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Hate the way I look and I'm so tired (TW: self-harm, mentions of past suicidal thoughts)
Former Member
Posts: 42 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
Hi : )
So yeah, I really don't like most of my body, including my face. It's been ongoing for years I guess, although the parts I'm most insecure about are my breasts (sagging even though I'm fairly young, childless etc.) my body in general and my face (I guess I can see it and not hate it in some lights, but overall.. especially my glasses and my teeth, I can't smile in a mirror without disliking it). Looking at a pic of me a few years ago vs yesterday, all I could think is how much well, 'fatter and uglier' I've gotten, especially over lockdown. (Before anyone suggests exercise: I know, and I'm trying, but it's hard with the breasts thing. I'm really struggling to get the right bra size and especially to find supportive sports bras, and I don't want the sagging to get worse. I won't put details because they could be triggering, but as it is I've already had scary intrusive thoughts about them. Don't want to saddle myself with a body I hate even more than I currently do. See below re. self-harm etc.)
Anyway, all of this came to a head last night and yesterday morning while I was trying to get an ID photo done. It sucked. Almost every picture me or someone else took, I hated (I eventually uploaded an ok one but am worried it'll get rejected because the lighting could've been better), and I couldn't (still can't 100%) stop this voice in my head going 'that's disgusting, you're so ugly' etc. and by noon I was hyperventilating and sobbing. I hate thinking and feeling this way but I don't know how to stop, because every time I look in a mirror I find the same things to hate.
Also I'd been resisting (plus occasionally acting on) the urge to self-harm the whole time because of all this. That was the worst part. And then I felt weak for giving in to those urges, and for breaking down generally.
Honestly, nothing has helped. 'It's ok, your looks don't matter, you've got a great personality!' - things like that have never helped me. I've tried following body-positive accounts on Instagram and stuff, but now all I do when I see them is compare myself to them and inevitably my brain picks out all the ways in which they're better-looking than me and goes "well sure, society is wrong about her and her because they really are beautiful, but you? You don't have any of the nice features they have to 'make up' for the 'bad' stuff. You're ugly and disgusting and there's no point telling you the things they tell themselves because with you, it'd be a lie." I don't even know how to do make-up properly or do anything with my hair besides brush it so yeah, I'm stuck.
I just really want to change this even a little bit, because I can't go the next year fighting off the urge to hurt myself every time I look at my photo on an ID card. I've even had (passive) suicidal thoughts in the past over my looks and I'm scared they'll return.
Sorry - I didn't mean to write that much. I just had to get it all out. Hope the mods don't mind.
So yeah, I really don't like most of my body, including my face. It's been ongoing for years I guess, although the parts I'm most insecure about are my breasts (sagging even though I'm fairly young, childless etc.) my body in general and my face (I guess I can see it and not hate it in some lights, but overall.. especially my glasses and my teeth, I can't smile in a mirror without disliking it). Looking at a pic of me a few years ago vs yesterday, all I could think is how much well, 'fatter and uglier' I've gotten, especially over lockdown. (Before anyone suggests exercise: I know, and I'm trying, but it's hard with the breasts thing. I'm really struggling to get the right bra size and especially to find supportive sports bras, and I don't want the sagging to get worse. I won't put details because they could be triggering, but as it is I've already had scary intrusive thoughts about them. Don't want to saddle myself with a body I hate even more than I currently do. See below re. self-harm etc.)
Anyway, all of this came to a head last night and yesterday morning while I was trying to get an ID photo done. It sucked. Almost every picture me or someone else took, I hated (I eventually uploaded an ok one but am worried it'll get rejected because the lighting could've been better), and I couldn't (still can't 100%) stop this voice in my head going 'that's disgusting, you're so ugly' etc. and by noon I was hyperventilating and sobbing. I hate thinking and feeling this way but I don't know how to stop, because every time I look in a mirror I find the same things to hate.
Also I'd been resisting (plus occasionally acting on) the urge to self-harm the whole time because of all this. That was the worst part. And then I felt weak for giving in to those urges, and for breaking down generally.
Honestly, nothing has helped. 'It's ok, your looks don't matter, you've got a great personality!' - things like that have never helped me. I've tried following body-positive accounts on Instagram and stuff, but now all I do when I see them is compare myself to them and inevitably my brain picks out all the ways in which they're better-looking than me and goes "well sure, society is wrong about her and her because they really are beautiful, but you? You don't have any of the nice features they have to 'make up' for the 'bad' stuff. You're ugly and disgusting and there's no point telling you the things they tell themselves because with you, it'd be a lie." I don't even know how to do make-up properly or do anything with my hair besides brush it so yeah, I'm stuck.
I just really want to change this even a little bit, because I can't go the next year fighting off the urge to hurt myself every time I look at my photo on an ID card. I've even had (passive) suicidal thoughts in the past over my looks and I'm scared they'll return.
Sorry - I didn't mean to write that much. I just had to get it all out. Hope the mods don't mind.
5
Comments
Firstly, I just want to say how brave you are for sharing your feelings with us. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way, it sounds like what you are going through has been so tough for a long time. I hope that sharing your thoughts will help in some small way as please know that we are here and you don't have to go through this alone
I know you have said that you have tried to follow the body positivity movement and this hasn't really worked so I am wondering if body acceptance would work better for you. I think body acceptance is slightly different to body positivity as it is more about neutrality to your body rather than celebrating it which can feel like a massive leap when you feel so negatively at the moment.
Also something that can help is to focus on appreciating the functions of your body, instead of appearance. For example with your face you have eyes and glasses that allow you to see, a nose that allows you to breathe, a mouth that can smile which is important because it shows joy. So you can start to accept your body as something that is amazing because it allows you to do so many wonderful things. Maybe each day you could write down one thing that your body allowed you to do that day, like seeing some lovely flowers or smelling something nice.
When you feel like self-harming because of your feelings there are a few things I would encourage you to do. Try to reach out to someone, that could be the helpline at the mix or trusted family or friends. If that feels like too much then just try to be around other people so you are not alone which might make it less likely that you self harm. I would also encourage you to speak to your GP, it sounds like you are going through a really tough time but there are people that can help you for example, talking therapies.
I believe you can overcome these feelings. Sending hugs your way.
Wanted to say well done for being so open and honest to us here at the mix you are truly insuperable and i admire you for that strength.
I hear the pain you're facing and i am so sorry, you aren't ugly and those voices are normal but have you got any help?
you are perfect and i hear the self harm it is causing you and i get you're pain.
when you appear you want to cause yourself harm, contact a helpline - shout 85258 24/7 busy at nights, they are so good you talk 1-2-1 back and forth they can also get you help too if you need extra support.
what is good in your life apart from this, favourite film,hobby or activity?
keep being strong you're amazing and awesome
Summer