TW: assault - i was thinking

ellie2000

if i told the police the morning after, would i b gd today,

mod edit: added TW to title

Lucy307

Told the police what Ellie? Do you want to talk a little more about these thoughts?

ellie2000

ppl befriended me first and then they turned

TW: assault details

after the s.assualt, i felt icky, i was tied up in the park for ten hours, until a dog walker found me, i sed no to go to police.

wen i had a go at the perpertrators and i got told off, i thought i was to blame and the ppl i had a go at saw me downtown and told every1, tht y i dont go out anymore, even b4 any of these lockdowns. ppl dont tlk to me directly anymore, so they tell ppl so tht they can pass msgs on which i find really scary wen i get a talkn to. a trainee therapist and her family i had a go at too, coz i sed the person who employed her, tht she did damAge. she played with my emotions, she made my thoughts fuzzy. i told the company tht they are the reason i self harm.
i dont trust authority much bc shortly after the police had a go at me too the same year. i still struggling and i got told nothing ended coz ppl quit or had offspring

wtf is happening these days, to my head

mod edit: added TW and spoiler

JustV

Ellie, and you're showing incredible bravery by talking about this with us. It really sounds like you were manipulated by these people who said they were your friends, and it must be so difficult to fully trust anyone after that experience. I'm also hearing that you were publicly humiliated (if that's not too strong a word?) when the perpetrators told everyone. What an ordeal.

ellie2000 wrote:

i sed no to go to police.
...
if i told the police the morning after, would i b gd today,

It's tough to say whether you'd be good if you went to the police the morning after you were assaulted - I suppose it depends what you mean by 'good'?

The important thing with any kind of sexual assault Ellie is that you take the steps that feel right for you. A lot of sexual assault survivors never go to the police, some do it months or years later, and others do straight away. It's so personal and what matters is what you want.

It's also worth noting that reporting it doesn't necessarily mean you feel happier after. I've talked to people who have taken the legal route who ended up regretting it, because that can be a very stressful process and make it more difficult to heal. That's definitely not the case for everyone - sometimes legal justice can be incredibly healing - but it's different for everyone.

All that being said, I can appreciate that the 'what if' spiral can be quite difficult to go through, and it's really easy to second guess our decisions in the past. In those moments I like to remind myself that we're always doing the best we can with what we've got - this is true for you too.

ellie2000 wrote:

i dont trust authority much bc shortly after the police had a go at me too the same year. i still struggling and i got told nothing ended coz ppl quit or had offspring

I'm interested to know more about this - why did the police have a go at you?

You're doing well to open up Ellie - we're here.

JustV

Oh, just a quick moderation note too Ellie. I added a trigger warning to your post title and your main post. It's all within guidelines but I wanted to be on the safe side.

ellie2000

i used downloading a coping techniques, which someone show me how to do. i wasnt aware wat i was doing. films, music.....i didnt talk to ppl risk of cyberbullying and roleplay, which i didnt want to do, i felt underpressure. the icing on the cake wass the intruder in the shower tht december from tht year. police made me feel dead by thier psychological torture for a number of yrs

ellie2000

i went out which was wen the assault hpnd bc i was getting bullied by narcercists

ellie2000

i am not a bad person

ellie2000

how do ermm..ppl cope with low self worth, low self esteem, panic attacks and feelings of like i was better off d__d?

ellie2000

is papyus like samaritans, u phone and just vent? is tht the same as nightlight

ellie2000

thts my stuggles it a nutshell