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How to move on from difficult friendship

alice1alice1 Posts: 2 Newbie
TW: su*c*de

I had a friend who I was friends with since I was really young. We always had a turbulent friendship - we were argumentative and she would ignore me when she was angry with me which caused me to become desperate. However we always made-up. During sixth form, our friendship group split apart and she wanted to become closer with a group of girls who had bullied me previously. I didn’t really have anyone else to go to so occasionally I would hang around with them all even though I had exclaimed to her how nasty they had been to me previously. She became much more into drinking and told me I was lame for wanting to do non-drinking things like going to the cinema. The others girls liked the same hobbies as her new interests so they became closer.

This friend then went through an incredibly traumatic time (her sister was diagnosed with a brain tumour) and I was there for her day and night. She would ring me whilst I was staying at my boyfriends house and asleep but I would wake up and comfort her regardless. She called me when she was drunk because she was su*c*dal and pretended to commit su*c*de down the phone, I was terrified. She would put me down and say I’m ugly etc. However she wouldn’t hang out with me at school etc or to have fun. She would do that with the other girls. She would only contact me to vent. I became severely depressed myself at this time because of this pressure and other difficulties in my life at that time (I even begged her to speak to someone professionally because I was scared she would k*ll herself on my watch - I was 17). However I continued to be there for her regardless.

5 months of this continued and then we went to a festival together for a day and from the second we arrived she started drinking. She was shouting I was a slag, sket etc on the minibus there. She shouted in my face continuously, telling me I was a horrible friend and that she hated me. She had a massive rant about how much she hated my boyfriend and she poured her drink all over me as she was embarrassed she had drink down her, and she said she wanted me to be embarrassed to. All whilst I was basically carrying her around all day because she was so drunk.

This was the final straw. I said I needed some distance and that she had said some horrible things to me. I didn’t want to cut the friendship off as I knew she needed me but when I messaged her a few weeks later she basically told me that I’d made my bed and she didn’t want to speak to me anymore.

I had nightmares over feeling so guilty for not being able to be there for her and tried reaching out multiple times to make amends but nothing ever came from it. We are civil but have never discussed the situation since. It is 3.5 years on from the fallout and I rarely think about it but when I do I still feel a huge emotional burden. I saw her post about how difficult her last 4 years have been with her sister and it sent me off the edge as I’m worried she doesn’t realise why I said I needed space initially and I still feel guilty. However she is still best friends with the girl who bullied me most and I don't want to go back to how it was.
lovemimoonBenMaPast User_Tech_Addict_GirlnaomiAzziman


  • BenMaBenMa Moderator, Staff Posts: 143 Helping Hand

    You've done so well to be able to share this with us and get this off your shoulders. It sounds like both secondary school with bullying, followed by this situation in sixth form has been really hard on you and difficult for you to manage.

    Even though it's been a number of years, I hear how emotional and burdened it can make you feel for doing something which was the best decision for you at the time. I see how your friend did many things whilst drunk that made you feel so low and self-critical. From pretending to killing themselves on a phone call to shouting offensive and rude words to you. None of those things is right for friends to do, as friends should be people who always uplift us and make us feel special.

    I want you to know Alice that taking a break from this person who had a massive negative impact on your mental health is not selfish. It's not unjustified. It's not wrong.

    You're allowed to take breaks, you're allowed to put your mental health first, and your allowed to feel okay for that. Even though I hear how guilty you feel, with time it can change Alice. It might take just a little longer, or it might take a long time. The guilty feeling will turn into one that displays your courage and strength in putting your mental health first.

    You mentioned that in the past this friend has made you feel severely depressed, alongside other challenges. I'm wondering how you're doing at the moment, Alice? And how does it feels to have shared this difficult time for you with us?

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  • lovemimoonlovemimoon Community Champion Posts: 2,318 Boards Champion

    Moving on from a turbulent friendship like this can be very devastating. It's clear that you care deeply about this person but she hasn't reciprocated that, based on what I've gathered. Friends are not punching bags, and the way she has treated you is completely unacceptable.

    I agree with @BenMa here: considering the negative impact this friend had on your mental health, what you did is completely justified. I can tell from your post that you did everything that you could as a friend.
    So now it's your turn to take care of yourself.
    Take this time to consider what you want in a friendship, consider the pros and cons of being with this person, and take time to know yourself. <3

    Part of self-care includes letting of everything that causes you pain, and sometimes, that includes letting go of the people that hurts you. It's a difficult process to go through but with time, space and support, it will heal. You will heal. <3

    Remember this: loving someone isn't enough to go through this amount of pain you're experiencing.

    We're here for you. <3

    How are you feeling?
  • alice1alice1 Posts: 2 Newbie
    Thank you so much, these comments really have made me feel SO much better about the situation. I really appreciate the kind words <3

    I feel much better after posting - I'm pleased I shared it and it has allowed me to feel less shameful about the situation.
  • lovemimoonlovemimoon Community Champion Posts: 2,318 Boards Champion
    Hi @alice1

    I'm so happy that our posts have made you feel better about the situation. <3

    Feel free to come here anytime you're struggling. We're here for you! <3

    A little quote for you:
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