I gave myself depression

Kate_20

I gave myself depression, because it is a nice thing to have. So that I could at least feel like some people do care. I am so lonely. I am disgusting for thinking like this.
Now there is no way back. I cannot make my suicidal thoughts go away any more. They always come back at unwanted times. It is all my fault that I invited them in the first place. Nothing could make me happy, even the things I used to love. I could never find my self-worth while doing the things I used to like.
I miss my past support worker so much since I lost all my support. I choose not to interfere with my past support worker's life. It is nobody's fault. But I am deeply hurt in a way that cannot be described.
Nobody really cared because I am disgusting. People will stay away from me because they know who I am.
I hate talking about it anywhere. I am an attention-seeker. I took away the attention that other people who have more valid problems deserve.
I deserve the pain. I don't deserve to recover because I need it to punish myself. I don't deserve to recover because all my problems are fake. I probably never had depression. I am just a spoiled brat. I don't deserve to recover because if I recover I cannot die.

Brookee

Hey @Kate_20

Depression is so difficult and complex to deal with, I think it shows incredible strength for you to reach out to us and that's such a great step in supporting yourself through these overwhelming and difficult feelings. Suicidal thoughts can be exhausting, particularly when you're dealing with them alone, you've been really brave to get these feelings out on the forum. I know it can be difficult to see through the pain and the negativity your brain is latching onto right now, but you've done such wonderful things recently, you've pushed through these hard and often terrifying times and managed to submit your dissertation, and talk to people on a chat, it's really such a great step. Do you find writing down what you're feeling helpful, in getting these emotions out, Kate?

I just wanted to let you know that we believe you, and we think that what you're going through right now is valid, and you deserve to take up space and be heard and supported and reassured throughout these difficult times. You're dealing with so much and it's such an important step to reach out to us, and let us know what's going on for you right now, particularly when things feel at their darkest, that's a very brave thing to do. I think all that you've expressed shows that you're dealing with depression, and I know it can be difficult to fight through, and believe that you're going through it, but we believe you. Can I ask, what recovery looks like for you right now? Is there anything you enjoy that brings you some happiness or joy? I know it can be hard to notice what does make you happy when dealing with such distressing and overwhelming emotions, but you deserve support and to be safe.

Sending you lots of love

Lucy307

Hi @Kate_20 I really agree with what Brookee has already said, but just wanted to emphasise - you are worthy of support. There is no hierarchy of suffering, if you are struggling then you are struggling no matter how much you think others issues are ‘more valid’. We are here to help you in any way we can, because we care about you and you are worthy 💜

You do deserve to recover and I believe you can, with the support of us & the other people in your life. I hear you that you miss your support worker, is there anywhere else you go for support now on a regular basis / in crisis moments? Wondering whether we can help by talking through some other options you have if you need them.

Sending massive hugs
- Lucy

independent_

All these thoughts are valid. I suffer from depression as well and, when things have been really bad, I have felt the way you do. Depression causes such brutal negative thoughts about ourselves, I think that often these thoughts are the illness talking. It makes you think it’s your fault when actually it really, really isn’t.

Sending lots of hugs, you do deserve to recover, everybody does

Kate_20

@Brookee @Lucy307 @independent_ Sorry for not replying for a while. I do write things down but I cannot have any support right now due to my situation. Recovery means that I can feel ready to go back to see people I admire again. I don't deserve to see them because I am not good enough to see them. I pretend to them that I am well but I am just a fake person now in front of them. The real me is forever gone.

Brookee

@Kate_20
No worries at all, take as long as you need to, you're dealing with a lot right now. I just wanted to say how much I admire you and the way you've continued to push through such difficult feelings and circumstances, that's not easy feat, and you've done incredibly. I'm sure that these people you admire, also admire your strength and resilience in fighting through such incredible pain. I'm wondering if there's anyone in your life that you feel comfortable and safe to talk to about what you're going through right now, Kate?