I feel like an intruder on my own life

serendipitysearching

I don’t feel like this is my life. I’ll start from the beginning.

Since I was about five years old, I started getting this feeling every once in awhile. My earliest memory of The Feeling was standing in front of my mirror in my parents’ bedroom (when they were still together) and having casual conversation with them. All of a sudden, I felt extremely uncomfortable. I’ve struggled with figuring out how to describe The Feeling but I’ll give you my best description here.

Imagine you are a child at your friend’s house, but your friend is not present. You are not close with your friends parents, but for some reason, you are in their room having a casual conversation with them. Further, your friends parents think that you are their child even though you’re not. You then realize that you have been living this way for nearly your entire life, in this house that is not yours with these people who are not your family. You feel uncomfortable, but also slightly afraid because what if suddenly the parents realize you’re not actually their child?

This is the closest I’ve gotten to describing The Feeling. Of course, I don’t actually believe that my parents are not my parents, but this represents the level of uncomfortable I feel upon experiencing The Feeling.

I’ve experienced The Feeling in other situations, too. Just a firm, out-of-the-blue “I’m not supposed to be here” kind of thing.

I don’t live with The Feeling constantly. It comes and goes. However, I do frequently find myself in a general state of feeling like my soul has been plucked out of wherever it’s supposed to be, and placed in someone else’s body, left to live someone else’s life. I feel like an intruder on my own life. Again, I am aware that this is indeed my life and I do not actually believe that I am possessing someone else’s body or something.

I don’t feel a connection to my surroundings or my body. It’s almost like my body is just a vessel that I use to navigate this weird place.

With most people, I feel like they don’t really know me. It’s not just that I don’t open up enough, though. It’s like they look at me and see some person that they think is me, but really I’m just living that person’s life and it makes me feel unseen because I don’t feel like I have any connection with the person that most people think I am. This sort of relates back to my example of the parents thinking I’m their child when I’m really not. There are few people who have ever made me feel like a real person. Maybe just one. Where I’ve actually felt almost completely like myself, no shell or falsity.

I’ve looked into depersonalization and derealization. I match with a few of the symptoms, but I’m not sure if this is completely it.

Can anyone give me an idea of what this might be? Has anyone felt this way before?

Brookee

@serendipitysearching Hello!

I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, would you say it’s similar to dissociating? Kind of like an out of body experience, where you almost feel like you’re looking at your life from above?

This sounds quite distressing. I have had also had feelings where I feel like I’m not quite myself or I’m just kind of floating through life and not actually feeling or connecting with the people or surroundings around me.

If you feel able to, would you be able to describe how this makes you feel? It can be very hard to process feelings in the moment when it’s happening. It might be beneficial, if you think this would be right for you of course, to maybe try some grounding exercises when this occurs. For example, the senses exercise. It can help you be more present and feel more connected your surroundings.

serendipitysearching

@Brookee Hi !

I don’t think I ever feel like I’m looking at myself from outside my body. It’s more like I feel like my body isn’t mine almost like I’m possessing someone else’s body.

When I get The Feeling I don’t really feel afraid or start freaking out or anything. It’s just super uncomfortable and usually I just get kind of quiet / remove myself from my current surroundings. In the example where I was five I sort of just abruptly stopped talking to my parents and went back to my room.

Throughout my average day I just feel kind of lonely and disconnected. I don’t feel unhappy, though? Unless something else is going on that’s making me upset. I still feel connected to my emotions and that, but I don’t feel in control of my life or like my body/life is mine.

Brookee

@serendipitysearching I see, that seems very disorientating and uncomfortable.

I understand, that must be very difficult to deal with. Is this something you’ve spoke to friends or family about? Or does this feel uncomfortable for you?

I would definitely encourage you to try some grounding techniques when you feel like this, it may help you reconnect more with the present moment. I know they seem quite tedious but they can be very positive. Of course please don’t feel like you have to do anything of the sort. I just wanted to offer something that could help ground you during this uncomfortable feeling.

serendipitysearching

I think I’ve only told one friend about this and I’m not even sure why I told him as we aren’t that close. I guess I just felt like I had to get it out in the moment.

I’ve never told my family or anyone else because it’s so difficult to explain and part of the feeling is not wanting anyone to notice that I’m out of place.

Thank you for your suggestions I’ll try to use some grounding techniques in the future.

Brookee

@serendipitysearching I can understand that speaking to someone about this isn't without it's challenges. It seems very overwhelming and lonely, I'm really sorry to hear this. Sometimes you just need to express these feelings to someone, it's important that you know your feelings are valid.

If it's something you feel safe and comfortable to do, I would suggest trying to reach out to someone close to you, that you can trust. I know it can feel difficult, particularly when the feeling is so complex and difficult to explain. I wonder if you've ever tried to write how this feeling makes you feel and what emotions you experience? this may be helpful in expressing these to others. Of course, only do this if this is something you are completely comfortable with.

Of course! I know they can seem very tedious and I remember when I was first told to use them, I almost rolled my eyes. I know being told to do grounding techniques can often feel like you're being dismissed, I do hope I haven't made you feel this way. However, I have found them to be very helpful when I noticed myself drifting away from my own body and struggling to stay present and connected.

I really hope this helps even a little, sending you lots of love