me.
This has made me feel better so thank you, I think I did start to think that there was always going to be a pressure with sex as I haven’t had great past experiences but its nice to know this isn’t true and having sex with a partner is about me just as much as it is about a partner, it isn't something I need to feel pressured to give them.
I sometimes write notes down on my phone or write poetry when feeling low which I find helps. I feel a lot better at the end compared to the start of this week and glad I have found this website.
Glad you're feeling better! Yes, sex is a two way street and you deserve to feel safe, supported and have fun! Writing down thoughts and finding support from your community (like we do on this website) can be healing and help manage your emotions if you feel overwhelmed.
xxx