I am disgusting (TW:suicidal feelings)

Kate_20

I feel ashamed to post here because I haven't died yet. I wasted time in hospital. I feel like I ruined my degree. After I return I am working on this degree that is hopeless again. I feel like nobody can forgive me. I am so shameful. I bought the cheese I enjoyed a long time ago. Now I want to throw it away because it does not taste okay. I did not finish the soup I cooked last night because I accidentally fell asleep. I am useless. Yeah it is boring that I haven't died yet. Everyone will be happy if I die.

Former Member

@Kate_20 when having your same thoughts everything else around me always seems insignificant, like a scary joke. How could I return to studying after feeling like/being near death?
The cheese and the soup are perfect examples of that. Not enjoying them feels like a sign that you can't really enjoy anything anymore, everything is boring when compared to your own terrifying thoughts.

But there should be no shame attached to them. It is not like they can be changed on demand. You also have to take the action that you have to take in response to them - the hospital. Still they can be examined, look at from a distance. When I do, I see that my mind has completely taken over, and in that moment it decides to only think about death. I then feel like I am only a temporary prisoner of my feelings.

What do you see if you try to look at your feelings like that?

Kate_20

@Franc_23 Thanks for trying to make me look at it from a different perspective. I do still blame myself though. I know it is a horrid habit. I did not try to be in hospital lol it just happened.

Former Member

Heyyya @Kate_20 , you've done a brave thing sharing your feelings and thoughts here And it's reassuring to see the support from Franc,

Franc's mention of "shame" is interesting because shame is when the thought that "I am useless" feels like we are passing judgement on our whole being, instead of saying the difficult thing of "I feel like I am useless" or "I think I am useless".

It sounds like you're going through a really tough time, and you said you've gone back to your degree. Is there anyone at university who you can talk to about what's going on? Or is there a family member? And if it feels like you're slipping into that headspace you were in before you ended up in hospital then maybe one of these might help

*Crisis Messenger - Our crisis messenger text service provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. If you’re aged 25 or under, and are experiencing any painful emotion or are in crisis, you can text THEMIX to 85258.
* Samaritans are reachable by phone and email 24/7. Whatever you're going through, you can call them any time, from any phone on 116 123.

We're always here to listen and talk, keep being brave and strong x

Kate_20

@JamJar I have never stopped doing my degree. I am such a disgrace now because everyone else graduated. I am still not sure about what will be my next step as the situation is complicated. But yeah thanks for your kind words.

Former Member

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so down on yourself @Kate_20 and I really hope you're able to find your next step on your path whatever it might be. I know it's hard to hear but there really is no shame in taking longer to graduate than other people, everyone has their own situation to deal with and struggles with different things after all.

Kate_20

@Riley Even my classmates are asking about what happened to my degree. I just want to die.