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I feel disrespected
downtherabbithole
Posts: 32 Boards Initiate
I want to feel validated.
The situation
We live in a very rural area, and when we catch mice we have to release them far away so that they're less likely to come back in.
It's a very hot, sunny day. There was a mouse in a (plastic!) trap on the table, without water. I told her that I'd tell her husband to release it. She replied that her husband wouldn't want to release it today, and that he'd do it tomorrow.
It felt very much as though, considering the way that she had said it, that it was a decision that she had made on his behalf. I wanted to get his decision. I knew that if he didn't want to, then he could tell me himself.
Her husband is tthe only one who can drive in the family, but he was busy napping. I went to tell him about the mouse, and reminded him of the fact that it's a hot day the mouse doesn't have water, and that it's not fair on them.
This started a heated debate.
her points
- how dare I go and do something behind her back
- how dare I do something that she had told me not to
- how dare i disobey her
- that no means no
- that her decision is final
- that I am not the parent, she is
- that she has the power
- how dare i over power her
- that i have no right to over power her
- that I am 15
- that I have no right to make decisions
- that she is the adult
- how dare I go above her
- that not listening to her decisions leads to trouble
- what exactly did I say
- that they discussed their plans for today, which I wouldn't know and that I have no right to know
my points
- It was not initially clear to me that she had made an ultimate decision
- I cared about the mouse
- I thought that by reminding him that the mouse will be without water on a hot day, he would consider the mouse's needs and do what's best for the mouse
- Incase anything that he might have wanted to do today, might be able to be done later, after releasing the mouse
I did try to explain my side of things, and it does appear in hindsight that she wanted this by asking what exactly I said, however, she only repeated her points.
I decided to apologise despite the fact that I didn't feel as though I had done anything wrong, and when questioned to test wether or not I was really sorry, I repeated her points back to her, which didn't help my case.
As she had not initially made it clear to me that it was an ultimate decision, I don't appreciate is being accused of something and being made to feel guilty for something that I didn't actually necessarily do. Otheriwse, I wouldn't have done it. I understand the importance of listening to decisions made by adults who think things through, take into account all the factors, and have my best interest.
In hindsight this seems like a situation that doesn't really matter, and that it doesn't deserve the energy that I'm focusing on it. However, this is not an isolated incident. My mum has form for talking to me with such tense energy, such anger, and I tend to avoid her. I'm willing to admit to wrong doings if I make them and take responsibility for my actions. There is always something I'm doing wrong. It can get so much more heated than this (although she isn't physically abusive) so I am always afraid when things get tense. For example, and this is just one out of many, she yelled at me for at least 15 minutes including hurtful name calling towards me such as that she thought that I was capable for spilling paint.
Whenever she has a point to make, she tends to do it w/ such energy that I feel attacked. Even if I had done something wrong, I would much prefer it if she would talk to me respectfully. I have in the past tried to discuss this with her but it's not up for debate and actually encourages her to escalate herself for example, through a further raise in her voice, not allowing me to leave to enforce the fact that she is the one who makes the decisions, making me listen to her, to put her back at the top of the pecking order so to speak.
I have a diagnosed processing disorder that is triggered by high stress or high anxiety. She is definitely very aware of this. She will initially choose to talk to me in a way that triggers these emotions, and then use the excuse that I'm not acknowledging her many points to escalate herself further.
She believes that I am in control of my emotions, not her. And that it is my responsibility to control them and my thoughts, not her. She must believe that this exempts her from being responsible for my processing disorder during such a conversation and that I should listen, and so when I don't, she believes this gives her the excuse to be verbally abusive although of course she doesn't want to admit to this and doesn't use those words,
Ultimately, she has good intentions at heart and wants whats best for me. This can definitely be proven. She's helping me to start my own business, and wants me to stay at home to save for a deposit. I could then still travel in to cities sometimes, and not have to pay the costs of running a house etc
This seems like a wise decision in hindsight, and an option I should be greatful to have. But, we've been living rurally since I was 11 now and whilst it has it's advantages of being away from everything, so it's rather peaceful, well, that, it's away from everything. The nearest lidls is 2 hours away. It's impossible to get a job. I don't have my own money to control and I'd like more independence and to afford more nice things for myself. The option to live in a town or city and get something like a KFC on a whim without having to ask parents or factor into account anyone elses day makes me excited. I can't regularly commute to anywhere such as college from here because it's too far away. I want to go to college to get a degree in design. Being closer to things mean less time in the car, which makes me feel tired, sick and dizzy. I also feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things that those in towns and cities are involved in. I'm almost 16. I'm also lonely here and I feel like moving out would open more opportunities for me.
I'd obviously put a very detailed plan in place to move out because it's a big decision. However moving out goes against my mums idea that I should stay at home, which I'm beginning to realise she intends to be 'her decision' because that's what she means when she says something. I don't want to face heated discussions that I'd get for deciding to move out and ultimately, I don't know if this is something that she can stop me from doing at 16 (if you know, can you tell me) as until I am 18 she is actually legally responsible for me and I am classed as disabled as I am autistic although I do have capacity and am fairly responsible already. I contribute to the household by doing my chores, sometimes others chores, helping to clean the house and cook etc.
I know getting on the housing ladder is difficult but it's effecting my wellbeing to live here and I think that with the right plans in place I'll do fine to move out. If anyone has moved out at 16, and has no friends or family to move in w/, can u let me know how you did this in messages?
I'm not sure of the relevency, but she has peviously threatened to kick me out at 16 if I continue to 'lie'. Her idea of a lie is either the intentional or unintentional telling of misinformation. There are times when I will say something that isn't true due to the brain lag of my processing disorder, or sometimes, I will intentionally lie, because I know that she refuses to have a decent conversation with me, and I know that she will react badly. She tends to react overboard over things, and I find myself surprised when she doesn't. For example, I dropped something, it didn't create a mess and was just one thing that could easily be collected and she swore over it; 'fucking her (my name) and sighed about it. There was a visibile change in her physical behaviour from her face to her body language.
I considered that you might suggest lying in order to get kicked out, but she will not react well. She may well use whatever powers she has to keep me at home and continue to enforce power over me in these ways, under the belief that I am too incapable to be independent. I'm trying to be as good as possible, so that I don't have to deal w/ so many of her reactions as I otherwise would.
The situation
We live in a very rural area, and when we catch mice we have to release them far away so that they're less likely to come back in.
It's a very hot, sunny day. There was a mouse in a (plastic!) trap on the table, without water. I told her that I'd tell her husband to release it. She replied that her husband wouldn't want to release it today, and that he'd do it tomorrow.
It felt very much as though, considering the way that she had said it, that it was a decision that she had made on his behalf. I wanted to get his decision. I knew that if he didn't want to, then he could tell me himself.
Her husband is tthe only one who can drive in the family, but he was busy napping. I went to tell him about the mouse, and reminded him of the fact that it's a hot day the mouse doesn't have water, and that it's not fair on them.
This started a heated debate.
her points
- how dare I go and do something behind her back
- how dare I do something that she had told me not to
- how dare i disobey her
- that no means no
- that her decision is final
- that I am not the parent, she is
- that she has the power
- how dare i over power her
- that i have no right to over power her
- that I am 15
- that I have no right to make decisions
- that she is the adult
- how dare I go above her
- that not listening to her decisions leads to trouble
- what exactly did I say
- that they discussed their plans for today, which I wouldn't know and that I have no right to know
my points
- It was not initially clear to me that she had made an ultimate decision
- I cared about the mouse
- I thought that by reminding him that the mouse will be without water on a hot day, he would consider the mouse's needs and do what's best for the mouse
- Incase anything that he might have wanted to do today, might be able to be done later, after releasing the mouse
I did try to explain my side of things, and it does appear in hindsight that she wanted this by asking what exactly I said, however, she only repeated her points.
I decided to apologise despite the fact that I didn't feel as though I had done anything wrong, and when questioned to test wether or not I was really sorry, I repeated her points back to her, which didn't help my case.
As she had not initially made it clear to me that it was an ultimate decision, I don't appreciate is being accused of something and being made to feel guilty for something that I didn't actually necessarily do. Otheriwse, I wouldn't have done it. I understand the importance of listening to decisions made by adults who think things through, take into account all the factors, and have my best interest.
In hindsight this seems like a situation that doesn't really matter, and that it doesn't deserve the energy that I'm focusing on it. However, this is not an isolated incident. My mum has form for talking to me with such tense energy, such anger, and I tend to avoid her. I'm willing to admit to wrong doings if I make them and take responsibility for my actions. There is always something I'm doing wrong. It can get so much more heated than this (although she isn't physically abusive) so I am always afraid when things get tense. For example, and this is just one out of many, she yelled at me for at least 15 minutes including hurtful name calling towards me such as that she thought that I was capable for spilling paint.
Whenever she has a point to make, she tends to do it w/ such energy that I feel attacked. Even if I had done something wrong, I would much prefer it if she would talk to me respectfully. I have in the past tried to discuss this with her but it's not up for debate and actually encourages her to escalate herself for example, through a further raise in her voice, not allowing me to leave to enforce the fact that she is the one who makes the decisions, making me listen to her, to put her back at the top of the pecking order so to speak.
I have a diagnosed processing disorder that is triggered by high stress or high anxiety. She is definitely very aware of this. She will initially choose to talk to me in a way that triggers these emotions, and then use the excuse that I'm not acknowledging her many points to escalate herself further.
She believes that I am in control of my emotions, not her. And that it is my responsibility to control them and my thoughts, not her. She must believe that this exempts her from being responsible for my processing disorder during such a conversation and that I should listen, and so when I don't, she believes this gives her the excuse to be verbally abusive although of course she doesn't want to admit to this and doesn't use those words,
Ultimately, she has good intentions at heart and wants whats best for me. This can definitely be proven. She's helping me to start my own business, and wants me to stay at home to save for a deposit. I could then still travel in to cities sometimes, and not have to pay the costs of running a house etc
This seems like a wise decision in hindsight, and an option I should be greatful to have. But, we've been living rurally since I was 11 now and whilst it has it's advantages of being away from everything, so it's rather peaceful, well, that, it's away from everything. The nearest lidls is 2 hours away. It's impossible to get a job. I don't have my own money to control and I'd like more independence and to afford more nice things for myself. The option to live in a town or city and get something like a KFC on a whim without having to ask parents or factor into account anyone elses day makes me excited. I can't regularly commute to anywhere such as college from here because it's too far away. I want to go to college to get a degree in design. Being closer to things mean less time in the car, which makes me feel tired, sick and dizzy. I also feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things that those in towns and cities are involved in. I'm almost 16. I'm also lonely here and I feel like moving out would open more opportunities for me.
I'd obviously put a very detailed plan in place to move out because it's a big decision. However moving out goes against my mums idea that I should stay at home, which I'm beginning to realise she intends to be 'her decision' because that's what she means when she says something. I don't want to face heated discussions that I'd get for deciding to move out and ultimately, I don't know if this is something that she can stop me from doing at 16 (if you know, can you tell me) as until I am 18 she is actually legally responsible for me and I am classed as disabled as I am autistic although I do have capacity and am fairly responsible already. I contribute to the household by doing my chores, sometimes others chores, helping to clean the house and cook etc.
I know getting on the housing ladder is difficult but it's effecting my wellbeing to live here and I think that with the right plans in place I'll do fine to move out. If anyone has moved out at 16, and has no friends or family to move in w/, can u let me know how you did this in messages?
I'm not sure of the relevency, but she has peviously threatened to kick me out at 16 if I continue to 'lie'. Her idea of a lie is either the intentional or unintentional telling of misinformation. There are times when I will say something that isn't true due to the brain lag of my processing disorder, or sometimes, I will intentionally lie, because I know that she refuses to have a decent conversation with me, and I know that she will react badly. She tends to react overboard over things, and I find myself surprised when she doesn't. For example, I dropped something, it didn't create a mess and was just one thing that could easily be collected and she swore over it; 'fucking her (my name) and sighed about it. There was a visibile change in her physical behaviour from her face to her body language.
I considered that you might suggest lying in order to get kicked out, but she will not react well. She may well use whatever powers she has to keep me at home and continue to enforce power over me in these ways, under the belief that I am too incapable to be independent. I'm trying to be as good as possible, so that I don't have to deal w/ so many of her reactions as I otherwise would.
Post edited by downtherabbithole on
4