Confusion of gender identity

Former Member

Hi just felt like I needed to post this somewhere because I don't know where else to or who to talk about this with. For months now I have been questioning my gender. I am afab (a female at birth) however I don't feel connected to or comfortable being referred to as a woman or using she/her pronouns. I have been so confused whether I could be a trans boy or nonbinary or agender ect. I feel comfortable using he and they pronouns but I am unsure about my gender identity. I feel much discomfort with my chest area and have been binding for several months. The problem is that my brain keeps trying to convice me that i've made all this up and that i'm just faking all this for attention. But why would I want to feel like this, I wish that I could be comfortable being a girl but I'm not. It's really frustrating and confusing and I just wish I knew who I was. I don't like being referred to by my birth name either because it's extremely feminine and I don't feel connected to the name at all. It's really annoying being referred to as my birth name and she/her pronouns but I'm not about to tell my family that. One of my friends knows that I am questioning and she is thankfully really supportive, and as soon as I told her I wanted to try out a new name she changed my name in her phone, and she is willing to help me figure out my pronouns. Does anyone else think i'm just faking this or is it just my stupid brain?

Former Member

You know @Past User you would honestly be surprised at how often other people think the EXACT same things as you when they're struggling with their own gender identity, I think just about every trans person I know has thought something similar at some point. Hopefully you're able to explore all these feelings safely and figure things out, I know it's all confusing but it already sounds like you're making great progress!

Remember though there's no rush to get everything figured out, you can always feel free to talk about your feelings about your gender identity here on the boards. I hope this journey you're on will end up with you feeling much happier about yourself.

Former Member

Hi @Past User

First of all, please don't worry - these feelings and thoughts that you are having are absolutely normal and VALID, you're definitely not making it all up and faking these thoughts and feelings for attention. What you are talking about on here is how you feel inside and how you identify yourself, and both of these things are completely valid in so many different ways.

Furthermore, it's absolutely ok to take your time on figuring out who you truly are in the inside and how you would like to identify. I struggled with finding out who I truly was (my sexuality and gender identity) for 10 years, but I know some people that have taken 20 years to figure out who they truly were, and some people who still haven't figured it out. Everyone's identity journey is very different and i believe that this is a very wonderful thing as without individuality the world would be a very boring place. So please don't be hard on yourself, you're doing really well.

I think the very best thing which you're already doing, is to take one step at a time when it comes to finding answers out about your identity - such as trying out different pronouns and names to see which one's you are more comfortable with, having short/shorter hair, wearing binders etc. and just slowly and in your own time coming to terms with your new identity and hopefully happier self.

I hope this helps at all. I really do wish you all the best on this journey.

Former Member

Hi @Past User,

As Rose says, your feelings are so valid. You're not faking anything, and every way that you feel is totally okay

I wanted to say I am proud of you for speaking out about your thoughts & feelings here. Please know that this is a space where you are 100% accepted for exactly who you are. Not who you are based on the gender/name assigned at birth - but who YOU are

I'd love to echo everything @Rose124 has said - couldn't have put it better myself. With each step that you try, feel free to share any reflections here if you want to talk them through. It's great that you have a supportive friend who you could talk to as well.

I also love what Riley has said with other people questioning their gender identify feeling the exact same way. I was told the same thing when questioning my sexuality, because I too believed I was "faking it", and I was shocked - I really thought it was just me haha! So, with this, I hope you can find some comfort knowing that you're not alone. There is always someone who has been in your position and now has a wonderful success story to show that things really can get better.

Best of luck with everything - you've got this

Former Member

Hi @Past User,

How about a nickname do you have one that you like? even one that's not related to your actual name in anyway or a online name you use already? Maybe it would be easier to try out first because people are often comfortable with that.
I think a lot of people don't necessarily like their name for many reasons and some go on to change it.

I mean you don't need to feel you have to identify a
certain specific way to use, they pronouns if that is what makes you comfortable.

One thing there is not one way to be female, I don't think being a Woman is necessarily got to do with being feminine, plenty of androgynous or butch Women too who are comfortable with that, regardless of their sexuality, there are butch straight Women too wearing very short hair. So overall it's more just how you feel internally and wish to identify.

There are many people who take on lots of labels just to help express themselves and some labels that interlink with personality I think for some people its an act of self expression if it helps you that is good.

Yeah agender is a label for people who do not feel a gender identity. But then again you can still not feel one and then still use other labels just not feel any identity within it can be used in different contexts. And ofc many other labels and forms of trans.

As an individual don't feel that you need to find a box to fit in or have to change yourself too much to be something. Take it slowly reflect on things yeah something like journaling could help. For me art helps or creative thinking like making up characters and that.

Don't feel too quick to label but if dressing a certain way makes you feel more comfortable explore that. I think nobody fits into a category completely after all everyone is unique. Take your time with it good luck.