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Am I an attention seeker? (TW: suicidal feelings)
Kate_20
Posts: 653 Incredible Poster
My life is really a mess right now. I feel like I failed the education system because I was so lucky to be taken care of by a very nice department but unfortunately I have used up their help (the uni is not a charity). I am someone who is unable to fix herself. I have to move accommodation but don't know where to go and I am still unmotivated to find a place (maybe I am just lazy and need some punishment). I feel like I am too much for my friend and those who care about me. I owe them too much. Sometimes I found it a bit annoying when I received messages from them when I was thinking about my death (kind of hate this kind of distraction, because I have to keep on living and life is not getting better). I know I am very selfish. I have to reply to them though just because they care and strangely I am still reaching out for help (contacted another previous teacher recently and opened up about my situation by showing him a piece of writing). I don't know what I am doing it for. I really want to say to them that I will die so that they can stop wasting time on me but I cannot do that because they would waste more time on me. I really want to stop replying to their messages so that I can die but it is so hard now. I don't want them to blame themselves or feel like they have not offered enough to me. Sometimes in conversations, I may strangely say goodbye to people. I did not mean to say goodbye to them but it was out of control. Am I an attention seeker for having these thoughts or saying goodbye to people?
Tengo el alma en cuarentena y roto el cuerpo
Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
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Comments
Firstly I want to say that you are certainly NOT an attention seeker
You sound like you're in a tough place at the moment, but please know that 1) you're not alone, 2) you are not a burden to your friends, family, uni etc and 3) you are valued and loved
You have not failed the system. The people at your uni are there to help and support you - they want to do this. If this route is still open to you, please go back to them and share your thoughts - it sounds like they were helpful and you got on well with them. If you feel comfortable with them, I would recommend re-engaging with them. They might also be able to help with your accommodation concerns.
Please know that you are not unfixable! It's likely that these thoughts are making you unmotivated, and that is not your fault. I can understand why you would think you are too much for people, but you are not! They are contacting you because they care about you and you're important to them
You can acknowledge where you are at and you have been seeking support - this takes courage and is a positive thing, even if it doesn't feel like it now
You could maybe us a distraction technique to help manage your negative thoughts - writing down, naming things, wrapping yourself in a blanket etc? They don't always work first time, but if you stick with them, they might help.
If you want to talk to about how you feel (anonymously), please talk to us on here, access The Mix helpline/chat, or text Shout on 85258 (https://giveusashout.org/). Please know that we are here for you
Just like AbbyOwl said you are NOT an attention seeker and I really wanted to reiterate that point. The fact that you are reaching out just means that you want to be heard, not because you want attention, and you are being heard. You aren't alone and the feelings that you are having are not just experienced by you. I think that it is important to reach out to as many people as you can, so talk to the friends that have reached out to you and continue to use the support your Uni is providing, they are all there for a reason. Please also speak to yourself kindly, don't call yourself selfish for wanting to speak up, you are a person who is worth a lot and you are worth everyone's time and I hope you know that and that is what you tell yourself, you are a worthwhile person.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and continue to do so as whether you know it or not people are always there for you and always willing to listen and help!
Thanks Abby. I am still trying to seek help from the uni while things are not going smoothly. I do feel like I reached their limit and they wouldn't want to hurt me if the regulations can be changed. I am a bit tired of distracting myself sometimes but will try some techniques you introduced when I feel up to it.
Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
Hi @liv_rose thanks for the kind comment and it is good to know that I am not alone in this dark place. I did not call myself selfish for wanting to speak up. I am calling myself selfish for wanting to die. I know that I probably shouldn't do that. I am sorry.
Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
Summer
Qué dolor, qué pena y qué tormento
El Kanka - Lo mal que estoy y lo poco que me quejo
keep talking to me
no worries you deserve the help take care