The past is the past but I can’t help my reaction

One-in-a-million

So I was recently talking to a friend about my boyfriend and she always brings up the joke of “when you gonna do it.” This turned into a more serious conversation and I admitted when I wanted that type of interaction I’m worried about becoming jumpy if he goes for touch lower back and/or waist do to past experience (not rape) We spoke about how it would be different because I will be aware of what is going on etc Then as we spoke about it she wrote

he will listen to you and appreciate and understand what you are saying just like if he told you something you would support him the same it's nice when you are in a relationship where you know each other's boundaries. As I said the past is the past and I know it's hard sometimes to get over it but do not let it ruin a good relationship that you have got going just remember what I said when it is just you and him and you are in the moment don't freak out and think no I can't do it just enjoy what's going on


I don’t want it to ruin the relationship but I can’t help the reaction it just happens, I don’t really know how to just not freak out, although I am usually better and/or don’t really jump or freak out if I am aware it is going to happen, it’s more when I’m caught off guard.

Is there a way to actually control it and not freak out?

Former Member

Hi @One-in-a-million thank you for reaching out about this. Your feelings are valid and you cannot help or control how you feel in these situations. I think your friend is trying to support you in saying that you should enjoy what is going on but I completely understand why this would be difficult for you to do.

Have you tried speaking about this with your boyfriend? If you struggle when you do not know something is going to happen it may be a good idea to plan when things are going to happen. This is good because it means you both make time to spend some alone time together and you also are aware of what is going to happen so are less likely to panic. Of course if you are not comfortable in making the next steps with intimacy you do not have to. Explaining your situation to your boyfriend would be the best way to go forward because you can come to an understanding of each other and your boundaries.

To answer your question of 'is there a way to actually control it and not freak out?' I would say you shouldn't have to control it and not freak out. You will know when it is the right time if you are in that situation and do not freak out. You shouldn't have to hold back your feelings and persevere with something that makes you freak out. I am sure in time it will come naturally to you once you are more comfortable and confident around your boyfriend.

I wish you all the best

Former Member

Hey @One-in-a-million

It's really amazing that you've reached out about this, thank you so much for your openness on something that sounds very difficult for you. I'm wondering if you've been able to discuss these boundaries you have with your boyfriend? That could be really helpful for you, I know this may not be possible so please don't feel pressured. You deserve to take things at a pace that is beneficial to you and makes you feel safe and comfortable. You've been dealing with a lot and your pace is the perfect pace. If you feel comfortable, maybe start with slower steps, like with your control and comfort, maybe he can start with just touching your lower back with your permission, even if that means you guiding his hand on your terms.

I'm going to just say that your feelings are valid and you've been through a lot. Your boyfriend should be comfortable going at your pace. It's important that he takes your needs into account when dealing with so much trauma. Your reactions are something you can't control, and you're doing the best you can, and should be so proud of yourself how far you've come. You're doing brilliantly, I think if you can it may be beneficial to discuss these feelings with your boyfriend and put your boundaries in place to make sure you're comfortable and safe and it's enjoyable for both of you.

Sending you lots of love, and thank you again for reaching out to us