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Sleeping Around
Former Member
Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
I've been sleeping around as a way of coping with my rape. Recently, I slept with this guy. It was consensual. During sex, he lightly strangled me and I performed oral sex for the first time since being raped. This took me back to when my rapist strangled me and forced me to perform oral sex. Everything that I and this other guy did was absolutely consensual. It just freaked me out. So many things reminded me of the night that I was raped.
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Comments
I am so so sorry this has happened to you. Thank you for reaching out I know it must take a lot of courage. It is completely understandable that this would freak you out.
If this is someone you are planning on sleeping with again, it might be a good idea to have a conversation with him and make it clear that this is something you are not comfortable with. I am sure you both can still enjoy your time together without him strangling you.
If this was a one time thing, it may be a good idea to talk about boundaries with whoever the next person is you decide to sleep with. Talking about boundaries is so important, it means both people involved feel comfortable.
I hope you are staying safe
That sounds really difficult and overwhelming for you. It's understandable that this would freak you out when you've had such traumatic experiences attached to that act. I just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling, and if you have anyone that you trust and feel comfortable talking to about any negative or traumatic feelings that may have surfaced from this. You deserve to be supported and you're not alone.
Sending you lots of love, and know that we're here whenever you need
I've not told him about the rape. We (me and Guy 1) have a friend with benefits situation going on at the moment. He's one of my more stable sexual partners.
I don't want to tell him because I'm afraid he's going to run. Last year, I was sleeping with this guy (Guy 2) that I really liked. I told him about the rape and he decided to break off the 'relationship' because I was "too damaged".
If I tell him (Guy 1) about my concerns, he's going to want to know about the rape. What if he just leaves me again like all the other men in my life? None of them wants to know me now that I'm supposedly "damaged goods" and a "hot mess".
I am so sorry people have reacted in this way in the past. I hope you realise this reflects who they are and not who you are.
If you are worried about telling him about the rape, maybe it would be a good idea to explain that you do not enjoy being strangled without the reason why. It is common for people to say when they do not like something during sex and there does not have to be a reason why. Even if he did ask why you don't like it, you have no obligation to tell him about your past experience.
People who leave you due to your past experiences do not deserve you in the first place, I know it is hard to see it that way but you deserve someone who is willing to accept you for who you are and everything that comes with that
Sending so much love to you
Id love to echo Daisy's suggestion. It is absolutely okay to set a boundary without giving a reason. Letting him know that you would rather not be strangled, and not feeling a need to explain that further. How would you feel about having this conversation?
You mentioned that you sleep with people as a way of coping with the rape. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It's not easy to talk about so you are doing really well