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Is it mean and unfair to not pay and should I stay
Former Member
Posts: 32 Boards Initiate
I'm 15, very nearly 16, in scotland, and am classed as disabled.
My mum and her husband have a legal responsibility for me until I'm 18, although I can move out at 16 and they would still have this responsibility.
I'm getting in touch w/ someone from enable2works who will try to help me to ive independently once I'm 16.
I'm not allowed to look at my parents finances but did anyway (they don't know) as there were some big money worries for us recently, but I think we're back to normal now.
My parents recieve money for me every month. All of it comes to about aproximately £600 a month, a chunk of their overall combined income/ they spend all of it every month on smoking tobacoo (they roll themselves so it's cheaper) drinking (they don't do this excessively, a bottle or two every week between them) and snacks. They have had very stressful lives so I understand. I always have enough to eat but have deficiences due to a not-balanced diet. This isn't anyones fault, they manage the shopping and can't afford a completely healthy diet for all of us. When they were better off we could afford to eat better.
Once I'm 16 I will be recieving my own benefits and they will no longer recieve them for me. There was words about me using the money towards the house as they wont otherwise be able to afford it, they said this
jokingly and mum said she wont really, but now it's getting closer to the time and they haven't been able to give up their habits as they thought they would I do believe that they will charge me because otherwise they can't afford that lifestyle. There were serious discussions besides the jokey ones. If I don't pay then they will hav a way of making me, that I will be made to pay for my portion of the food each week, all my necessities, contribute to petrol costs, pay for myself and part of bills. We live rurally and all my benefits will disappear. I wont be able to save anything and I will be trapped essentially. Is this fair?
It feels mean to not use the money for this, but if i can i want to be able to use the benefits for moving away. My mum has always been emotionally abusive and at times physically abusive in early childhood which could've resulted in serious lifelong damage if she wasn't careful. She would threaten to bang our heads together and followed through. It happened at a young age and I recall my head being very very sore. As a baby I fell behind the couch, hit my head on a radiator and was sent to A&E where my brain was connected to wires. when i had my first seizure and she was being questioned, she was really panicking, and crying because she was worried she had damaged me by hurting me, I could see it in her face, but she didn't mention the injuries she inflicted upon me, only that accident. I recently she believes that it's acceptable, but she knows that others wouldn't approve, so was aways very good at hiding it to the point where the authorities didn't believe me when I got the courage to tell them a few years ago which massively backfired on me, obviously, if you know what an abusive parent is like. I stay in my room for the most part and try to avoid her because every time far more often than not she will try to start something somehow. she is very good at then turning this on me. i try to leave when she does this but she tells me not to leave. I want to start getting my life on track.
I know my mum wants me to do well in life though and that she means well. She isn't physically abusive anymore.
The catch is mum has said that she knows I want to be independent (it's been a lifelong dream of mine, from a young age, sounds unbelieveable but its true), i always loved exploring and going off on my own. She says that although I wont get anything for my 16th birthday I'll get driving lessons for my 17th because she knows I've always wanted to be independent. Which would be very helpful to me throughout my life, would save on public transport costs etc and be easier for my wellbeing to be able to drive around on my own. Thing is i dont want to stay at home, but driving lessons are worth it and I most likely wouldn't be able to afford them if i moved out.
My mum and her husband have a legal responsibility for me until I'm 18, although I can move out at 16 and they would still have this responsibility.
I'm getting in touch w/ someone from enable2works who will try to help me to ive independently once I'm 16.
I'm not allowed to look at my parents finances but did anyway (they don't know) as there were some big money worries for us recently, but I think we're back to normal now.
My parents recieve money for me every month. All of it comes to about aproximately £600 a month, a chunk of their overall combined income/ they spend all of it every month on smoking tobacoo (they roll themselves so it's cheaper) drinking (they don't do this excessively, a bottle or two every week between them) and snacks. They have had very stressful lives so I understand. I always have enough to eat but have deficiences due to a not-balanced diet. This isn't anyones fault, they manage the shopping and can't afford a completely healthy diet for all of us. When they were better off we could afford to eat better.
Once I'm 16 I will be recieving my own benefits and they will no longer recieve them for me. There was words about me using the money towards the house as they wont otherwise be able to afford it, they said this
jokingly and mum said she wont really, but now it's getting closer to the time and they haven't been able to give up their habits as they thought they would I do believe that they will charge me because otherwise they can't afford that lifestyle. There were serious discussions besides the jokey ones. If I don't pay then they will hav a way of making me, that I will be made to pay for my portion of the food each week, all my necessities, contribute to petrol costs, pay for myself and part of bills. We live rurally and all my benefits will disappear. I wont be able to save anything and I will be trapped essentially. Is this fair?
It feels mean to not use the money for this, but if i can i want to be able to use the benefits for moving away. My mum has always been emotionally abusive and at times physically abusive in early childhood which could've resulted in serious lifelong damage if she wasn't careful. She would threaten to bang our heads together and followed through. It happened at a young age and I recall my head being very very sore. As a baby I fell behind the couch, hit my head on a radiator and was sent to A&E where my brain was connected to wires. when i had my first seizure and she was being questioned, she was really panicking, and crying because she was worried she had damaged me by hurting me, I could see it in her face, but she didn't mention the injuries she inflicted upon me, only that accident. I recently she believes that it's acceptable, but she knows that others wouldn't approve, so was aways very good at hiding it to the point where the authorities didn't believe me when I got the courage to tell them a few years ago which massively backfired on me, obviously, if you know what an abusive parent is like. I stay in my room for the most part and try to avoid her because every time far more often than not she will try to start something somehow. she is very good at then turning this on me. i try to leave when she does this but she tells me not to leave. I want to start getting my life on track.
I know my mum wants me to do well in life though and that she means well. She isn't physically abusive anymore.
The catch is mum has said that she knows I want to be independent (it's been a lifelong dream of mine, from a young age, sounds unbelieveable but its true), i always loved exploring and going off on my own. She says that although I wont get anything for my 16th birthday I'll get driving lessons for my 17th because she knows I've always wanted to be independent. Which would be very helpful to me throughout my life, would save on public transport costs etc and be easier for my wellbeing to be able to drive around on my own. Thing is i dont want to stay at home, but driving lessons are worth it and I most likely wouldn't be able to afford them if i moved out.
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Comments
I know you mentioned it feels like you are being mean by not using the money to help your parents pay for yourself. When you think about contributing money, do you personally think the money you give will be spent on the things you mentioned(your food costs, your part of the bills, etc) or do you think it would be spent on things not related to you?
It sounds like you are handling this situation incredibly maturely, so you have probably already taken into consideration what I am about to say. When looking at a situation like this, I think it might help to do it from more than just a financial perspective. This can something that can be really hard to do, but from reading your post it seems like you are already doing this. Have you considered making a pros/cons list of moving out and staying at home?
For example, while you might get driving lessons if you stay at home there are probably some other cons that come with staying. On top of that, while you might not be able to afford driving lessons if you move out there will be other avenues for independence.
Let us know how you are getting on!
If i were to pay the money I would be fed etc. The thing is, if I weren't to pay the money they wouldn't be able to afford to smoke, drink and snack away £600 every month AND feed me, because they'd have a £600 income drop. they would want to use all the income they do have on these habits and then they wouldn't have the extra money to feed me.
The only difference it would be would that I would be the one recieving the benefits and then having to pay my parents and then theyd spend the money on my behalf for me (if i choose to do that) or I would use the money myself to pay for my food, petrol etc
My point is, I feel like they shouldn't be trying to make me pay them any of my benefits when I get them. If they gave up their habits, I wouldn't have to pay anything once Im 16 and they'd have the money to feed me. The £600 goes towards smoking, alcohol, and snacks, all unnecessary, but I'm sure they have a different opinion.
I know that moving out would be expensive. I would have to be paying for everything I need. Which is a big struggle for those on benefits. I'm not sure I could manage. It's a worry. The pro is that it would give me independence, I'll be able to get my life on track. If I'm able to save something before doing this, and able to drive, it'll help me a lot.